Hooker Makeup and Screeching!

You know that awkward moment when you show up to church wearing hooker makeup with your skirt tucked neatly into your Spanx?  Hands?  Don’t be shy…  Admitting your shortcomings is the first step in acknowledging your hopeless geekiness.  Learned that one from Tony Robbins… if you don’t know who he is… oh well.  So, no I didn’t actually show up to church wearing hooker makeup with my skirt tucked into my Spanx… but I almost did!  I sang in the 3rd ward Relief Society today, so of course I had to brush my hair and such.  The NERVE!  I took this opportunity to try out my new makeup I bought at Forever 21 a few months back.  Bright ideas… except not really because when you have a deadline and your name is Whitney, new things ain’t gonna fly so much.  I put the new makeup on, but it was really dark and exaggerated… and made me look like a hooker.  Not that I’m practiced in the art of applying hooker makeup, but I’ve seen enough Cops episodes to know the basics.

Step 1:  Look in the mirror, if you can still see your eyes, keep on caking… preferably in hot pink or bright blue.
Step 2:  Make sure it’s uneven and poorly executed.
Step 3:  Stand on the corner.

Easy.  So, then because I looked like a hooker and I was supposed to be presentable enough to stand in front of respectable women to sing, I scrubbed off the hooker look and went more subtle… and then because I still hadn’t done my hair and I was now strapped for time, I put my Spanx on after I’d put my slip and skirt on and thank all that be holy I looked in the mirror before I walked out the door because my skirt was tucked up in my Spanx in the back… and I didn’t realize it until after I’d done my hair, my makeup, my paper route, cleaned the ceiling, and hooked a good 20 minutes on my corner.  Classic Shitney…

That aside, the singing was a song out of my comfort zone, but I’m trying to bust them zones… even if I do break a few eardrums in the process.  The Lord’s Prayer… which I’ve always considered to be an opera-type song.  Not straight opera, but every time I’ve heard the song sung it’s been done by some dude or dudette with a serious set of vibrato-y pipes… oh, and the range in that song is ree-donculous too!  Clear down low to way up high.  Whitney’s range (based on self confidence alone) is approximately 3 notes… and the last time I sung opera it’s because I sat on a porcupine whilst a skunk was spraying in my face.   I apologize to any of the womenfolk who exited the building and ran into a pack of howling dogs.  Instant dog caller, that opera stuff!  Anywho… it happened… I didn’t kill anybody… I had fun… I ran into some old classmates and friends… Thanks for the invite, Rachel E.!  Next time I’ll provide ear plugs!  You can thank me later.

Question of the Day:  What brand of makeup is your favorite?  For serious…

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20 Comments

Filed under Getting A Life

20 responses to “Hooker Makeup and Screeching!

  1. Jen

    I’ve used Mary Kay for many years now. I’ve tried other things and always go back to Mary Kay. It just seems to work better and it is a brand I can trust. I am so glad you looked in the mirror before you left, otherwise that could have been embarrassing.

  2. Natalie

    All right, does this make you feel better? I was being all awesome riding my bike to the store and found out when I got home I had my period in my shorts! Awesome!

  3. We live in the 3rd ward now – and I was pretty bummed when I found out that you sang in RS and I missed it! They called me to be in primary pretty much right off the bat when we moved, so I have yet to go to RS or Sunday School in this ward. I do know some of the 4-5 yr olds – but I have yet to get to know many of the adults. Oh well…

    I don’t use a whole lot of make-up. I have to say I do like Mary Kay foundation. Eye-liner and lipstick/lipgloss is Avon, and for mascara, I switch around. They quit making my favorite mascara years ago and I’ve been looking for another one I like ever since.

    • I did not know you moved into the 3rd ward! I was guessing the 7th ward for some reason! I think they should make a law in all wards that they won’t call the newbies to primary for at least a couple of months… so that you can get acquainted with the adults first! I grew up in the 3rd ward… there are some great folks there!

  4. cl2

    Makeup? I guess that says it all.

  5. Avster

    I don’t recall the last time I heard you with a three-note singing range…

    I go with the natural look. I don’t use any make-up… I’d rather spend my money on something I’d enjoy. 🙂

  6. You sang beautifully, lady! It was wonderful. 🙂 Oh, and I have to admit, I am not much of a hooker makeup fan myself.

    • The check is in the mail… it’s a juicy one too! It was tres cool to see you, Cami! We need to start up the SUcks at Piano Even After 12 Years of Lessons club! I’ll be the president!

  7. Deanna

    Great story! HAHA!!! I guess I don’t have a favorite brand of makeup. I wear Mary Kay most days.

  8. Louisa

    Good thing you double checked the outfit in the mirror, Whitney. That really could have been a most embarrassing moment.

    I use eyeliner everyday and usually a lip gloss. I only use powder and some mascara when we are going out someplace nice. Most of the time I only have on Oil of Olay moisturizer with SPF.
    I don’t like base and heavy makeups and I don’t need them with my complexion.
    Since reaching my 40’s though I have been thinking of going to what Ellen D. uses and getting away from the powder since they say it gets in the creases and makesyou look older. She uses CoverGirl Simply Ageless Concealer and Corrector. Here is the link about it.
    http://www.shape.com/lifestyle/beauty-style/secret-ellen-degeneres-ageless-look

    • I too have heard that about the powdery stuff! I use Covergirl foundation, but it’s more creamy… not liquid… creamy. I’ll have to check out the Ageless stuff sometime!

  9. Susan

    I’ve been a Clinique girl since I started wearing makeup. I’m branching out to other brands, but I always go back to Clinique. I haven’t (intentionally) worn the hooker makeup in quite some time but there were days….

    • LOL!!! I think hooker makeup was pretty much the norm in the 80s and 90s… even if you weren’t a hooker! I know I had some great makeup days in high school! I don’t think I’ve ever tried Clinique…

  10. Adrienne

    I use MAC, but I also have really sensitive skin, and a lot of redness and such to cover up. I happened to catch a great makeup artist on a good day – got a lesson on every day makeup for me, and I still get compliments on the overall look 3 years later. Wait…the same colors, not the same makeup. That would be gross.

    • That’s awesome… not about the fact that you’ve worn the same makeup for 3 years, but the fact that you have colors that work for you. What are those colors if you don’t mind sharing. Obviously, the hooker look of bright pink is off my list!

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