Picnic In The Bathroom!

We’ll be revisiting Whitney’s childhood today… Little Orphan Annie hairdo and all!  I used to roll my eyes whenever I’d go to a therapist/psychologist and all they’d want to do was talk about my childhood.  I was totally convinced my childhood had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I now weighed 530 pounds… Nothing!   Seriously, therapist, shut up and tell me how to eat less!  I’d never say those words outloud, but they played on a neverending loop in my brain until I finally hoisted myself off the couch and left.  All I wanted them to do was to tell me how the heck to get skinny… and secure my spot on Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.  Wasn’t paying them for anything more.  If they’d invented a vacuum that like sucked the fat outta my gut, I’d have totally gone to the therapist more often.  Fat-O-Matic… pretty sure I’ve seen an infommercial for that product… right before that magical cream that you rub on your cellulite and it disappears while you sleep.  HALLELUJAH!!  It’s a dagnab miracle, Francis!

Back to the childhood.  My earliest memories of childhood and eating included lying and hiding in the bathroom with handfulls of cookies.  Why the bathroom you might ask?  It was the only room in the house with a bathtub… duh!!  Kidding… it had a lock on it… plus, you could be in there for extended periods of time and no one would wonder what you were up to.  I’m totally grossed out by it now (germ-a-phobe), but the fact that my safe eating haven used to be next to the porcelin throne speaks to how desparate I was to get the food. 

My mom… I love my mom… she is one of my best friends;  I didn’t come with an instruction manual and she came into this whole mothering deal with no previous experience.  She loved me… I was gaining weight… she wanted to fix that.  Can’t blame her there, can you?  It also didn’t help that the rest of my family were skinny little turds (Whitney’s helpful side note: turds is a term of endearment in most countries that I’ve never been to)… my mom, dad, and sister have never had big problems with their weight.  So, it was usually Whitney on a diet and the rest of the fam, free reign on the cookie cabinet.  I was not really allowed to have cookies… so, what did I do to get them?  I tried to shoo the rest of the family out of the house and then I’d raid the junk cabinet and hide in the bathroom to eat it.  I had all sorts of tricks to cover up the fact that I had eaten so much.  I’d wrap candy wrappers in toilet paper before throwing them into the garbage can… I’d rearrange the remaining cookies in the cookie jar so it looked less suspicious.  I guess you could say, judging on my past behavior of wanting what I wasn’t supposed to have, that I’ve always been a stubborn ole’ cuss.  I’d say I still am a stubborn ole cuss and I find myself having the same issue with food… not that I hide in the bathroom to eat it, but the fact that I have to hide any food I buy so that no one will take it away from me… all except for brussel sprouts, asparagus, and spinach… I leave those out in plain sight and hope to all heaven that someone comes along and takes them away from me!

The Whitmeister through the years... ages 1, 3, 4, 10, 13 (OR 45!?!?!), and 15

I bet y’all didn’t realize that they actually DO make glasses the size of your head.  They DO!  It’s a miracle I could hoist them suckers up to my nose every morning.  Also, never realized how fashon forward I was… I was a good 2 months ahead of my time… see the stylish denim dress with white collared dickie?  Laws almighty, that was straight from the runway… and what fat person   doesn’t wear horizontal stripes with shoulder pads at the ripe ole age of 13!  I’m most surprised that I never got any calls from Teen Vogue Magazine. 

There, therapists of the world… are you happy now!?  I discussed my childhood, but I’ll still be in for my next appointment with the Fat-O-Matic later this week!



Filed under Childhood

11 responses to “Picnic In The Bathroom!

  1. Avster

    My brothers and parents had some of those whopping big glasses. We always laughed at them and said that they needed to come with windshield wipers!

    Last week I was looking at frames for glasses and imagine my shock when I saw humungous glasses!

    I’ll have to admit that I recall going in the bathroom and locking the door and staying in their for a while. It was a great way to escape the brother! (As well as read for a while. I liked to put a towel in the tub and sit in the tub and read…)

    • I hope that lock is brother proof… I can see him sneaking in through the door and turning on the shower head while you were reading. Nothing like a good ole-fashioned soppy book.

  2. mbergz

    I swear Grandma used to wear that same horizontal stripped shirt. lol.

  3. Laci aka pb2myj

    LoL! ❤ the childhood pics hehe- ❤ seeing the crap we wore- holy wow what WERE we thinking? Apparently we weren't! lol I have some embarrassing glasses pics too… remember those almost perfectly round frames? Yep- that was me…lol 😛

    As for being the cookie monster in the bathroom- I remember rearranging food to make it look untouched, I remember eating raw brown sugar when I couldnt find a sugar fix in the house, stealing change from the change jar to go with my friends to 7-11 and the liquor stores for junk food and candy. Always being told I'd had enough bread- I remember feeling like I was starving if I was in other people's houses because I didn't want to pig out in front of them, and usually would binge later…. and Halloween? OMG… talk about food hoarding… lol

    I also had the infamous food friends, you know the ones- the ones who eat junk and lots of it, so you feel completely ok pigging out every second you're together… yep that was me. Can't believe it took me this long to figure this all out, but glad to have you as a friend on this Journey!

    • Laci!! We have done so many similar things as youngsters… glasses and food hoarding! Yes, it is totes crazy that it took us this long to figure it out… but glad we did because now we can get a handle on it!

  4. Lindsay

    Whit, NO WONDER I NEVER COULD GET IN THE BATHROOM! Now I am finding all sorts of dirt on you . . . unfortunately its too late to “tell mom on you!” Tee hee hee (Jk) Keep up your mission I am proud of my sis and your blog!

  5. Ha! I love the picture montage, nothing like looking back on old fashion for some good chuckles.

  6. Dessa Wade

    I am the mother Whit is talking about and it is all true. What you don’t try to do when you love someone so much. Now I see I was probably part of her problem. Nevertheless, I have changed my ways. Love you Whit

  7. I never resorted to eating in the bathroom, but I can see how one would get to that point! I didn’t have a weight problem at all when I was a kid. It only started happening when I was about 20ish. My spot to hide and eat is my car. Your mom is a neat lady, Whit! I’m so glad you have a supportive team behind you.

  8. submisselyserving-joann

    i have done it to. hide and eat. stay up late until everyone is asleep. now i can’t stand when people tell me how healty they eat but they look just like me, BIG!!!! i a working on me now and you are such an encouragement. i don’t have the balls to put a pic on here or for that much anywhere. hope to be like you someday (be an inspiration). thanks for sharing

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