I haven’t been to any concert concerts this year. There was a time when I attended them ALL… all of ’em… but then it got too difficult with the bane of my existence making seating near impossible… and the fact that venues do not let you pick an aisle seat on the floor in a chair without arms just made me give it up completely. Take that, you overly priced concert people! Me and my bane will just sit on the couch and eat us some Pizza Hut and watch us our stories on the Food Network (yes, they have stories on the Food Network… that one about how the pizza married the calzone… that was so touching)! And all the Pizza Huts are mourning the loss of my weekly calling sessions. Take that, you greasy deep dish heart attack! Oh, I still have it on occasion… just not once a week with my slice being circular instead of triangley.
Oh good gravy… this topic is NOT about pizzas, Whitney. MOVE ON! So, anywho… my first concert in a while was Sugarland in Salt Lake City on Saturday night. I measured the stadium seats with my butt when I broke into the local football stadium earlier this year and even though I found I could fit into them, I still bought myself 2 seats so I wouldn’t squoosh the person next to me… and okay, I admit it… I’m dagnabbed PARANOID! That’s also not counting the 4 other seats I “accidentally” bought when I realized that the “Sugarpit” is a standing only thing… heck if I’m going to stand for 4 hours straight in my rocking horse shoes. We eventually sold 3 of the 4 other seats to a random girl from the Internet… which left us with one (and my extra butt seat). Thanks to Holly for coming along… I know it couldn’t have been easy living around these 3 jacked up folk with brain issues for so many hours in a row. It was fun, though… we should do it again!
Turns out, I fit into the dagnabbed seat just fine, so didn’t need the 2 seats… though I’m still convinced that Lindsay and Madre, sitting on either side of me, were a bit scrunched… even if they kept saying they weren’t. It didn’t really matter in the long run because when you be sitting in a concert that serves beer, you don’t actually get to sit in your seat for more than 35 seconds at a time. There’s a secret circle amongst concert goers… goes a little bit like this… shimmy through row for beer run, make EVERYBODY on the row stand up so beer dudes can get out, come back to row with 2 beers, make everybody stand up so they can get back to their seat… and then when they’re done drinking their two 24-ouncers, they have to make a potty run, so then EVERYBODY in the row stands up again, and then they come back with… you guessed it… 2 more beers in each paw. It’s like a neverending cycle of ridonculous! On the upside, I did get aquainted with a lot of people’s hair follicles as they tried to drunkenly shimmy past me. I should have asked to sit in the nondrinking section… it was a sign when I sat behind a girl who was wearing a tank top that said VODKA in big letters on the back of it.
Sara Bareilles was the opening act and she was cute as a button singing all of her hits like Love Song and King of Anything and my personal favorite, Gravity. Which almost did not get sung until I telepathically sent her a message that she could not leave the stage without singing my favorite song and she got right to it on her way off.
Then there was a big ole intermission while they set up the stage for Sugarland, which was pretty much bare bones seeing as all of their equipment, set, and instruments got crushed in the aforementioned tragedy. We took this time to make the people at the end of our row do what we had been doing for 2 hours now… stand up so we could go get us a beer! We settled on some roasted nuts and a show by a lady wearing a silky slip dress in 50 mph wind with polka dotted boxers on underneath it. At least she was wearing the boxers… GLORY HALLELUJAH for that. And by the by… if you were curious, no I did not ask her to lift up her dress so I could see her boxers, the wind did that for everyone else in the vicinity. Two shows for the price of one!
I went for the cashews with the happy dude on the front of it:
Then it was time for the main attraction… the two 65-year-old stylish women in the Sugarpit. I swear to you they were dancers on the original Solid Gold dance show (that was a show right?)… SWEAR! They were busting up a drunken move… and probably a couple of hips in the process. I done recognized some of their dance moves… since most of them were from my 90s aerobics classes… the famous touch the elbow to the knee move, sway drunkenly back and forth leaning on some other drunken stranger move, climb over people’s heads to dance with random other drunken people 5 rows back moves. They had them ALL down. Jennifer Nettles (of Sugarland) even pointed them out one time, saying, I see you 2 crazy women. Despite having no fancy set like the last time we saw them and no costume changes, Sugarland knows how to put on a show. It was a fun concert and I’d go again… despite the beer run shuffle.
I’m mad at myself, though. On the way home, Holly, Madre, and I ran into the Asphalt Moses… seriously! I ain’t joking you! Ask anyone I know. He was a construction worker (apparently it’s hard times since Biblical days). He was wearing his head wrap with band tied across it and was holding his shovel up like he was about to part the dagnabbed road with his staff. And he had a beard!!! I was mad because I didn’t get proof with a picture… Madre was in no mood to be embarrassed by her daughter asking some random construction worker at midnight if he’d give me his Mose-agraph (that would be a Moses autograph)! Such a shame too… I could have had my real copy of the Bible autographed.
Question of the Day: What’s the last concert you went to? If you haven’t been to a concert recently, who would you like to see perform live and why?