I read this article sometime before Thanksgiving whilst trying to find some fresh ammunition to get my butt back into the groove of eating less craptastically. It hasn’t worked yet, but I aim to drill it into my noggin with my trusty Black and Decker drill bit. Anyone ever tried drill therapy? Drill a hole through your tongue and you’ll never want to eat again?
The article contained 10 Ridiculous Things “Die”ters Say… and since I’m never in my lifetime ever going on another “die”t even with a drilled hole in my tongue, I changed it to 10 Ridiculous Things Calorizers Say… there… psyche quelled. My plan in this post is to list each individual item in bold, and then make snarktastic comments to the side of them. You are welcome.
1- “If I exercise enough I can eat what I want.” I’ve learned that this weight loss thing is approximately 90% what and how much you eat and 10% exercise. If you’re eating fast food 3 times a day and exercising 30 minutes a day… you’re going to gain weight. Exercise is beneficial for a healthy body/heart/mind, all that good stuff, but it doesn’t do a thing if you’re not throwing in the eating properly thing too.
2- “I don’t drink soda. Only juice, tea, and lemonade.” I’m adding “all things in moderation” to this here point. Lighten up, Fitbie… geez! Drinking anything aside from water is going to be empty calories and those empty calories can add up fast… so by the end of the day you’re left wanting to chew something. I’ve never been into shakes and smoothies and the like for that very reason. I don’t feel like I’ve eaten anything unless I’m chewing.
3 – “I avoid potatoes because they’re fattening.” SACRILEGE!!!! I’m from Idaho… take that back! I don’t care if 10 years down the road they discover potatoes cause zits and oily pores… I’m a gonna be baking and eating and mashing my taters until they throw me 6-feet down. The only fattening potato is the french-fried one and/or the one you put 10 pounds of butter and a container of Sour Cream on… and come on… that had to be obvious.
4 – “I never eat after 7 PM.” THANK YOU!! I always got frustrated with the nutritionist/dieticians who told me I needed to close my mouth and my kitchen after 6:30. I can’t work like that because when someone tells me I can’t do something, I’m going to be obsessing over it until I do it anyway. All things in moderation… chillax!
5 – “I eat the organic chips, which are healthier.” ALL THINGS IN MODERATION! Again, grow some frijoles, Fitbie! (yes I’m aware that I just told them to grow some beans). Of course organic does not automatically mean healthy… it just means they grew the stuff in cow doo instead of with chemicals and pesticides and stuff. Somehow the cow doo sounds less appetizing, but I’ll take your word for it, people of the Earth.
6 – “I already blew my diet and ate a piece of cake. Might as well eat the rest of it.” Oh boy… they must have heard me talking like pretty much every day the last few weeks. My favorite is… I’ll start again tomorrow… which inevitably has turned into 3 months later and I’m about to say it again. Disgrosting behavior, Whitnit!
7 – “No water for me today—I don’t want to look bloated at the party tonight.” I have never in my lifetime ever uttered such ridiculousness. PUH-LEASE, Twiggy and Mary Kate Olsen! Firstly, I never go to parties… and secondly, water is the nectar of the smart people!
8 – “I can’t eat eggs, they’re bad for me!” Oh, shoot me now… I eat eggs several times a week… it’s one of my main sources of protein. Most times it’s the egg white/egg beater form, but I do regularly eat whole eggs too. Don’t offend the chickens… eat eggs!
9 – “If I eat breakfast, I’ll keep eating all day” Durrrrrrrrrrrrrr… another one from Twiggy, I suppose. Eat breakfast and be Merry for tomorrow you can eat it again. Eating breakfast is a smart thing for your blood sugar and your metabolism.
10 – “I ate a triple hamburger and large shake today, but that never happens.” And your point is? ALL THINGS IN MODERATION! I suppose if I were to use the all things in moderation mantra on this one, it wouldn’t be a triple burger but a single and the large shake would become a small… and it wouldn’t be a daily occurrence, but a once-in-a-while one. Be smart about it… and LIGHTEN UP!!
Question of the Day: Which of these phrases are you most famous for saying? Which do you have mastered?
This here is Marvin… he was a nice visitor and all until he attempted to eat my camera. Nice try, Marvin!