Mothballs and Geezer Teenagedom…

You know how when your dental hygienest recommends you to use a certain mouthwash, so you’ve been using it for years and you kind of love the way it makes your mouth feel all sparkly fresh? But then you know how years after you’ve been using this certain mouthwash every single day and then you go to a different dental hygienest who tells you that you shouldn’t be using that mouthwash because it has alcohol in it and alcohol is damaging to your teeth… and blah, blah, blah. You know? No one? coughcoughNOONECAREScoughcough. The new dental hygienest recommended a different kind of mouthwash to use because it’s alcohol-free and the dentist uses it too… and to boot IT’S PURPLE!!!! I’ve been using the new mouthwash now for the last month… and I have to say I HATE it with a passion of 72 cumquats! You know how when you get some rotten mothballs out of the attic, soak them in a pint of water, and then drink the water… THAT there is how this mouthwash tastes… NASTY! But I bought the huge bottle of it and dental hygienests are NEVER wrong (scratch the first one off the list)… so use it I will. In the meantime… DISCLAIMER: I’m a professional mothball eater, do not attempt mothball water at home…

In other equally as non-fascinating news, last week was record-breaking idiot making on my part. I mentioned last week I had 4 proctored tests to take due to my procrastination skillz and general lack of motivation to read anything textbook in the summer. I’m on a strike… it’s called Idiots Striking Common Sense. I’m not only a member, I’m the club president. So I pulled off late study nights and constant nightly reading sessions and by the end of the week I was spent and the teenage students running the proctored testing center all knew me by name. And to think finals week isn’t for 2 more weeks! Get used to it teenagers… Whitney is geezering her way to your center at least 6 more times in the next 3 weeks! Y’all celebrate my geezer teenagedom! Also, physics still sucks but they just discovered gravitational waves this year so I mean we’re living in a totes exciting physics time right now… and by exciting I really mean… SNORRRREEEEEE! Let me know when they discover sugar that isn’t sugar but still tastes like sugar! Momma wants a dagnabbed non-sugar-free sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles and maybe a brownie with real chocolate frosting. Get on that physicists… make your mark in the world of Whitney’s Excitements! Did I mention it’s day 71 of sugar-freeness? Good. This week’s temptations included the aforementioned sugar cookies and a frigging chocolate sheet cake that I almost buried my entire face into.

PS – Happy Pioneer Day, Utah! I hope your celebrations include sugar and maybe a firework or three!

PPS – Happy 16th birthday to my nephew, Ethan tomorrow! Laws almighty… 16 already!? The roads of Utah welcome you to the driving club!


Baby BoBo knows he’s the coolest dude in school… him and hims glasses and gap teeth! You go, my baby!


Oh look… here’s my goodest pal, Harley! Meanwhile, Harley could not be less enthused!

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Short and Unsweetened…

This will be short and unsweetened as I’ve yet again procrasternated my homework and now I have to take 4 tests this week… 3 in sociology and a 2nd midterm in physics (have I mentioned lately that physics sucks? If not, consider it said a billion times over)! Stupid physicists! Also, do not ask me why the professor calls this particular physics test a 2nd midterm because midterm #1 was around the actual midterm point of the semester and now with about a month left in the semester, you can’t call it a midterm anymore… Look who’s schooling the geniuses!!! That’s right physicists ain’t always the smartest bunch of grapes in the market!

In other news, in my quest to find a sugarless delectable, I came across a weird butt 3-ingredient recipe for a chocolate cake! It should by no means work because the ingredients make as much sense as a 15-toed sloth… but heck, I schooled a physicist, so why the heck not the home ec teacher!? Plus, I haven’t eaten chocolatey goodness in forever!! I made it last night and then spent the rest of the night glowing in my chocolatey success!

Oh chocolate cake!! The ingredients? One banana… one egg… one tablespoon of unsweetened cocoa powder. THE END!! Blend those all together in a blender, pour into a ramekin sprayed with Pam and bake at 350 for 10 to 12 minutes (mine took longer) or the microwave for 1 minute. I added some raspberries and sugar-free cool whip because why the heck not? I mean… that shouldn’t work, right? IT DID!!

