The Psychotic Experiment…

This past week was an experiment… I’m choosing to call it an experiment because it sounds a whole heckuva lot better than hippo in a tutu turns into a lazy butt turd bucket.  I want to say I felt burnt out… but I really don’t think that applies.  Of course, friendly female hormone hoarding makes any minuscule issue about 1000000000000000 times worse than it really is.  Overreaction is my middle name… except on the days it’s Durrrrrrr.  It was also reconfirmed that turning to food when any type of feeling crops up will ALWAYS be my number one knee jerk reaction… always.  It would be beneficial if I didn’t have feelings… feelings are dumb, said the Kindergartener in a tutu!  I’ve never liked to deal with emotions and feelings.  It’s just easier to stuff it down and eventually it goes away until it comes back up again at some point… but that also ate me up to 530 pounds… yes it did.  So, the smart part of my brain would say that finding another way to deal would be like geniosity of Einstein proportions!

I didn’t want to last week.  I wanted to be lazy and not log any food and not exercise only but 2 times in a 7-day period.  I also wanted to eat french fries and pizza and Hansel and Gretel’s witch’s house.  I take that back, I did log food.  I did my usual Saturday night plug everything into MFP for the whole week… but that plan unraveled around Wednesday… and then I took on the food plan of Sal, the Sumo Wrestler… because his included cookies.

I hated myself last week… okay, fine… I didn’t hate me… I hated the way I chose to handle myself.  Didn’t you always hate it when your parents used to say that to you?  I don’t hate you… I hate your actions.  BUGGED!  But, I guess I get it now.

For several years in my late teens to mid 20s, I had a disgusting ritual.  A ritual I’ve never told anyone before… it was too embarrassing to say outloud.  A couple times a week, I’d drive myself to the grocery store… usually late at night… less people to witness the blob walking down the aisles… and I’d get a cart and fill it full of crap.  Anything with a gallon of lard and sugar… right into my cart.  There were cookies and chips and candy and chocolate and bread and pastries, etc., etc., etc.   I’d go to the self-checkout aisle… less embarrassing than having to load it onto an aisle with a person checker… and I’d buy it.  I’d then take it home and hide it in strategic places in my bedroom… in my closet… under the bed… in the drawers… and I’d eat it all in the space of a few days… then I’d go back to the store and do it all over again.  It was my stash of food to deal with my feelings.  Nobody ever had to know.   My whole paycheck would go to those disgusting jaunts to the grocery store.  At that time, though, I also hated myself… not just my actions… myself… and that’s a pretty dagnabbed big burden to carry on one person’s shoulders.

This past “experiment” week, I had a deja vous experience when I was at the grocery store, shopping for the healthy list items, but instead I walked out of that store with 3 packages of cookies.  It ate at me the rest of the night, those cookies… and I finally couldn’t take the thought of reverting back to my old disgusting ways.  So, I did something I’d never done in those years of ritualing the junk food, I confessed it to my mom and gave her the cookies.  She did what she’s good at and hid them somewhere… I told her it would be most beneficial if she hid them somewhere in the bathroom… ain’t no way in all Oklahoma this germ-a-phobe chic be eating something that’s been sitting in the bathroom…. NOPE!

I’m back at it this week.  I’ve made out my food menus, prepared the meals, and now all I have to do is love myself enough to stick to it.  I think I can do that this week.  I feel like a bloated blimp from last week’s festivities… string me up and call me Good Year!






Filed under Calorizing

20 responses to “The Psychotic Experiment…

  1. Natalie

    Stupid hormones. And old habits don’t define you anymore. You know that. They might still be lurking, but they don’t own you like they used to. It’ll pass again. You had the power to not follow through the whole ritual. Thats power.

  2. Avster

    ~hugs~ We love you, Whit! 🙂

    I’m so glad that you fessed up to the Madré and gave her your cookies (I think you should have mailed them to me. :b ).

