Whitney’s Playlist Wednesday – I Am Changing

BLUGH!  Blugh, blugh, blugh… that’s all I can say about today’s topic… the end!  Thanks for dropping by!  Invisible, calorie-free, calorizing-approved donuts are available in the back on your way out. 

I HATE pictures of myself… hate, hate, hate… back in parachute days and now… sue me.  I was always that girl during family photo time who would volunteer to be the camera person and if I absolutely had to be in the picture I’d hide my flab on the back row behind the tallest person, so that only the top of my head was poking into the picture.  Needless to say, I do not have many pictures of myself from about age 13 on… Just a small handful of pics where I was caught off guard and against my will.. inform the Kodak Police, people… they ought to know about that crime!  I’m pretty sure I don’t have any pictures of me at my highest weight of 530 pounds.  I hid out in the basement all day then… no chance to get a picture taken.  Even 213 pounds later I despise pictures… my head is too big, my teeth are too yellow, my zits are too red, my eye baggage is too purple, I look like a man, do not take a full length picture of my hanging flab… etc., etc., etc. 

I do think it is important to document where you’ve come from, though… and I regret not taking beginning pictures… side views, front views, back views, etc.  If you’re just starting off on your weight loss journey… do yourself a favor and take those pictures (and then photoshop my head onto the top of your body and send some over to me!)  I still have a hard time telling the difference in myself… I’m not blind and I do see that my face is not as puffy… but every time I look in the mirror or at pictures I still see a huge-mongous, ugly body.  That’s to be expected when you still weigh 316 pounds… but somehow I need to look and actually SEE and be grateful for the differences that have to be there… instead of wishing I looked like Heidi Klum…  Rome weren’t built in a day and body flab don’t fall off overnight (call me when it does… I’ll be right over… invisible donut in hand!)

Today’s song choice is by one of my favorite singers (GIRL CAN SANG!), Jennifer Hudson.  She’s pretty inspiring herself if you read her story… her trials and triumphs.  I Am Changing is from the movie “Dreamgirls” and speaks about a woman who is trying to better herself… changing and admitting to herself that she can’t do it alone.  I am grateful for my family and friends who have supported me along this road… speed bumps and all.  One day I’m going to look at myself in the mirror and be grateful for what I see… instead of immediately counting all of the flaws.  I’m changing… and I should be happy about it.   

Circa about 10 years ago... age 22ish? Wearing my silver, flame retardant shirt that doubles as a parachute!

 

Age 32ish...

 I Am Changing by Jennifer Hudson

Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
I’m trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand
I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I’m gonna start right now, right here
I’m hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I’ve been a fool
Who said I can do it all alone?
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?
Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I’ll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again,Oh
That would be just fine
I know it’s gonna work out this time
‘Cause this time I am
This time I am
I am changing
I’ll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I’m gonna start again
I’m gonna leave my past behind
I’ll change my life
I’ll make a vow and nothing’s gonna stop me now

Question of the Day:  What body part do you have an issue with when you look in the mirror?

 

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27 Comments

Filed under Whitney's Playlist

27 responses to “Whitney’s Playlist Wednesday – I Am Changing

  1. cl2

    What time to you post these?!?! This is the second time I’ve been up around 5 a.m. and there is already a post.

    You have COME A LONG WAY! You give me HOPE. I’ve been struggling trying to get back with eating right. I need to get my blood sugar down further–and my cholesterol–and just being more healthy so I can get more of my weight off–and you inspire me every day! You very much are changing. You really amaze me!

    • LOL, Colleen! You are probably just getting up as I’m going to bed then! I stay up farrrrrrr too late… usually about 4 or 5 and I post before then.

      You are sweet, Colleen.. you have already lost a bunch yourself. I thought you looked great last I saw you!

  2. Jen

    Loved this song! I am so excited to watch as you document your progress.