Bare in mind… it has been 64 days since I’ve eaten an actual sugary dessert, so my taste buds for chocolate cake ain’t what they used to be… I gave this 3 sloth thumbs up… especially with the added raspberries and sugar-free cool whip! You’re welcome world!

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Baby BoBo is getting into so much mischief…


A boy and hims kitty…


Look at me… I so beauty-full with my new lippysticks!

PS – I got to hang out with my BFF since we were 10, Alena this past weekend. She was visiting from Outer Siberia! It sure was fun to catch up, friend… be writing down your 40th vacation bucket list… I’ll polish the coin we’ll flip!

PPS- I will blog next time about the parking garage incident that at least 5 people asked me about (thanks for bringing it up Madre… NOT)! In the meantime… the suspense shouldn’t kill you because it is a lame story!

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Yes, Let’s Go South For The Summer…

Well hello… I’ve been slacking on blogging for the last 2 weeks… and considering blogging is so 2010, my nonexistent Snapchat account thanks me. I have excuses… or at least my brain thinks it has excuses. Last week I was crabbier than a crab tree on a crab salad… and ain’t no one wants to read a crabtastic blog post. The week before I had just gotten back from a quick geekend (that’s not a misspelling) jaunt south to Las Vegas. Yes, let’s go from a fairly hot place (90s), but not so hot it melts your face off, to a place where I’m pretty sure they house the devil’s horns (110s+). To be honest, I really do not like the city of Las Vegas. It’s not my scene on account of the fact that I don’t gamble, drink, party, or smoke. Where’s the senior citizen center!?!?!? Also, Vegas smells like a permanent armpit mixed in with a smoker’s lung as they still allow smoking inside all of the casinos.

But on the other hand, Vegas offers some awesome shows and concerts that you can’t see anywhere else, and so I have been to Vegas on several occasions and I will continue to go to Vegas as long as they offer the shows! Y’all hear!? Good. The purpose for this particular geekend was a Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood extrava-geekza… wherein Whitney fangirled like it was 1997 all over again.

There were the concerts at the new T-Mobile arena… concerts that were being filmed for an upcoming television special. There was a cookbook signing wherein I met and got my picture taken with one of my voice idols since I was 12 and “She’s In Love With The Boy” came out, Trisha Yearwood. And there was a Garth Brooks songwriting show wherein 3 songwriters who had written some of GBs songs sat and told the stories behind the songs and then sang them… oh, and as a surprise bonus, Garth Brooks just happened to drop in unexpectedly about 15 minutes into the show. And lawsy the drunk ladies mobbed the stage at that point.

There were drunken psycho people stories… one story when I sat by some rowdy drunk folk at one of the concerts, 3 of whom had to be escorted out mid-concert… one drunk dude for continually trying to light a cigarette inside the nonsmoking arena and getting pushy and yelly with his girlfriend who was trying to stop him. Another, a lady who got escorted out by 2 ushers who were basically carrying her as she was too drunk to stand up straight and kept fall down in the aisle. She was followed by a belligerent bigger girl who kept yelling things like, “Stacy… you always do this… just because you’re crippled doesn’t mean you can get away with it.” And then she’d get all up into the drunk girl’s face and they’d yell and pull each others hair and the poor ushers would have to separate them again. Tell me again why being belligerently drunk is a fun thing? I was living on the edge drinking my 5-dollar (!!!!!) bottle of Dasani water.

I’m not the type of person who would be into meeting famous people… 1.) I’m wayyyyy too anxiety ridden to even entertain the idea… and 2.) Hello the awkward! But I kept telling myself, you’re here… it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity… shut up and do it… don’t regret it down the road if you don’t do it. So, I did it. Turns out I wasn’t as awkward as I was anticipating and did not ramble on about something weird like the health benefits of sea urchins. She was very nice and down to Earth and easy to talk to, so that helped… even if Madre commented after we left that my hands were shaking. Anxiety is real, y’all.

And if that wasn’t weird enough, my big, walking-around-in-110+-degree-weather-hairdo mug also made it onto Trisha Yearwood’s Facebook page the next day… right!?


