Happy Halloween! Since it is the day of the dead today, I figure it’s time to interrupt my neverending trip retelling to tell about my weekend happenings… get you all in the mood for today’s frightfully freaktasticly boofully day of eating wayyyyyyyyyyyyy too much candy and ooing and awwing over little munchkins wearing monster masks. Saturday marked the day of the surprise birthday present from my sister, Lindsay; as was mentioned in the delightful post where you all learned that I am actually not a person, but a boo-bblehead. I dislike surprises with a thousand burning fruitcakes… you might as well throw all my clothes away and make me stand nekked on a stage somewhere. The reason I hate surprises so much is that in the past, especially, I always had to do my research whenever I’d go anywhere… I had to research whether the chairs had arms on them… were there booths… how long of a walk would it be… would it require much standing? Etc., etc., etc. And I never trusted anyone to do that research for me because no one who hasn’t been in a morbidly obese person’s shoes could EVER understand the humiliation that comes from not being able to fit into a chair or having to stop walking every 5 seconds to catch my breath. Now that I am able to do more things, I still find myself getting all anxious about surprises… I need to know what is going on so that I can prepare for any humiliation/embarrassment that may come. I know that my friends and family would never intentionally try to bring humiliation, but like I said before when you aren’t morbidly obese, your mind works differently… you don’t have to constantly worry about the logistics of doing anything… your mind does not automatically go there… and yet, a morbidly obese person has to obsess over it. That’s why it was mostly easier just to stay at home and not do a dang thing… I didn’t have to worry about breaking a chair or people pointing and whispering in my direction. Totes easier!
That explained, I tried to go into Saturday with a somewhat open mind… though I still grumbled up a storm (that was also owing to the fact that I was dealing with some unwanted hormone hoarding), LIE TO ME ONE MORE TIME AND I’LL SMACK YOU IN THE FACE WITH A CUMQUAT! Our first instruction was to drive to Maple Springs Assisted Living Center in Brigham City where my dad works and meet his newest resident, who will in turn give me my next clue. En route, my dad told me his newest resident’s name was Ella Berger, which just so happened to be the exact same name as my dear grams… since my dear grams passed away several years ago and I know she never owned a Ouija board, it had to be a weird coincidence… or so I kept telling myself. I was not exactly excited to meet this new resident whilst hoarding hormones… just wasn’t in the mood, so when I ended up in front of her door, waiting for her to answer it, I was anything but expecting what I’d see on the other side of the door:
Bwahahahahahaha… my cute cuzzins Jen-Jen and Jess aka little Ella and little Ora all decked out in their old lady chiq finest! My mood instantly changed… these sweet girls drove about 3 hours from Idaho just to attend my b-day shindig… what a great surprise. We have a running joke in our family that Jen-Jen is turning into grandma by the second… and she’d rigged up her costume down to the minute detail… rotting brown banana, Metamucil, and candy aka cough drops. Jess had a lovely wicker purse (the same material they use to make them wicker chairs, I’d guess, and pants that could be pulled clear up to her neck if she was feeling the need to fashion them into a jumpsuit.
From there, we all piled into the car to drive to Lindsay’s house in Centerville. Every last one of them lied to me all the way there and back… every last one of them. May they be forgiven. 😛
Linds loves Halloween and she had these cute lil’ party favors waiting for us… we also got a tour of her Halloween decorations… SPPPPOOOOOKKKKYYYY!!
Totes creepily cute, right!? Jess even made these professional-looking cupcakes from scratch!! I told her she needed to quit her day job and become a professional cupcake making little Ora in animal print.
We piled back into two cars, where Linds, Jen, Jess, and I were treated to some tricks from Lindsay’s car… black smoke pouring out of the air conditioning vents, weird noises and exclamations from Lindsay every 10 feet that her car might break down, and a mysterious Indian food smell. Thank all that be holy we arrived safely at my first surprise… Gardner Village, a collection of bewitching shops and places to dine. In October it’s the place of the witches… they have a bajillion life-sized witch displays throughout the place. Some of my favorites included a witch shoved in an outhouse with a sign that read “Witchy Poo” (I didn’t get a good picture of that one)… and the following:
These witches actually moved and talked… the ones in the back… how rude are you!?
This one was making some sort of green brew… pretty sure it had something to do with Jack… Daniels, that is.
Dad was first to point out what this one was doing… no explanation needed… After perusing a few shops, including a delectable candy shop that included vegetables and fruits:
Kids… who says eating your peas and carrots has to be a gross thing? Y’all have obviously not tried my version! We ate dinner at a restaurant named, Archibald’s where I had a delectable veggie fajita salad with all the condiments on the side:
Oh, but that wasn’t the end of the surprises… after informing me that she spent $18 to get me into this Gardner’s Village candy shop (LIES!), I thought we needed to get our money’s worth and stay all dagnabbed night… instead we got back into the rubber burning death trap and drove to the next location… the Salt Lake City homeless shelter!! You think I’m kidding, but I’m not… we were scared crapless by a guy chasing us down asking for money… just so happens that the meeting place for the next adventure was next door to the homeless shelter. What was it, you ask? Salt Lake City Ghost Tours on a bus! (Insert screaming and slasher movie music). Totes creative, right!? That’s why my family is cool… always going the thoughtful route!
The bus tour included telling of ghost stories about several of the buildings in SLC and a couple of field trips where we piled out of the bus to walk around the cemetery and this other haunted place called Memory Grove. The problem with this tour… our tour guide (albeit the sweetest lady on the block) was a little too happy and giggly to be an effective ghost scarer… so her stories came off more like pixieish fairy tales where everyone was all happy and jolly and friendly… all the while talking about spirits roaming the earth. It’s not effective to tell me that a mother threw her 6 kids off a hotel balcony to their death in a sing songy Mary Poppins voice… tee hee hee… that crazy mother! She did encourage us to take pictures in the dark of the cemetery to see if we could capture orbs and such. I’m pretty proud of my orb shot at the cemetery… though everyone else in the group laughed it off:
Thems are TOTES orbs! That is not the moon… those are not speckles on my camera lens… they are ORBS!!! ORBS, DANGIT!
A pretty fun day, if you ask me… Thank you Lindsay for being so thoughtful about my gift and to little Ella and little Ora for making my weekend… and to mom and dad for lying up a dagnabbed frigging storm! Also, thank you to the orbs of Christmas Past for appearing in my photo… ORBS, DAGNAB IT… them things are ORBS!!!
Question of the Day: Do you have any Halloween traditions? What are you (or your kids) dressed up as this year?