  3. I think you are pretty. Know what I did? My oldest (the one on MFP) didn’t want senior pictures. She had to be dragged kicking and screaming and filled with mom laden guilt to get them accomplished. Her excuse was that it was stupid, and a stupid idea.

    I took her to a hairdresser and had them do her up as if it were a wedding prep. We had all the clothes picked out (her choice and I allwed her shopping money. I’m a tight wad). And then we had a photoshoot with a real photographer that costed a lot. Like “real” people do!

    Know what? She was shocked amazed and loved them. So do I, still today.

    I think you need to force yourself out sometime soon this year and make like you are getting ready for your own wedding photoshoot. Get the hairdresser and pay big $$ for it, then the photoshoot right after (not Sears). Tell them you lost XXX weight and this bettah be good! Then fortify yourself to look at them. Buy one!

    • Nammy… I’m sure you are right that’s what I should do one time because you are the wisest… now, just getting up the desire to want to do it!! My mom certainly agrees with you. She has been trying to get me to have my hair done by her hair person for months now!

  4. Avster

    ^ What your mom said! =)

  5. Dorothy

    I can see the changes, just in the head shot! I have to say though…you have a smile that lights up your whole face before and after, I mean it!

    I always had the opposite problem with my weight. I would look in the mirror and see myself at a much smaller size than reality showed. So for me, I never saw all the flaws, and additional weight that was public to everyone else. Sounds great right? It was good for the self-esteem, but the downside was that I refused to admit that there was a problem until it was a huge problem.

    It took seeing a picture of myself and not recognizing who it was to see the problem. I was floored and embarrassed that this is what everyone had to look at, and I was clueless the entire time.

    Now I am much more aware of the reality. I still don’t hate what I see in the mirror (most days), but I do see an accurate representation.

    • Wow, Dorothy… thank you! So interesting that we have the opposite problem. I’d just avoid mirrors at all costs before so I didn’t have to be reminded. It’s funny what the brain will do to compensate.

  6. dessawade

    Glad you posted the before and after picture Whit! You are blind to your progress when you look in the mirror but I see a humungous difference in every part of your body.
    Amen to Natalie’s post! I already have someone who is dieing to do your hair. PLEASE!

  7. Louisa a.k.a. ProudMomOfTwo

    I am so glad you posted these pics.
    I can totally see the difference!!
    Your face of course but also your neck, arms, shoulders, and upper body in general.
    I don’t think I have seen a pic of the rest of you.
    You DO NOT look like a man! Silly girl…
    I think we are all hard on ourselves though.

    I had my daughter take before pics ( full – length shot )of me. Even though I hate the way they turned out – it IS me.
    I think I will have her take another when I get down to 200lbs.
    Then another when I get closer and closer to my goal.
    Progression pics of the incredible shrinking momma…lol.

    Question of the Day: What body part do you have an issue with when you look in the mirror?

    My eyes seem to go straight to my belly fat area.
    I think I look like I am wearing a thick swim floatie around my middle.
    I don’t like the double-chin either. Not at all! I am happy to report that it has gone down with my wt loss but there is still plenty there to draw my eye every-time I look in the mirror.
    That is about it…those are my “problem areas”.

    Keep on Keepin’ on…

    • Thank you, Louisa!! You are so right… whether we like it or not, it is who we are in those pictures… we just happen to be trapped under a bit of fat. With the way you’re going you’ll be asking for pictures to be taken in no time!

  8. Chantal

    I also hate pictures of myself… I always hide when I see a camera… I always have been camera shy even when I was yound and thin… I look like a dope head on pictures… I guess it’s my eyes… I don’t know but I just HATE it!!!