Songwriter’s show… In case you didn’t recognize him without the cowboy hat, GB is the one in the ball cap.

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Days Sugar-Free Count: 57!!!!!!!!! I’ve missed so many national holidays… National Chocolate Day… National Sugar Cookie Day… National just pour sugar onto a spoon and eat it that way day… so many days! I even walked through 2 stories of a Hershey’s store in Vegas and didn’t bat a dagnabbed eyeball. It really is a miracle that the police didn’t find me there that night bathing in a sea of giant Reese’s peanut butter cups!

*****

Who needs a baby BoBo fix? No one? That’s okay, because I do… hinthint Lindsay… send more pics!!!


Here’s the time when Baby BoBo and his cute teefins wouldn’t share their mashed nanners with Auntie Whitty Woo. I was very offended.



We were singing… I’m sure of it!

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Filed under Getting A Life, Uncategorized

Groovin’ To The Wrong Beat…

I really don’t have the spewing nonsensical sentences desire tonight… Oh, sure I could go on and on for twelve paragraphs about the really uncomfortable things I said to random strangers over the weekend about being a stripper because I requested change in one-dollar bills and making meth with the Sudafed I bought… by the by… neither one of them got the jokes. ┬áNow they probably think I’m a stripping meth-head… and ain’t no one wants to see that… the blind people maybe, but that’s about it. Sarcasm is really a lost art in the grocery industry.

There was also the time we went to the Summerfest and watched a bunch of older dads grooving all off the beat to Beach Boys songs. And no, that is not why I requested the ones… I think. We also learned a new dance move, the groove and walk… I think it’s based off Leslie Sansone’s really groovy keen walking exercise VHS tapes… and to make things even better, you can do this particular dance to pretty much every song out there… slow songs… check… fast songs… check… really nauseating songs… yet to be determined.

I spent most of the rest of the weekend (besides working as it was my work weekend), lamenting the fact that everything my family talks about is about SUGAR!!!! I’ve heard the story of the lemony hand pies eaten at the Summerfest 52 times by now… oh the flaky crust and the scrumptious lemony goodness… blah, blah, blah. And then there was the saga about the blueberry pie-flavored oreo cookies and entire jar of Snickers… and the popcorny marshmallow goodness! THE WORLD IS A SUGAR CUBE and I just live on top of it apparently. Despite all of the sugary saga spewing, I can count today as day #36 sugar-free. Bring on #37… but only if I never have to hear the lemony hand pie saga ever again!

Happy Father’s Day to my pa, and to all of you dads out there who don’t read this blog, so if you’re reading this blog and you have a dad or a dad figure in your life or a husband who is a dad, tell him I said so… and also tell him that I thought he did a bang up job grooving to the Beach Boys greatest hits at the Summerfest!

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BoBo loves him some Harley chases… pretty sure Harley would rather spend an hour on the spin dry cycle. Go BoBo!

BoBo is the coolest dude in town!!

He even has hims own new chairs, grammy and auntie whitty found for him!

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Faith, Hope, Love… Peace…

I’ve never strayed political much, if at all, on my blog. Politics make me cranky and goodness knows there’s enough out there to make me cranky without being in constant political turmoil. I don’t like political parties or politicians because they divide us as a country and as a people. I don’t like feeling the constant anger and intolerance that members of political parties on BOTH sides display toward the other side… and I don’t like the feeling of hatred and disdain being thrown around between the 2 groups. The chasm between the Republican and the Democrat is so large now we’d need 50,000,000,000 Barney the Purple Dinosaurs to form a bridge over to the other side. I also do not mean to stereotype every member of a political party. I do know that there are a choice few out there who are able to have an open mind and an open, compromising heart when in political debate, but finding that person these days is like searching for the magical golden unicorn at the bottom of the Lucky Charms box. (There is one… Tony The Tiger came to me in my dreams and told me that Snap, Crackle, and Pop heard that King Vitamin’s brother, Pillsbury Dough Boy told him that Lucky The Leprechan hid one in there. I rest my case.)

