The inspiration for this topic came yesterday when I literally got stuck in a pair of brand new Spanx! For those of you who aren’t familiar with Spanx… they are a modern day girdle of sorts… suck in the fat, smooth the lumps, and restrict the lung movement! You know… the usual death defying piece of clothing. I’ve never owned a fat smoothing death trap before, but I’d been curious to see if it would reign in the bane of my existence , so I lept and bought one through an online catalog. It came yesterday and I immediately went to try it on… 25 minutes later and 16 new bruises later, I had managed to pull the dagnabbed blasted thing up to near the proper waist line. Holy canoli!! It was like I was auditioning for the musical Free Willy and the Sausage Casings, except instead of whales, with women wearing too-tight-for-them Spanx. I knew I should have quit the tugging 5 minutes in, but I’m a stubborn sucker and I was darned determined to get that thing all the way on. I walked around for the next hour like a bow-legged duck and don’t get me started on sitting… oh the horror… sitting required a calculated bending procedure. I swear to you, I broke at least 2 ribs sitting in those things. AT LEAST!! The ribs are still a bit sore and it’s been hours since I released myself from the death grip. A few hours after putting them on, I’d had enough, pulled out the crowbar to get those babies down, and took the first deep breath I’d taken in hours! Ahhhhhhh… the relief!!!
Why am I rambling for 24 hours about my underoo ordeal? Because I got to thinking about the difference in men and women when it comes to weight. I don’t mean to stereotype at all… AT ALL… but it just seems to me that if you have a man who is overweight and a woman who is overweight, the man is celebrated and the woman is shunned. When I say shunned, I mean she is looked at as some lazy, undisciplined slob of a thing and the man is given a contract to sumo wrestle wearing a diaper. When I was a teenager, I always wondered if it would be any easier to be a boy. To not have to worry about makeup and hair straighteners, and clothes, and woman hormone hoarding week, and wearing death trap underoos, and being a certain acceptable size, etc. But then I realized I’d miss being a girl… there’s something to be said for being a strong, independent woman… hear me roar!
As for my saga with the Spanx… I plan on returning these ones and ordering the next size up… I did like the effect on the bane when I had them on… but maybe getting the proper size is the key to being able to breathe properly!
If I Were A Boy by Beyonce
If I were a boy even just for a day
I’d roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted and go
Question of the Day: What do you envy most about the opposite sex? Anyone have any Spanx recommendations?