Some of you (all 2 of you) may remember that I ammended my bucket list items to accomplish this year with a vow to go hiking more. Ugh… hiking.
This past Saturday after a princess (and one prince) party, Art On the Lawn, and general errand running/grocery shopping, I decide I have plenty of time to get me in a good ole fashioned hike… at 8:15 p.m. Easy peasy… I’ll just zoom up the canyon in my time machine and scale me a mountain at 312 pounds. Most women are embarrassed to display their weight so publicly… I relish the gasps and head shaking when I reveal mine… but I prefer to refer to my weight as 18 to the 2nd power minus 12… that sounds as if I’m birdish in weight. I’ll take it. Like I could go and sit at a dinner table with some older lady and she’d look at me and be like… dear, you look too skinny… I am going to fatten you up… and I’d pretend to act all put out and offended, but on the inside my pancreas is doing back flips of joy!
Sorry… another journey through the recesses of Whitney’s slightly psychotic brain folds… done! Anyway… I decide I’m going hiking. And I kind of planned it this way to avoid the heat. Who wants to cough up a lung in 90-some-odd-degree weather? My madre tells me she knows of this great hike that “isn’t too difficult.” Believe you me, I quizzed her on this until she was bleeding out of her ears. 3000 questions later, I finally agree that this should be my first hike. We hop in the car and drive up the canyon, only to realize that all of the hiking spots are closed due to flood watch 2011 (WAYYYYYYYY too much moisture this winter and spring, so all of our rivers are like burgeoning at the seams… if I hear one thing about water conservation this year, I will pull a Charles Manson, except without the psychoticness and all the murdering.) That hike foiled, we decide to drive further up the canyon and just find some random trail to walk on… which was cool and all, except I’m a novice here and I weigh 18 to the 2nd power minus 12 pounds. Here is only a partial list of my idiotic choices:
1. Shape-Ups are not appropriate hiking apparel… you do not need rocking horse shoes when trying to navigate uneven steep surfaces.
2. Picking trails that are basically straight up at a 90-degree angle is a bad idear for a first timer who weighs 18 to the 2nd power minuse 12. BAD idea… oh, and did I mention a bad idea!? Hiking up the hill wasn’t bad at all… I had a great handle on that… even if it was steep. Hiking back down the hill… not so much… my ankles were turning at every step since the path was so uneven and rocky and my knees needed amputated by the time I hit the bottom… I’d guesstimate I only hiked a total of half a mile too… but straight DOWN is MURDER in rocking horse shoes.
3. Buy a hiking stick… or 2 or 3 or 15,000… I had to hold on to Madre’s shoulder on the way down because I was convinced I would slip and hit my head on a rock and then the ambulance would have to come and they’d have to hire a team of fire fighters to come in with a stretcher and hike my rear quarters out of there and then I’d be on a special on TLC called “Too Fat Too Hike In A Stretcher With Fireman” and I’d be mortified and move back into the depths of despair and take up stock in the Twinkie factory down the street and buy more yarn to make doilies. I don’t ever over analyze things… why do you ask?
4. Go hiking before 9:00 p.m. at night. I hear night hiking is the bee’s knees… not for this girl… YET!
5. Invent a hovercraft that can just carry my dagblasted rear quarters up AND back down the mountainside… and then become a millionaire by selling it on infommercials at 3:00 a.m. (Jen-Jen would be my first customer!)
Needless to say, my first experience back hiking after at least 14 years was a bust. Though, I was surprised at how well I navigated the uphill portion of it all. If I could just live on top of the mountain and never have to hike back down, maybe I’d have something. I’d be like the wise old doily woman who lives in a shoe on the top of a mountain. I’m not giving hiking up completely… but I will be smarter about it next time. Start small… build up… have the proper shoes and my new hovercraft in tow. BINGO!
Question of the Day: Do you enjoy hiking? Any favorite hikes? What was the last mountain you scaled?