    The body part that I have an issue with when I look in the mirror is….

    my face is too fat
    my eyes are too puffy
    my neck is too thick
    my boobs are too flat
    my arms have too much loose skin
    my abdomen is too big and have more than one bump
    my thighs look like an old upholstery couch…
    my legs are as big as a horse would have
    my ankles are WAY WAY TOO BIG
    my feet have now brown spots from all that swelling

    hmmmmm…. let’s see….don’t like much of anything I see in the mirror… I wish this will change soon because as I lose weight it gets worse…

    I don’t mind my nose because it’s small and straight! (but if I keep falling on my face, this might change… lol)

    No wonder I hate pictures so much!

    I don’t mind that much posting the before picture on mfp but I just don’t want to post any picture NOW… I just don’t like what I see anymore… :S

    Like cl2 said ”you give me HOPE”… I will never be able to thank you enough for that…

    I’m struggling big time right now with food and going back to exercising… I will get back at it… It might be that stupid weather that is not helping at all but I have to get back at it…

    You’ve come such a long way… I’m really proud of your amazing accomplishment so far.

    • Hugs, Chantal! I can SO relate to you. Do you think it gets worse as you lose weight because you are now more conscious and are expecting bigger changes than what your body is giving you? Hang in there, Lady… we’ll both get there!

  9. Jenalee Berger

    You look GREAT! I love it, love it, LOVE IT!

  10. makingitperm

    I think you’re gorgeous! Like you said about Rome…it wasn’t built in a day and this is a process. You’ve come so far and everyone (your family, friends and even people that don’t know you in rl) are BEYOND proud of you and look to you for inspiration. I image myself far down this road looking back and I can bet that I’ll have the same feelings and fears. I think the fat mentality will always be there…hopefully my other mentalities (oh multiple personalities!) will take over and shove that fatty outta my head! …keep rocking it girly we love you!

    • Thank you, Ericka, the sweetest! Build up your other mentalities so that when you get there they will all gang up and kick the fat mentalities butt!! Celebrate the little successes!

  11. Tonya

    We are our own worst critics, and no one can peck us apart faster or more efficiently than ourselves!
    What do you like about yourself?
    That is a question we all need to explore more.
    So often we tend to pick out our flaws or what “we” think is wrong with us we have no time or room to let ourselves even begin to see the qualities we posses.
    Afterall it is much easier to demolish oneself than it is to build oneself up.
    By the way I have short fingers and legs, I wish they were longer LOL
    I tend to ignore the fact that I am blessed to have them and they all function the way they are meant to.
    We are taught from a very young age not to hurt others feelings or say unkind words about others, but I cannot remember anyone ever telling me not to hurt my own feeling’s or to be kind to myself. We are told that one day we will stand in front of our maker and answer for our wrong doings, I have always tought of that as being wrongs against others… How would I answer if I was asked why I was not kind to myself?
    I think this is something worth pondering.

  12. Samerah

    I DO THE SAME THING!! It is RARE for me to look in the mirror and see any sort of difference in the way I look. Funny thing is I did the same thing as I got bigger. I just didn’t notice I was growing, it was always shocking when I had to go up a size. Mirrors lie. Pictures are more honest!!

    For what its worth I think you look great. The difference in your pictures is major. In the end though its so easy to get hung up on how we look when how we feel is soooooooooooo sooooooooooooo soooooooooo much more important! Next time you look in a mirror and don’t like what you see go look at your hill pictures!! Remind yourself how much stronger you are now and how much easier things are now…

    That said, I would LOVE to have my picture taken and not have to worry about how many of my 45 chins were going to show up in it. Sooomeday…

    • Totally agree about pictures being more honest than mirrors… it’s easy to look past your growing body in a mirror… but not pictures… especially when you happen to be pictured next to someone who you look like a giant next to.

      LMAO!! 45 chins… Heck… I’d name those suckers!

  13. Froggy1976

    I think that what you have already done is amazing. You have taken control! I see your name mentioned on MFP and your blog suggested many times. You are inspiring people to also take control. I also hide from the camera. I made myself take some before pictures a couple of weeks ago and cant wait till i have some afters.

  14. Pingback: All Aboard The Calorizer!! « craving a life

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