The ratio of ‘squiters to Whitneys up in this here joint is currently 85,000 to 2. No, there are not 2 Whitneys, but the bane of my existence counts as 1 all on it’s own. Basically, spindly creatures who are sucking the blood from my knuckles, I ain’t playing… you got 39 seconds to vacate the premise before I go all World War III with this here Kleenex thinger. If I blog it, it will happen.
It’s summer, which means the crazies bring out their summer gear… and it’s always a big chic out prancing around in something she shouldn’t be wearing. Giving the rest of us a bad name, I tell you what! I see them everywhere, but mostly Walrus World, so it’s definitely not a shock to the system. However, yesterday I was driving down Main Street, minding my hands at the 10 and 2 o’clock positions when what did my wandering eyes behold? A lady, can’t have weighed much less than 300 pounds, pushing a stroller down the street. Totally normal, right? Except that she was wearing hot pink sparkly tulle fashioned into a peacock tail, a hot pink too-small sports bra… and not much else. For those of us who aren’t as fabrically gifted as I, tulle is that fabric they make tutus and wedding veils out of. This chic, all 300 pounds of her, was stuffed into enough hot pink sparkly tulle to cover a very small fairy. It was like Tinkerbell went hog wild at the Chuck-Up-Arama for a year straight and then decided to push a stroller down the Main Street. Oh good gravy… I nearly done run into a big truck in the turning lane all the rubber necking I was doing… and you know I’m ashamed of it, but I did turn around and drove by again… just to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating from water retention bloat.
I’ve decided that it is my duty to inform my extra cuddly people of the proper stroller pushing attire. One idea I thought up was just to fashion a full length mirror into a sandwich board I could wear around town, printing in REALLY big letters on the mirror… TAKE ANOTHER LOOK… YEAH, I THOUGHT SO!!! And then at the bottom… JUST BECAUSE THEY DONE MADE IT IN OUR SIZE, DON’T MEAN WE’LL LOOK GOOD WEARING IT! Then, I could just stand in the aisle at Walrus World and make sneak attacks on the worst offenders. Y’all big chics, you can thank me now for keeping our people classy. One bloated Tinkerbell in sparkly hot pink tulle at a time.
Question of the Day: What is your favorite summer attire? Keep it classy, my peeps! 😛