So, it’s been five days since I started this blogging adventure… I feel like we’re all pals by now… like I could drive over to your place in my crusty 1897 Buick named Beulah and we could all go out for milkshakes… skimmed milk variety for those on a “die”t! Now we should be to the “tell all your deepest darkest secrets” phase of the relationship… who’s first? Oh, alright… if I must… I used to work as ship steerer on the Titanic!! That’s a lie… I was the assistant ship steerer. Now that we have my occupation out of the way… 10 years ago I had a gastric bypass surgery!
YOU DON’T SAY!!!?
I did… I had a doctor take a knife, split me in two and rearrange my innards. It was a glorious surgery… totally would recommend it over a trip to Hawaii any day! At that time 10 years ago… I was totally excited for this surgery. I would have moved into the surgery room and slept on the metal slab gurney for 2 weeks waiting for my turn, I was so anxious to get it done. It was my ticket to a whole new life… to a cover on Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition… to a life where I didn’t have to worry about fitting into chairs and being able to walk for more than 10 seconds without wanting to vomit. I was on my way to normalcy!
Fast forward a few years later and I was right back where I started… 530 pounds, worrying about fitting into chairs and walking for more than 10 seconds without wanting to vomit… not to mention kissing goodbye the Swimsuit Cover!!! Lawsy gracious! I did manage to lose 180 pounds in the first year after the surgery… totally impressive, right? NOT… when your stomach can only hold 2 ounces of food at a time, of course you’re going to lose weight. I didn’t learn a darn thing. I take that back… I did learn several things. I learned how to fit more than 2 ounces of food into a 2-ounce stomach… I learned how to use phrases like, “my surgery,” “my scar hurts,” and “dumping syndrome” to get out of any form of exercise or movement. I also learned how to stretch my stomach right back to it’s original size! I’m a smart girl, see.
I’m not saying that gastric bypass surgery does not work… I have several friends and relations who have had the surgery and are happy as clams. I am saying that it is not a magic wand… it’s a tool… and if you don’t change your lifestyle when you’re given that tool, you will be in my same shoes and gain all the weight back. I also picked up some vitamin and mineral deficiencies that will be lifelong problems because I can no longer absorb things like iron, vitamin D, and B12. BUT, on the upside, I have my own recliner at the infusion center in the local hospital… right in between snoring Horace and “washes her hair once a decade” Gertrude for my monthly iron infusions! BING-O!
If I knew then what I know now, would I have gone through with the surgery? Probably not… While I’m doling out recommendations, I’d also not recommend Lindsay Lohen as a babysitter or Charlie Sheen as a role model for clean living!
So, I started over. This time with a stretched out stomach and some common sense… and I gotta tell you… 205 pounds down to date… it feels good. It feels good to know that I’ve accomplished this through hard work and good ole fashioned perserverence. Ask my buddy, snoring Horace… he’ll tell you… you’ll have to talk louder his hearing aids are broken.