It Slices, It Dices, It Diapers Your Children!!

Oh my gadfrey gurney in a handbasket of idiocy… I just looked up the phrase easy sell… my picture was smack dab in the middle of the definition, surrounded by fluorescent arrows and fog horns stuck on bursting eardrums!  Let me back up the idiocy truck here a minute before I blather on about fog horns for another 20 minutes.  The madre happened to be watching TV the other day when this cringe-fomercial comes on.  She found it so intriguing that she learned how to use the DVR in seconds (what has taken me YEARS to teach) and recorded the thing.  She spent the next 2 days showing it to anyone who had eyeballs and/or ears (you needn’t have had both)… I think the cat even watched it at 3 points. 

Cringefomercials can basically talk me into buying a snow maker… me, the girl who despises all things below 50 degrees Fahrenheit… if the cringefomercial was convincing enough, I’d order a Baker’s Dozen one for each room of the house, the car, and my underpants.  BUT WAIT… that’s not all… if you order now, we’ll throw in a life-sized sleeping freezer… no more sleeping your nights away under warm blankets when you can crystallize in the privacy of your own sleeping freezer. 

This cringefomercial had Oscar-worthy performances and they made it sound like if I didn’t own one, I might as well just curl up into the fetal position and rot away in the septic tank.  Who wants to live out the rest of their days in the fetal position?  Seriously?  So, you see… I HAD to buy it.  Here’s the new addition to my collection of stupid things (HAPPY EARLY MOTHER’S DAY, MADRE!):


Ain’t she beautiful?  I think I’ll call her Mildred.  What is it, you ask?  It’s only the greatest invention to we calorizers in the history of the world… move out of the way sliced bread, this be the new King!!  It’s called My Salad Chef and if you click on the name right there (or the picture above), it will take you to the official website and you too can watch the cringefomercial of Kings!  Basically, with the salad chef, you can make any form of salad in one easy step… stick the vegetable or fruit or whatever you are using onto the top of the lid and then smack the cutter down.  Voila!  Slices and dices… pretty sure it can still slice your thumb right off too… but in same-sized, neat, and even pieces, unlike those bothersome knives you had to use in the olden days.  Of course I got taken on the price of it.  The infomercial AND website lists the price as 2 EZ Payments of $19.95, so because I’m really great at math, I know that is approximately $10.00.  Somehow, I walked away with a receipt that says $60… and an extra set of blades I didn’t know I needed.  Salad chef knows better than I do, so obviously my life will not be complete without the different sized blades… and my salad will NOT taste the same.   

Do I need a salad chef?  Heck no!  Do I smell and look like a sucker?  Unfortunately.  But, I’ll tell you one thing… I’ll have the best dagnabbed looking salads this side of the Caribbean!  Madre… I’m telling you about your early mother’s day gift now, so you will have time to draw up the plans and build an extra room onto your kitchen to store the thing.  Get the construction crew to the house… you only have about 2 weeks before Mildred will need a room.

Question of the Day:  What was your last idiotic purchase?  (please tell me I’m not alone!)



Filed under Calorizing, Food

20 responses to “It Slices, It Dices, It Diapers Your Children!!

  1. My mom once bought a hose that you stick on the exhaust of the car. The other end you defrosted your windshield so you didn’t have to scrape it! Did it work? No!

    • Bwahahaha… please don’t tell me she had to stand outside holding the hose over the windshield for it to work!?!? I’d never heard of that product… if I come across it I’ll take your wise words to heart, Nammy!

  2. Avster

    Our buddy Fritz with Shamwow didn’t happen to be the person doing this cringefomercial, did he?

    • Fritz the Shamwow guy and Avster are likethis… pretty sure Avster even sells Shamwows out of the trunk of her car! (psssttt… gonna need at least 2 more of those suckers)

  3. cl2

    I was thinking of my salad shooter while reading this. Cleaning it is so much fun that I NEVER use it.

    I think the last stupid purchase I made was an AB bench. I couldn’t put it together and nobody would do it for me–so I finally gave it to the Deseret Industries after 2 years–half put together.

    • HA, Colleen!! We had the salad shooter when I was younger! I agree… holy hard to clean. Wayyyyyyyy too many parts! As for the AB bench… awful kind of you to give it to the DI… I’m wondering how many people have bought and returned your exact same bench half put together since you donated it!

  4. Hi! Stopping by from Giveaway Corner’s Saturday Social.
    I have bought many many things I regret- the last was a timeshare. And that’s not a small purchase, either. We’re still paying for that one :/

  5. My boyfriend and I bought “Grapples” which are apples that are supposed to taste like grapes. The cost 5 bucks for 4 of them.. and they just sort of taste like weak apples but they smell like grapes. waste of money 😦

    • That’s a fruit I hadn’t heard of… cross pollinating apples and grapes sounds REALLY weird… 2 totally different textures. If I ever come across one, I will know to pass!

  6. dessa

    Whitney!!! I am so dang excited about my Mothers Day present. How can I ever repay you. I have no idea how I ran onto that infomercial because I hate them. I had sluffed sunday school and happened to turn on the TV for a minute and there it was. Sure hope the bishop doesn’t read this. I think it will be great for our salsa making.

  7. Dorothy

    My last horrible purchase was the Nu-Wave oven. $150 dollars later, I have used it once, and had to throw the chicken out. It tasted awful…like burnt plastic and had a funny smell when it was cooking. Might as well have used a radon gun to cook the stuff.

    However, I have the Vivalda Chop wizard, that slices and dices much like the one you just bought, and I LOVE it. I use that all the time. Ray teases me that I only like it because my OCD demands that everything be uniform in size and shape!! Ha Ha!

    • I’ve seen that Nu-Wave oven advertised!!! Plastic, funny smelling chicken for dinner sounds awfully appealing. What a rip off!! But LOL at the picture of you cooking a chicken with a radon gun!

      I googled the chop wizard… looks very similar… just different shapes… if you say it works, Dorothy… then I’m excited to try mine!

  8. Jen

    Well last Saturday I went shopping because I wanted something other than a black skirt to wear to church. What did I come home with? Another black skirt!

  9. Well, in your mother’s defense, I too have been sucked into the Salad Chef “cringe”fomercial and have ALMOST purchased it several times. You will have to let me know how you both like it! 😉
    The most ridiculous infomercial that I have bought into, however, is the ProActive acne care system. Ridiculous because I have done it not once, but twice. Didn’t work any better the second time around.

    • LOLLLLL!! You know what they say, fool me once, shame on you… fool me twice, shame on me! I’ve been known to do the same thing! I just think it’s our genius coming out. Will let you know how I like my new chopping guru!

  10. joleciamichelle

    it’s a tie between my shamwows and my shake weight lol. i’m an easy sell too-i’ll probably be getting a salad chef now lol

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