Certified Fibber Extraordinaire!

Side Note… um… there was just a drunk dude singing show tunes outside of my window.  Considering I do not live in a busy city, it is 2:00 in the morning, and there is a total of 1 bar in a 30-mile radius, this concerns me.  Maybe I should offer him some pants and a mouth gag.  At least he was more entertaining than all the live rodents and birds I’ve had stuck in my window well previously.  Should have asked if he took requests… I’m really aching to hear his rendition of “I Will Survive”!

I learned really early on in life how to fib… okay fine, fib is an understatement… I lied like a frigging dog!  It saved me from spankings and groundings and other punishments many a time.  I especially used my new found skill when it came to food and eating and sneaking into said food.  I cannot even count how many times when I had snuck into the cookie jar for a handful or 12 handfuls of Oreos… and my mom would ask if I’d been in the cookies, I’d tell her I hadn’t whilst I had black Oreo crumbs pasted to every crevice of my mouth and teeth.  Stupid Oreos anyway!!  I was much more credible with the Twinkies!  DISCLAIMER:  I do not condone lying unless it gets you an extra piece of candy or a lottery win.

I became very good at my lies.  At the age of 16 when I finally got my driver’s license, I’d make up elaborate excuses for why I’d have to leave the house… some friend emergency or work emergency or I had to make an emergent run down to the K-Mart for zit cream… just to be able to get to use the car for a food run.  The problem with lying when it comes to food is I became a closet eater.  In front of people, I ate in sensible portions and even turned down dessert… but behind the scenes when all alone, it became an all-you-can-eat smorgasboard of sugar and lard and anything edible really… because that was the only time I wouldn’t get the stink eye for my food choices.  Some people are scurred of ghosts or boogey men or serial killers… I was scurred of the stink eye!  You know the stink eye… that disapproving look you get when you take too many scoops of ice cream or choose the fried chicken instead of the baked at the restaurant?  THAT look.

In fact, I got so good at my lying, that when I was 5 years old, I conjured up a whole scenario in my noggin and got my sister and little playmates to be the actors in the play with me.  I told my parents that we had been approached by a big truck and a scary-looking guy in this big truck offered us some candy if we’d come and sit in his cab with him.  That’s when we all started screaming and ran into the house.  I have to say that fibbing aside, I gave one helluva Oscar-worthy performance complete with tears and shrieking voice… so much so, that my folks called the Police and had them send an officer out to the house.  The officer came and I lied to him too.  I showed him the tire tracks where this scary-looking, candy-offering dude supposedly pulled onto the lawn.  I made up what the dude looked like (scraggly hair, a beard and a mustache).  Friendly officer wrote all of this down in his little notebook and I was pretty darn proud of myself because I was already good at lying at the age of 5.  DISCLAIMER:  Again, I was 5, so I’m obviously not responsible for my own actions or my transgressions, Adam and Eve.  It was also during the Safety Kids phase, so I blame my parents for buying me those tapes and books.

No, I hadn't been drinking red juice... that red ring around my mouth was from a freak lipstick attack!

Anyhow, point being… lying is bad… especially to police officers.  Why am I blabbering on about this?  I’ve had several people ask me why I don’t have my food diary public on MyFitnessPal…  It’s because I’m still scurred of that dagnabbed stink eye… people judging me for not eating ONLY vegetables.  If I make my diary public, I know I’ll just start lying again.  Lying about what I eat is not something I’m going to go back to… so until I get to that point where I’m comfortable with having people judge my food, my diary will be private.  Just know that I eat like a normal person… I eat all of my allotted calories… and I truly do believe all things in moderation.  If you don’t believe me… call 9-1-1 because they did!

Question of the Day:  Did you fib much as a kid?  How about now as an adult? 





Filed under Childhood, Food

17 responses to “Certified Fibber Extraordinaire!

  1. cl2

    I think this may be one of my biggest issues–hiding what I eat. I don’t so much from my ex and kids (though I used to), but now from Mike. That is a REAL admission for me. I’d say there are a lot of psychological issues that go along with that, but I won’t delve into them–very much the food police though and it really doesn’t have to be about food either.

  2. Dorothy Dingman

    There were some things as a child I would lie about, and we laugh about it because it was ALWAYS to take the blame for something I didn’t do to keep someone else from getting in trouble. My brother learned very quickly how that system worked, and loved it! After about the umpteenth time of this, I changed my ways. From about the age of 14 or so (after being grounded for two months for locking my brother out of the house, which is why he didn’t get his chores done…at least that’s what he said) I became honest to a fault.

    When I was 15, I begged my best friend to let me drive her car out of the driveway. She did, and I promptly ran it into the fireplace and broke out a brick. No damage to the car thankfully, and that brick just slid nicely back into it’s home, though it was not cemented in any longer. Several months later, I heard my mom and dad discussing who had the most auto accidents after my dad received a speeding ticket. I became so stressed over their discussion that I started to cry and said it was me, I wanted to drive the car and ran it into the fireplace and knocked the brick loose. They both stopped and stared at me…they didn’t know anything about the fireplace!

    As an adult, I do not lie. It drives Ray crazy, because I will go back into the store if they forget to charge me for something, and when we bought our new recliner, the salesman rang it up for $150 cheaper than it was. I told him and he said it was right. I argued with him until he “fixed” it and charged me $150 more. Ray said my moral compass is set to high. My reply was he probably worked on commission and it would be taking food off his table. I can’t help it!

