Laying Down the Law… Kicking My Butt Style…

For what it’s worth, in all my lifetime I’ve only ever had 2 issues/problems…

1.  Closet eating…
2.  See issues/problems 3 through 65 billion…

To the untrained eye that would seem like I have 65,000,000,002 issues, but that’s not the case.  As you can plainly see I’ve kindly categorized them into 2 short numbers.  You are welcome.

Back to issue/problem #1… as if I had all day to talk about the other 65 billion… my closet eating started VERY young.  I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about it some on this blog but it was months and months ago and I only ever remember the things I’ve talked about in the last 10 seconds… what was I saying? If you want a refresher course on my reasons for closet eating, check out this post… because I’m too lazy to rehash it.  Historically, when I’m alone, I pig out… because there’s no one there to scold me or give me the “you need to only eat lettuce leaves” stink eye.  I remember vividly wanting the family to leave the house so that I could eat.  At the age of 7 when I was first enrolled in Weight Watchers, I’d ride my bike to the meeting, get weighed, and then hurry and rush home so that I could pig out before anyone else got home (Madre worked at WW and my dad was at church meetings).   It seemed like the only time I could eat guilt-free was when I was all by my lonesome.

I’m 33 years old now, but wouldn’t you know that I still have that same dagblasted urge.  I’m an adult for crying outloud and I still can’t always shake the demons from my childhood past.  Is it habit?  Is the force of closet eating so dang strong I can’t shake it?  Is Donald Trump’s hair real?  Do cows love their lives of grazing and mooing?  So many questions, so little knowledge.  Why am I writing about my childhood demons now?  Because for the next week I will be by my lonesome as the whole fam damly has taken off for Canadian retreats.  I’m a little bitter that I am not with them, but lack of notice to secure a passport and lack of funds means I sit here instead.  In the past, this would be license to drop any form of menu plan and eat when and what I want… mostly fast food… mostly the pizza food group… and anything desserty is a must!  Why?  Because it’s what I know.  Here’s the problem… THAT’S THE LAMEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY ENTIRE LIFETIME, WHIT-WAD!   Because it’s what I know and because it’s habit?  Please shut up before I vomit into my peddle pushers.  Just stop it.  STOP… right now… STOP! IT!  I believe you like to have a convenient excuse to be lame and I believe you’ve come to accept those excuses as legitimate reasons to be lame, but the lameness stops here and now!

So, what’s this coming week going to entail?  Common freaking sense!  You’ve made your menus, the food is in the fridge.  You will stick to your weighing and measuring of food… you will exercise some daily… and you will not revert back to that disgusting practice of yore.  You hear me!?!?  Maybe instead you could use that extra alone time to conquer the Mount Everest that seems to have erupted on the rocking chair in your room.  What do you get when you have limited closet space and limited drawer space due to having 5 different sizes of clothing stuffed in them?  Mt. Everest grows on the rocking chair.  I literally sift through a gigantic pile of clothing taller than I am just to find something to wear.  Someone call Hoarders… except tell them it’s the rocking chair edition!

Question of the Day:  Would you consider yourself a closet eater?  Also, you have my permission to kick my butt, virtually!  




Filed under Childhood, Food

13 responses to “Laying Down the Law… Kicking My Butt Style…

  1. cl2

    Yes–I’m a closet eater, but didn’t become one until?? After I had kids. Even if I’d go buy myself treats when I was younger, I’d always share them with my siblings. Now–try this on for size–I’ve been here in Colorado for 4 weeks as of tomorrow with no car and no way to get to the store without Mike taking me (or walking, which I did for the 5 days he was in Canada–but I was limited on how much I could carry)–and so I’m stuck eating whatever is available to me or what I can purchase with him with me!?!? (Sure, he’d allow me to drive his car, but I’m not up to trying that out right now–I’ll have to drive my car home this week–from Laramie until Ogden, I’ll be okay–traffic???)

    When I get a chance to be alone–I will have some donuts. Actually, I don’t closet eat in front of my kids or ex anymore.

    Good luck this week. Keep us posted. I’m sorry you couldn’t go to Canada.

    • I do not blame you one bit for not wanting to drive just yet!! I am sending you thoughts and prayers for when you have to drive home this week… slow and steady… you’ll totally get here… and probably just in time for the “cold front”. It’s been in the high 90s the last 3 days… tomorrow it will be in the 70s!

  2. Avster

    Sometimes I can be a closet-eater, yup. I think we’re all closet-eaters from time to time. If we only got splinters in our tongue when we were eating the closet perhaps we would learn. 😉

    Whit, you keep forgetting! Your only problem is that you are not left handed.

    If you need to call someone or text someone to distract you if you’re feeling the urge to go hide in the closet feel free to contact me- even if it’s the middle of the night. Who needs sleep anyway?

    • The last time I ate a closet, I forgot the pepper, so it was a little bland! 😛 I think the left-handed thing is the one problem YOU have… I mean seriously! 😛 Thank you for the offer, Avster… I’ll be calling you at 3:30 in the morning just to make sure you are there!

  3. Karen

    My response–how can I help? Do you want to go for a walk? I have a bike I have yet to ride, so you could kick by butt. Holler if I can be there

    • You are sweet, Karen! We should go on a bike ride some time this summer… I’ll get my mom to get hers out too and we can cruise the streets. I’ll even take you on the route with fewer hills!

  4. Louisa

    Question of the Day: Would you consider yourself a closet eater? Also, you have my permission to kick my butt, virtually!

    I have been known to closet eat…yes.
    I used to do that mostly when my Dh & kids would leave the house to go do something I wasn’t up to doing ( like a bike ride ).
    I haven’t done that in quite awhile though. I usually make myself go on that bike ride now whether I feel like it or not. I know I will enjoy it once I get going.

    I think if you are prepared to succeed, Whitney, you will!
    Make the plan, make sure the fridge and pantry are stocked with healthy options
    ( even healthy treats ) and make time for those walks / bike rides.
    Stay focused. You know you can do this.
    You have the control.

    • It’s a dang good thing to have an alternative plan… and the bike ride with the family is a great one! Thank you, Louisa. I’m feeling pretty good so far… One day down. I might cure myself of this yet!

  5. Deanna

    Oh dear Whitney, there is no need for virtual butt kicking. Instead, I offer you my support and understanding. I too am a closet eater. I have recently started reading a book that is helping me understand it. If you are interested in hearing more, drop me a message. I think you would relate to the material as well. I think that you are handling the situation well. The best thing to do is to recognize it and be aware. You’ve already won half the battle. You have a plan and it sounds very good.

    • Hugs to you, Deanna! I am definitely interested in this book you speak of. I will message you on MFP to find out the info. It’s nice to have folks who have been there and know what I’m speaking of.

  6. Phil

    Mostly when there are Oreos in the pantry or or oatmeal raisin cookies in the cookie jar

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