First things first since I was brought up to be all polite unless it was friendly woman hormone hoarding week… that week all bets were off the table… thank you for the well wishes and for all the “under the tornado” advice. I feel MUCH better (knock on wood because with my luck I’ll step foot outside and get binged in the head by a well meaning paper boy, be rendered a vegetable, and spend the rest of my life picking earthworms out of my nostrils). Why do you ask such things?
So, before all that happens… back to the topic: Labels on crack… aka food labels printed by dudes who just smoked a joint in the back parking lot. Not that I would know these things or anything. DISCLAIMER: I have never in my life worked for a food label manufacturer nor have I smoked anything but a fish in the back parking lot… except that one time my car caught on fire… but that’s a whole nother story. Oh, and I did smoke my sister Lindsay once at a game of Keystone Kapers on the Atari (yes, we had an Atari in the late 90s)… groovey keeno dudes!
Focus, Whitty, focus! Labels! Tonight, I was making dinner… a nice dish I like to call comfort on a plate aka new potatoes and peas! You know the ones… the ones where you get them tiny baby potatoes, get you some nekked peas (minus the pod… this ain’t a strip joint!), and then mix that all together with some thickened milk… lactose… off with your head?
Before I went to the trouble of making it, I was figuring out the calories for my recipe, using that handy dandy recipe majigger thing on MyFitnessPal. Works like a charm, except when it doesn’t work and/or I don’t like the calories it comes up with. I figured me out the calories per serving and then proceeded to scrub my baby potatoes, which just so happened to come in a little bag with a food nutrition label! NICE!! Except not so much nice. This label was on CRACK! It’s all telling me that 1 potato (one of which is the size of my thumb and can fit up my nostril) is 110 calories… that’s cool and all since the potatoes seem to be all different sizes. But then it’s telling me that the whole bag contains 15 servings!! So just going by that, if I were to use the whole bag of taters there would be at least 1650 calories in my recipe that serves 4.
Math doesn’t add up Sherlock… 15 servings my rear patookus. Oh, there were definitely 15 TINY potatoes in that sack, but them 15 potatoes were not 1650 calories! Seeing as I’m a professional investigator (due to the many hours I’ve put in watching 48 Hours: Mystery and Dateline NBC), I know this CANNOT be the case. Not in a million lifetimes. Fer goodness sakes, a full-sized spud is under 300 calories… I’ll eat that instead. I investigate further and find that they are referring to their 1 potato serving size as weighing 5.3 ounces… and since there are only 24 ounces in my entire bag of BABY taters, that means there can only be under 5 servings in the bag… not 15!!! MISLEADING! Here, I was thinking I’d only be able to eat half a teaspoon full for dinner.
Moral of the story: Don’t trust labels on crack. It’s a smart thing to investigate further. I’ve taken to calling these brand of spuds the Anorexic Carb… I’d need a magnifying glass and a barbie doll-sized fork to eat their version of a calorie!
Question of the Day: Do you measure your servings by weight or by measurement? Anyone recommend me a nice affordable food scale? I have one that was made in the 1750s by dudes without shoes and it sucks!?