    I can totally relate to the closet eating, and my MFP diary is private for exactly the same reason. I am afraid that people will judge me about what I am eating (or not eating) and I am my own worst critic. Trust me, I know I have food issues, I am not willing to open it up for others to remind me of it! If I get to the point that I am doing everything in my ability to do what is right, and not seeing the results I would expect, I may open it to friends only for constructive criticism.

    • Dorothy… I can totally believe that about you begging the salesman to charge you the full price!! You come across as a kind and generous person… As for taking the blame for your brother… another example of your extreme generosity… but I’m hecka glad you turned that one around!!

  3. Whitney, your honesty is refreshing. I think all of us, at least those of us who have been conditioned to fear the “stink eye”, have learned to lie, sneak, and pass the blame onto others, especially if we know, or think, we wont get caught. I started out on MFP with my diary open for all to see. I got the “stink eye” from a few who thought I wasn’t eating enough, or enough of the right things, or angry about my not eating all my exercise calories, etc… Anyway, I deal with guilt over irrational things every day and don’t need anyone else to add to it. I closed my diary and now only get “high fives” on my weight loss… regardless of the oreos, or cheetos, or Hershey’s Kisses, I may have fit into my calories for the day…. which of course gave me little wiggle room for the yogurts and/or bananas. Here I am, at my goal weight, and still I don’t want to share my diary. I’ll share my deepest thoughts, but hands off when it comes to making suggestions as to what I should eat! That’s sacred ground you is tramplin’ on there, girl! Hey, guess we aren’t so bad or weird after-all, or at least we’re alike, and therefore not “too” crazy, huh??

    • AMEN, JULIE, AMEN! It’s ridiculous some of the people who freely criticize others’ diary… I see it every day on MFP and it makes me mad. Who are they to tell anyone how to have success? We are all working on our own demons. I’m glad I’m not alone in that feeling!

  4. Wow. . . well it makes sense why you would keep it private then. . .I just figured that you had good reasons for doing so. . . and obviously you have been successful. . . so I say just keep truckin. . . . huggles.

  5. Louisa

    Question of the Day: Did you fib much as a kid? How about now as an adult?

    I am and always have been a HORRIBLE liar.
    Ask my mother…
    She will tell you I was so easy to read it was like a neon sign that said LIE on my forehead everytime I tried to get away with something.
    I never understood that growing up and thought she was just mean. She would always come down on me hard.
    I even checked in the mirror on more than one occasion to see if LIE was really there. Tried to rub it off b/c it bugged me that my siblings could all do it and get away with stuff and I couldn’t.
    I get it now b/c both my kids are easy reads and are learning it is so much easier to be honest than full of lies and sneaky business.
    They have had to learn the hard way that I go much much easier on them if they are truthful with me than if they choose not to be.

    I never lie now as an adult. I am all out there for everyone to see 100%.
    I don’t lie to spare people’s feelings either. If they ask me for my opinion or thoughts, then I give it to them. If they don’t like it, then I remind them that they asked for it. I am not rude, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t lie. I don’t burden myself with all the crud that is out there. I just don’t have any room for it in my life and the stress of it isn’t healthy, so it is out.
    I am a take me as I am kind of person.

    Yes, I found myself secret eating as well, Whitney. It was becoming more frequent also ( when I was at my heaviest ) and I knew it wasn’t the way to do it.
    I was lying to myself then and I have found it very liberating to be so open and honest with my friends on MFP and my family as well. My diary on MFP is open. I like the accountability. Honestly, I haven’t had any issues w/ people seeing it. I think I am harder on myself than anyone on MFP could be.

    Keep on…keepin’ on…

    • That’s an awesome trait to have, Louisa… honesty IS the best policy, no matter what anyone tries to tell us. And I also believe that a child has to learn that for themselves.

  6. This reminds me of something my brother and I did as kids. My mom was baking a crust for this dessert thing for a party. When she pulled it out of the oven, it smelled fantastic and we asked if we could have some. She said no. She left it on the counter to cool and she went on cleaning the house for the party and my brother and I both pulled pieces of the crust right out of the middle. She later noticed that the crust had what had to have been a ginormous hole in the middle of it and asked both me and my brother if we had taken some. We totally lied, but eventually we fessed up. Our punishment was severe and got the message across. We had some salesman guy come by to sell this cleaner stuff that would get oil spots off the driveway. My parents bought some and my mom gave us each a toothbrush and we scrubbed oil spots on the driveway for what felt like forever. I don’t lie now. It’s just not worth it!

    • HAHA! Go Rachel’s Madre. The tootbrush thing is funny… and I’m sure I’d have shaped right up too had I been given that task. I remember sneaking into baked goods as well… I’d always try to “even” out the brownies so that no one could tell there were some missing.

  7. By the way, you totally should have gone outside and given the drunk guy your number. He might have been your prince charming!

  8. Jen

    The man singing next outside your window must have been the same guy that goes hot tubbing in the nude!

  9. Jena

    Ha ha! I heard about this story when we went camping with your parents last year! I was hoping you would blog about it! What an imagination you had (and still have)! When I was little I remember my sister told me if you waved your arms when an airplane flew over it would land. I believed her for the longest time!

    • Oh man, Jena!! Was that story still making the rounds around the campfire!?!? I will never live it down! I’m sure your little one has quite the imagination as well. Buckle up, girl!

      That’s hilarious about the arm waving airplane landing! I love sisters!

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