It turns out I’m still wearing the exact same pants I did nearly 240 pounds ago… EXACT same. No joking around. I have about 8 bajillion pairs of the same exact black, stretchy, elastic waist pants. Dead serious. They’re the same size I wore when I weighed 530 pounds. Part of it has to do with the fact that they come with built-in elastic… there’s a LOT of give in elastic… you can wear them at pretty much any size and save moola in the process. The other part of it is I have this really annoying bane of my existence apron extension that seems to require mucho camoflaugization… and if I wear a tighter pair of pants, I might as well just tape a fluorescent pink sign on my bane that says… LOOK AT ME… I”M GROTESQUE AND ANNOYING… and I GET JIGGY WIT IT WHEN SHE MOVES. That was totally a disgusting description, but it’s the truth… and now I’m going to have 8 bajillion blog readers discretely trying to check out my stretchy pants/bane next time they see me in public. Look away from the apron… I ain’t afraid to call the bane police!
Now it’s just getting ridonculous. I have a hard time keeping the suckers up even with the built-in elastic and I usually end up pulling them up to my neck region just to give them enough time to inch their way down throughout the day. Thankfully, they’ve never inched all the way down to my ankles in public. I usually have a good grasp on how to pull the suckers up when they hit mid bane. I’ve even resorted to safety pins and wearing tight undershirts just to give them something to hold themselves up with. I think it’s time I find me a new pair of elastic-waisted black pant uniforms. Durrrr… you think?
Last week I tried on a bunch of pants at the store… my least, least, LEAST favorite thing in this entire universe to do… LEAST… 2nd would be kidney stones… and 3rd would be getting beat up by Bieber Fever. Of course, all the ones I tried were elastic waist and stretchy… but just for kicks and giggles, I also threw in a pair of jeans just to see how far up my thighs I could get the suckers.
I’m trying to remember the last time I wore jeans. Jeans with an elastic band waist do NOT count… I’m talking jeans with no elastic whatsoever in any form on any orifice. Just plain jeans. I’m still thinking on how long it’s been… wait for it… I couldn’t tell you it’s been that long. It had to have at least been 14 or 15? Maybe? I sat in the dressing room with a big ole silly grin on my face after I pulled on those nonelastic waist pants, buttoned, and zipped with no problem at all. Of course, there was no way in Richard Simmons’ fanny pack I would have ever worn them in public… we’re talking about jumbo muffin top AND flashing neon arrows pointing to my bane. Just the fact that they fit me was good enough for me. Last year I tried on a pair just for fun and I couldn’t even get them on… even if weight isn’t being lost as fast… inches are coming off in some places… and that lights a fire under the rear for me to want to keep on moving forward… as if I had a choice anyway!
Question of the Day: Do you have a favorite pair of jeans? What brand is your favorite?