This fat chick danced the night away the other night… and by dance the night away I really mean jumped up and down flailing my arms around like I was trying to exit a burning building for 45 minutes. Stop, drop, and roll… don’t forget the seizure medication! I was at Best Buy last week helping Madre purchase her an iPAD… you heard me right… Madre is all technological these days. Anyway… I was there and I came across a Zumba game for the Wii on clearance. I had always been curious about Zumba since my mom, cuzzin, and sister rave about it… and there ain’t no way on this slightly brownish-grassed Earth I would ever Zumba up in a public joint… AIN’T NO WAY!!! Since it was only 20 bucks (including Zumba belt), I bought it.
I’ve never been a video game person… I think the last video game I played was the Atari in the 80s… Keystone Kapers… so explain this to me… why was I doing Zumba with a jaundiced-looking chiquita? I take that back… she was a multi-colored chiquita. For 5 minutes she was jaundiced… the next 5 she was burning up with fever… and then another 5 she looked a bit green. Give me a dagnabbed real person! Jem and the Holograms was a great show, but I ain’t gonna stand for no hologram teaching me Zumba moves!
Y’all… call the paramedics right now… I may be dislocating a hip any time now. It’s not really my fault that I was born with the rhythm of a stick in the mud with an 800-pound gorilla sitting on top of it. I’m just really not coordinated and definitely not light on my feet. Picture a rhinocerous starring in the Swan Lake ballet and you’ll pretty much have a picture in your mind of my dancing skillz.
I made sure the lights were out and no one was around before I put that sucker in on Monday night. Smartest decision of my life. I, of course, did not do one dance move right. Eventually I got so annoyed that I just started flailing around like a seizure patient. And THEN… they make you wear this annoying green and black belt with your Wii remote tucked into a pocket of it… um… WHY!? It didn’t matter if I had it on or off, the chic still moved the same way. She kept telling me… Good job… Perfect… You are doing great… etc., etc., etc., which made me hysterical about 20 minutes in. Honey child… you can’t see me and if you could, you’d be saying things like Oh dear… oh, be careful… need me to call the paramedics… the rhinocerous called and she wants her moves back! Eh well… despite the fact that I can’t dance, the flailing and jumping burned some major calories. I’ll take it… in the privacy of my darkened basement. Next time I might nail boards to the windows!
Question of the Day: Do you enjoy dancing?