Upon hearing about the deadliest weekend in US history, my first inclination was to be sad to be an American… ANOTHER mass murder… can we not get this thing right, people!? It’s a horror and a tragedy for all of those family and friends who have lost a loved one and it’s a horror and a tragedy that yet again evil seems to have won the day. But, has it? I heard stories this weekend of a selfless brother who risked his own life by throwing his body at the gunman who had just killed his sister, saving the lives of who knows how many others. I heard the story of people banding together to raise funds for the loved ones of those lost, almost 1.5 million dollars within the span of several hours. I witnessed a woman concerned about a feeble, elderly gentleman walking across the street into the Macey’s parking lot, offer to give him a ride. I remembered the countless acts of faith and love shown me throughout my lifetime. I took all of these things in and I knew that good still exists… it’s still more prevelant than the evil lurking in the darkness. We’re still here… and we need to be present and loud with our faith, hope, and love… for peace.

I don’t know much but I do know that hatred begets hatred and love and tolerance begets love and tolerance, and I do know that S’mores, a campfire, and Kumbaya can bring the world together with a song (hey, Burt Bacharach… that’s a hit tune just waiting to be written, y’all). More LOVE, Less Hate. Amen and hallelujah.

CkzNAOHUoAE1IM9

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Today marks day 29 of being sugar-free… for all intents and purposes 1 month since I last indulged in the granulated white stuff of wonder and merriment (no, not crack cocaine… good laws). This week was a struggle for me. I had some emtional moments and emotional moments call for cookies and chocolate because that’s how I’ve rolled since 1978, give or take 3 years, but I managed to stay sugar-free… and honey-free… and agave-free. My initial goal was 1 month and then I could go back to once a week indulgence or twice on special occasions like National Doughnut Day (Yes, I’m awary that passed, but I was sugar-free so I’m going to need a redo)! That said, I’m not in any hurry to start incorporating it back, so allow me to take it 1 day at a time and see where this thing leads me. Yesterday in my quest to find a sweet, sugar-free treat that might taste better than dried apricot car tires, I came across this SIMPLE as bean turds recipe, and I skeptically made it.

Recipe:

2 small bananas, smashed
1 cup of rolled oats

The end…

Except, you can add in variations. I halved the recipe and in one half I put in a few raisins and cinnamon and the other half a tablespoon or so of almond butter. Mix it together and lump by spoonfull onto a cookie sheet in cookie shapes… bake at 350 degrees for 12 to 15 minutes… eat! The full recipe makes about 12 small cookies and depending on what you’ve decided to put in as a variation (you have no idea how much I wanted to put in chcolate chips… NO IDEA!!!), they come out to around 50 to 60 calories per cookie lump.

Yep… LOVE ‘EM! Of course if you prefer cookies with sugar and a cavity, these most likely won’t be your cup o’ tea. And due to the banana, they don’t store well, but they’re easy to make, so you might as well just make a few a day to keep the doctor away. Yes, please!

BoBo likes them so much he made messes:

Lookit my nerdy BoBo!

And hims new swimmy pool!

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Ugh… I’m One Of THOSE People…

Day 22 of no sugarness is making me one of THOSE people who constantly inform you that they are vegan or gluten free or sugar free… Like if someone asks me my name, I’m pretty sure I’d answer… “22 days sugar-free, nice to meet you!” It’s like I’m seeking sympathy votes through my non-sugar eating, y’all… it’s out of control! I was slightly one of THOSE people already when I was vegetarian… you know the ones who constantly criticize your steak with a bell on it until all you want to do is slap them upside the head with the carcass? Yep… brand my hiney and call me Bessie.

All Saturday I was in constant search of a sugar-free treat. Saturdays are treat days by gosh and golly. Ice cream places were no help at all… yes, lactose kills me, but I wanted a dagnabbed treat and was willing to get sick in the process! No one had anything! I finally found a sugar-free muffin at Wal-Mart that I immediately bought, ate that night and then spent the rest of the night trying to kick myself in the head (it’s hard… try it). Turns out artificial sweetners hate me too… back to fruit it is! Last night I ate a no-sugar-added dried apricot that reminded me of a car tire. It was that good! Not that I’ve ever eaten a car tire before, but if it had a sweet taste to it, I might just give it a go.

