This One’s For Me…

The title is accurate.  This blog post is for me and me alone.  I’d skip reading this if you don’t like being depressed, cats, bearded women at the circus, crying, and/or you have the steel-plated heart of Scrooge.  Okay then… that qualifies me to stop reading.  I need to do this so I can get past my mourning sadness weekend and move on… quit eating my sadness away like I am auditioning for the circus as the fat bearded woman.  One weekend is enough for that kind of audition… understand now?  Call this my own form of free therapy, if you will.

Friday afternoon my beloved little kitty of 22 years, since I was a wee gal of 11 years old, died.  It hit me hard… mostly because I was dreading it, she’s been a part of my life for 2/3 of it, and also because I watched her die.  I discovered her little body lying in the dirt at the base of the deck stairs, like she couldn’t muster the strength to get up them, so just lay down.  She was still breathing at that time, shallow breaths… but her eyes were far away and vacant.  I picked her up, knowing I could not let her die with her nose shoved into a pile of mud, and I brought her in the house and set her on her favorite little blanket and then I pet her and I told her what a good little kitty she had been and that I loved her… because I did.  I also bawled… racking sobs, trying to let go of 22 years of companionship in the space of a few hours.  I now know that I don’t handle tragical events well… especially involving someone/something I am close to… unless you consider pacing like a lunatic as handling something well.

I called my mom to come and help me and she came home and took over… and surprisingly, despite the fact that she is NOT an animal person, comforted the poor thing, talked to it, called the vet, and even shed a few tears over her as well.  Just half an hour later, she was gone… it was like she was waiting for us before she finally let go.

I wish I hadn’t watched her die.  I have this image in my head of her twitching, lifeless body, gasping for breath, and slowly fading away as she lay in the middle of the living room floor on a pile of puppy pads and a blanket… and I know that is not how I want to remember her.  I want to remember her as the sweet little, loyal cat that she was for 22 years.  Following me around everywhere… even on walks… meowing every so often so I knew she was there…  Sitting on my feet while I watched TV or worked.

I want to remember her as the psycholy obedient thing she was.  When you’d tell her she was not to come into a room, she would sit her little butt outside the door and wait patiently.  And we never had a litter box in the house… EVER.  When she needed to go, she would let us know and then we’d let her out.  She never had an accident, until the last few days of her life… and even then she was courteous enough to go into the bathroom on the bathroom floor.

I want to remember her as the loving little thing that she was.  She’d wait outside the door of the bathroom when I’d go in there and no matter how long I was in there, she’d be there waiting patiently when I came out again.  She loved people and everyone was her friend… except for little kids in her older years.  She could pass on those.  Sunday dinner when Makayla and Corbin would come over, she’d know before they had even come and would hide herself away until they left.

She was smart… she knew how to let herself in through the screen door.  Using her paw to pull it open and then slithering her skinny body into the house…. and I swear she knew English.  We had many conversations, me and this little cat of mine.  I’d ask a question and she’d meow her answer… and even though I didn’t speak a lick of kitty cat, we understood each other.

She loved to snuggle, have her ears scratched, and she purred up until the end.  I’m thankful for the 22 years I had with my little runty kitty cat.  She gave me much more than I ever gave her and I hope that she thought that her life under my constant germ-a-phobe nagging was worth it.  I wondered yesterday as I dug her a little grave out by the garden… I have the blisters to prove it.  Were the last 22 years worth it despite all the heartache now?  My answer… HELL YES!  Love you, Kitty… may you rest in peace, frolicking up in the heavens with all the other beloved pets.

I took this video earlier this year… it’s boring… probably only Lindsay will want to watch it, but whenever I watch it, it helps me to get that awful dying image out of my head…  I hope that image fades as the days go by.  Rest in peace my sweet little pumpkin…

NOTE:  I may be scarce with the blog posting in the next few days… we’ll see how much inspiration I get.

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18 Comments

Filed under Childhood, Family

18 responses to “This One’s For Me…

  1. Louisa a.k.a. ProudMomOfTwo

    I am glad you posted about your kitty and your loss.
    I loved seeing her playing with the cord in the video and yes you will remember all the good times.
    You have some beautiful pics of her and you carry her memory inside your heart.
    I am glad you were there for her to the end. Your mom was sweet to come.
    Yes, the images of death are difficult but your many special times will make that one image fade.
    Ask yourself…would I have wanted to be anywhere else when she needed me the most?
    I am still a tearful mess over the loss of my Dad just earlier this month but you know what …? I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else but at his side lifting him up to his Glory. As hard as it was…and still is…I would do it again.

