I call them rubberbands… because they are. What the helium balloon am I talking about? SWIMSUITS! Some of you may remember my vow to become a mini triathlete… which included the dreaded swimming portion of the skill. Not only do I have to subject myself to people peeing in the pool and spitting and germing it up all over the place, I also have to bravely go where no fat woman has gone before. Okay, I lied. Plenty of fat woman have gone the unflattering swimming suit route… just not this one. Why has it taken me so long to venture to a pool? I’m totally dragging my feet. I’ve been really great at getting in my walrgging (walking plus jogging like a walrus) and my bike rides. In fact, I’m totes ready in both of those skillz. I think I’ll do both on the same day this weekend (if I don’t die from heat first) and see how I fair. But, the swimming… eh… I still haven’t found a hygienified pool acceptable enough to hold my flab cakes… or maybe I don’t want to.
Enough was enough, I went shopping this past Saturdee for some pool-wearing attire… if it killed me. First stop was ShopKo… whose dressing rooms were the temperature of the Sahara Desert. I ain’t joking around. The air conditioning did NOT work in that portion of the store. I found the biggest variety of swim attire at this store… but I just gotta say… whomever invented a one-piece swimsuit never saw me before. And that wasn’t just because I smacked myself in the face on several occasions pulling the rubberbandy material stuff up. It was also very kind of them to include a piece of tape in the crotch portion as the “hygiene guard.” FOR SERIOUS!?!?! A piece of tape is going to hygienically keep me from getting a disease? Stop it and invent something that works. A shield of metal might be a better idea… even if I know you’re supposed to keep the underroos on when trying on a suit.
Needless to say, I looked hideous in everything. Maybe I should have tried them on blindfolded. It would have saved a lot of grief! I did find a couple of things that “might” work… shorts and a swim top that wasn’t as annoying as the one pieces… but I didn’t like the colors or the look. Sue me… I’m totes the daughter of a fashionista! Next store was Wal-Mart… NOTHING… moving on. Actually, I did find a couple of short/shirt combos that could work, but the fabric felt too flimsy. Smith’s Marketplace… more NOTHING. They had a lot of sling shot/rubberband bikinis in my size though. QUIT IT, people who invent bikinis for 290-some-odd pound chics! Just quit it! I did find me some flip flops here, though… another thing I don’t wear because you can’t wear socks with them… unless you’re my dad… 😛 Hi dad!
I went home at this point and moped on the couch for an hour… swimsuit shopping does not instill any self confidence boosting agents… it just doesn’t. Later, I ventured to Old Navy where I tried on and bought about 2 different possible swim outfits. Shorts and a tanktop made out of the dri-weave stuff. It was even better that I brought my purchases up to be checked out by a long lost classmate… and of course I couldn’t explain why I was buying such ugly/nekked-looking clothing. I’m sure she thought I’d lost my marbles. I just told her to wave next time she drove by my street corner. That oughta explain it all!
Question of the Day: When is the last time you went swimsuit shopping? Any luck?