If I’m being honest, it is getting easier to not eat sugar. I don’t crave chocolate like I used to, after which I’d eat a whole dang bag of chocolate chips. I’ve been able to pass up the Sunday dinner pie and jam on the roll and the gargantuan bag of rice krispie treats my mother bought at Sam’s Club when Lindsay, Shayne, and BoBo were down this weekend… even if she left them hanging around my eyesight all weekend. Who am I? “22 days sugar-free y’all… nice to meet you.” Put down that cow carcass!

On the THOSE people subject this video makes me laugh… if you need a Monday laugh… clickety click!

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If you were wondering if babies pick up on the example of their parents, I give you proof…

BoBo is just checking his Facebook page, y’all!

BoBo… where’s your clothes? But your teefins are sure cute.

This one is called, Whitney did her hair and makeup once last February… oh the joys of working from home!

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Sugar-Coating The Pavement…

Y’all… the humiliation is real… and also the bruising. Whitney’s famous face-planting status is alive and well, except I wouldn’t really call it well because seriously, what’s well about living with your head implanted in an ant hill? Nothing. I rest my case. This past Thursday evening I was out woggercizing with a friend when my left rocking horse shoe hit half on the paved sidewalk and half on the grass, turning my ankle and before I knew what was going on, I was cavorting with the earth worms. But, it’s fine y’all because my knee and right leg broke my fall. I’d post a picture of the horror that is my right leg, but I’ll save you all from having to stare at the ugliness of the pasty white against a black and blue and purple background that spreads from mid-shin to above my knee. My friend said I was very graceful whilst falling with this face plant, after which I laughed for 20 minutes straight because have you seen me be graceful… ever!?!? I rest my case. I imagine it’s more like an oversized, under-inflated basketball because I’m pretty sure I bounced at least twice. In short, strained left ankle, banged up right knee, bruising, whiplash, felt like I got run over by a dump truck the next several days (still ongoing), and an ego the size of a pea brain… but nothing broken… Someone was watching out for me, y’all! You don’t fall weighing this much and come off without breaking something that often. KNOCK ON WOOD! I would also like to give a shoutout to the 82 passing cars and 15 dudes mowing the condominum lawns… y’all owe me for the show I just put on!

Having taken a handful of psychology classes and also having typed and/or listened to psychology reports on a daily basis, I think I’m pretty qualified to diagnose my disease… coughcoughrealpsychologistslookawaynow. It’s day 15 without sugar and so the little gremlins that make the cogwheels move around in my brain are all like, WTH!?!? Where’s our IV drip of cookies and chocolate!?!?!? I’m pretty sure one of the gremlins subliminally saw a cookie on the pavement that day, except it was just a mirage. Kind of like those people who are thirsty in the desert and they keep seeing like 12 fresh water lakes in the distance… except with cookies and sugar deprivation. So, the gremlin was all like, activate klutz bone, thus the ankle turned and I was gnawing on the pavement pebbles as if they were chocolate chips. DIAGNOSIS: Sugar-coating the pavement! What’s the cure? Probably more sugar, but you’ll have to work a lot harder than that, dear gremlins!

This weekend was hard on the not eating sugar front, but I amazed myself and passed with flying colors! Is it just me or does anyone else feel that they are entitled to eat cake every time there is a holiday? Just me? Okay then. I feel like special food is required on special days and/or days without my usual routine. Suckers… try again next Independence Day! I can’t say I’ve missed sugar these last few weeks until I think about it… and then I start to want it something fierce. I guess it’s a good thing my brain only works once every 4 days now. Yesterday I made my favorite All Bran breakfast muffins and totally left out the sugar (it calls for half a cup normally). They still taste fine. I probably wouldn’t have said that 2 weeks ago, but now that I’m eating dates for my sugar fix, they’re just fine and dandy.

Hi’s everyone… me and gramma goes on a walk!

Happy 9 months, Baby BoBo!!

My daddy did my hairs to match his!

I hope we all take a few moments this Memorial Day to remember those brave men and women who have fallen so that we could live in this free country. The sacrifices they and their families have made are above and beyond anything I could ever fathom doing. Much love and respect from me to those who have served and are serving. Thank you!

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