  2. cl2

    Oh Whitney, I’m so sorry! You need to take all the time you have to. I didn’t take the time when I lost my last dog some 14 years ago and my therapist told me I probably cry at the wrong times because I didn’t take the time necessary. It has been 5-1/2 months since I had to put my dog down and I sitll sing “our song” to him every day. My therapist told me to take time every day to mourn not only him, but my prior dog and my parents. Pets are our constant companions–and love us no matter what. I held my dog as he died. Didn’t think I could. I knew that day that it was the time (I begged my dad to let me know when it was time so I wouldn’t make the wrong decision)–and I KNEW. My dog didn’t like being held–but he let me hold him most of the day. I listened to the seconds tick away knowing that was the day and at 3:30 I had an appt. I didn’t think I could do it–but I did.

    I don’t know that I can ever have another dog–because it shatters your heart when you lose them.

    My heart breaks for you today. I can say it gets better with time–as it does.

    I can’t watch videos of either of my dogs. Still after 14 years, I haven’t watched the videos of my other dog.

    In time, you will find that you will remember the other times–not just the day she died and how. Hate to say it, but I had to go back on prozac after my dog died. I only do 10 mg and it took that edge off. I’m still on it–afraid to go off.

    I’ll be thinking about you today. Our pets give us so much!

  3. jen

    What a nice tribute to your little Kitty. Don’t feel embarrassed for being sad. Losing a pet is a real loss that needs to be mourned for. Hang in there.

  4. Deanna

    This is a lovely post. Thank you for sharing your story and emotions with us. I watched the video and thought it was so cute! I can only imagine how hard it is going to be without her. I hope you find comfort in your many fond memories. Hugs Whitney!
    Deanna

  5. Holly

    Oh Whitney. My heart aches for you. I know all to well the pain of losing a feline companion. Prayers are with you.

  6. Karen

    So sorry, I swore I would never have another cat after Oscar died. It is too hard to part with an animal that is so unconditional in its love. Took me months to be able to talk about Oscar without tears. Still have wonderful memories. This is hard.

  7. Mandy

    I’m so sorry! It is definitely hard to lose a pet & you have every right to be sad.

  8. dessawade

    I am triying not to cry at work while reading this. Nice tribute to our Kitty! She is happy and whole flitting around in heaven with her pals so try to imagine this and not her death. Love you Whit!

  9. Lisa

    I’m so sorry Hun! My cat is like my kids. Drive you crazy some times, but you love them so much it just doesn’t matter how annoying they can be. Hugs sweetheart!!

  10. Liz

    I am very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. 22 years must be some kind of record. I can only hope my little (actually 15 lbs) fuzzball lasts that long to enrich my life as much as your kitty did. She was a beautiful animal.

  11. Sorry for your loss, Whit. Hang in there!

  12. Lindsay

    BUMMER! I hate parting . . . even knowing that lil one is happier and not in ANY pain it still is not that comforting!

    The pictures are great and YES I did throughly enjoy the video! Thanks whit!

  13. karen8095

    Wonderful little kitties leaving paw prints on our hearts – sending you hugs – 22 is a very great age, my Jemima and Chloe made it to 16 and 18. Miss them so much but the sorrow of losing them is far outweighed by the happiness and love we shared. Take care xx

  14. Donna

    😦 I’m sorry dear:(

  15. Very sorry to hear. I am sad for you. She was a gorgeous kitty.

    Wow-22 years! that is a really long life for a cat! IMO…Was her name “Kitty” or did I miss her name?

    I absolutely LOOOOOOOOOOVE calico cats!

    I had 3 of them in my lifetime so far…1st was Simba. I forget how long she lived, but it was quite some time. I think she got sick and ran off to die, not sure. I was in highschool @ the time I believe when she ran off. She was double-pawed 🙂 She had 1 litter of kittens, and we kept the one calico kitten (I named her Keroppi-like the name of the frog from Helly Kitty). Keroppi was also double pawed (looked just like her mother). I love double paws! Keroppi ran off at some point too, never to be found. I was very sad when both of them ran off. Simba got very mean (very, very, very mean) in her old age, but I still miss them to this day.

    I don’t know if I told you or you read this on MFP-but there was another cat that was calico that I found in our barn (someone dumped her) last year, and I was IN LOVE with her. She was the best cat I had ever had (the most affectionate anyways). I named her Sophie. Sophie too, disappeared after I we had her for a few months. I was DEVASTATED. I cried for days.

    We have coyotes, etc. in our area so that very well might be what got these cats (as they take our chickens)…we have a lot of hawks in our area too, but I don’t know if they would go after cats or not.

    • Lyndsey… so sorry to hear about Sophie and the other cats. It’s so true. Those little furballs burrow their way into our hearts and homes and it stings when they’re gone! Keep the memory alive!

      My cat had several names… so we’d say her name was “Kitty” My sister wanted to name her Elvis… yes… HER… I wanted to name her Suzie or Ninner… so, Kitty it was!

  16. Andrea

    So, so sorry for you Whitney! It is amazing how these furry beings get into our hearts. I “talked” frequently to my cat, who was with me even before my husband. Hang in there and enjoy the memories.

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