    Reading this entry brought to mind a book of fiction that I finished reading a few days ago. The book was about a recovering drug addict. She fractured her ankle and the doctor subrscribed oxysomething for the pain, which was the drug that originally got her hooked. She took the subscription in to be filled and for the next several hours she struggled with herself, but eventually called the drugstore and canceled the order… but not before the drugstore called her mother and told her the prescription was ready… which caused some fireworks until the mother went in and talked to the person who took the cancelation order…
    but in reading your entry it made me realize that any addiction that consumes a person is serious and can be just as deadly as being addicted to drugs…

    So… I don’t know what I’m trying to get at… probably nothing, other than thanking you for pointing it out to me and giving me some uhh… food for thought. (No pun intended.)


    • Awww… thanks Avy Lou Who… food addiction is definitely like an addiction to things like drugs and alcohol… except the difference being food addicts still need to eat food to live! Stupid food! Get back to me when they invent chocolate-covered alcohol!

  3. dessawade

    I knew you would get back on track Whit! You are not that person of old anymore. You are a NEW person and a happier person. You KNOW you can do it!

  4. kittywampus

    Having bunnies help…How? Whenever i bought cookies I also bought 4 heads of lettuce, pounds of apples & carrots & all sorts of other veggies. The grocery people thought i ate so healthy that the cookies didn’t count. little did they know the truth…

  5. Whit,
    I hear you on the emotional eating realm–definitely a challenge for me as well. Keep up the good work! And on the days it is hard to love yourself, just think about how much we all love you and let that carry you through for a moment or two, until you can do it yourself. You are an inspiration!

  6. jen

    Sorry you had a rough week. Hope this one is better. Kudos to you for confessing about those cookies. You have changed so much. Love you Whit!

  7. Louisa a.k.a. ProudMomToTwo

    I like the pretty pic, Whitney.
    I think you reached a big milestone in your thinking and habits this weekend.
    I am super-duper-schmooper proud of you right now. You didn’t let the buying of the cookies take you to the “numb-dumb eating” of those same cookies. You confessed a problem and admitted you needed help and of course your sweet mother was there to help. You are back on track and doing so great.
    I know each time the kids or my Dh ask me to buy them some sweet snack or make them something ( cookies, cupcakes, marble squares etc ) I always think to myself, “should i make these or not…will they be too tempting for me to have around?”
    The answer is, I can do it. I can have these things around and CHOOSE not to be tempted by them and CHOOSE not to have any. I have surrounded myself with other healthy snacks and can sit next to people eating all those other things and not be tempted. I have the control, not the food.
    All I have to do is think about how those foods make me feel ( heavy-limbed, lethargic, and tired ) and I remember why I am not eating them.
    They aren’t a source of comfort for me anymore. I think that is when I realized I had changed my way of thinking. They cause me more DIScomfort than comfort now and they just aren’t worth it to me.
    I had three chocolate chip cookies on Saturday when my daughter’s friend brought them along on our trip and I did wonder if I would have any adverse effects from eating them. We walked a lot that day and I did make some really good protein and fruit choices that same day. I really didn’t feel any adverse effects and I am happy about that.
    Right here with you sweetie. You are not alone

  8. Adrienne

    You don’t have a new lifestyle. This IS your lifestyle. You’ve made it – you now have a lifestyle, and an old lifestyle. I’m proud of you for breaking the cycle before it spiraled out of control.
    PS – When I started my own ‘new lifestyle’ this year, I realized I was finally losing the one that broke my heart. When that ended, I remember the exact moment when I began eating my feelings. I totally agree with kindergartener-in-tutu: feelings are dumb. 🙂

  9. Susan

    I’m glad you recognized what you were doing and put a stop to it. My sweet tooth does me in more often than not.

  10. Judith

    You make a feed menu? can you show me what that is like? That sounds like something I would want to do, it might help me control myself better.

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