You’ll have to excuse me today… somehow I caught the dreaded heebie jeebie cruditis disgustingness with a side order of bronchitis (probably from an unsanitized shopping cart handle… take note fellow Americans) and my head is so clogged with goobers, I can’t remember my name half the time. Was it Willie? Yes… Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory… that’s me. Excuse me for a year while I daydream about living in a chocolate factory (a nonevil one without those freaky oompa loompas… childhood nightmare alert!!)
For today’s playlist song I picked “Firework” by Katy Perry because it’s got some great “find that cruditis within you and let it burst” lyrics. Except, not as gross as that sounds.
I’ve felt very unfulfilled for all of my adult life. From 18 on, it’s like I regressed into this shell of a human being. I was going through the motions… get up… go to work… come home… go to bed… and oh, yes… there was eating! You don’t get to 530 pounds by studying to become an anorexic. I used my weight as an excuse for not doing more… not that my weight did not limit what I was able to do… it did. What most people take for granted I could not do… go to a concert where the chairs have arms… sit in a booth at a restaurant… put on a seatbelt in a car… walk for very far… tie my dang shoelaces… etc., etc., etc. The world isn’t meant for someone who weighs 530 pounds. Plus, I never wanted to see anyone… especially someone I knew. What did I have to talk to them about? I was ashamed and embarrassed of myself and I didn’t want other people to have the chance to “know” me. I didn’t like me… how the heck was anyone else going to like me? People can be cruel and whenever I would venture out I would get so many comments, stares, finger pointing, whispering, etc., that all I wanted to do was disappear into the ground. In short, I was a mess… emotionally and physically.
This song is awesome because it speaks about destiny and that it’s never too late to find that spark deep down inside you. It may be covered up with fat or hurt or illness or an oompa loompa, but it’s there. I needed to find my spark and set it free (man, this is totally starting to sound like a Hallmark Hall of Fame Movie of the Week here or something… cue the cheesetastic music). That said… I don’t regret the years of alone and despair because it gave me a chance to get to know myself… to really know what I wanted that spark to grow into… and maybe my firework wasn’t supposed to burst until this time in my life. As I sit here, I’m pretty sure I’ve found the spark… but the spark ain’t burst yet. I am not a multitasker. I aim to conquer one thing at a time and then I can move onto the next one on the list. Weight demons… you be first… but I’m already making up my list for the next thing to conquer!
Stay tuned for the firework show, people!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?
Do you ever feel already buried deep?
Six feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing
Do you know that there’s still a chance for you
‘Cause there’s a spark in you?
You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine
Just own the night like the 4th of July
‘Cause baby, you’re a firework
Come on, show ’em what you’re worth
Make ’em go, ah
As you shoot across the sky
Baby, you’re a firework
Come on, let your colors burst
Make ’em go, ah
You’re gonna leave ’em falling down
You don’t have to feel like a waste of space
You’re original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Maybe the reason why all the doors are closed
So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road
Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it’s time, you’ll know
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through