So, I’m sitting here, as people do, wondering who the crap dropped the ball on that one! Rubber Hand Woman as a comic superhero is like the most fantastic idea since plastic ovenware… said no one ever! That’s what I’m calling myself. The cast came off on Thursday but my right hand feels like it’s not a part of me yet. It’s like some creepy imposter rubber thing that hangs out like a limp dishrag and yells at me when I move it the wrong way… why I oughta! Who’s the boss up in this here joint… get to hopping! Turns out, my expectations of what I’d be able to do with my hand/wrist/arm IMMEDIATELY sans cast were like a pipe dream. I thought I Dream Of Jeannie would grant me my wish of getting back my gig in the circus that entailed me walking on my hands uphill both ways with no pants or socks on. (That may have been lost in translation!) Instead I have to be content with range of motion of 2 degrees and a side of osteoporosis! The doctor was telling me how one gets osteoporosis when their joint is immobile for a long period of time but I was zoning out trying to figure out which gloves would look best at my new circus gig. He was telling me some story about how astronauts lose calcium and get osteoporosis if they are in space too long… blah, blah, blah, blah… where’s my cookie!?
The good news… or so he says… if I go to physical therapy and eat my Viactiv calcium chews (which are masquerading as chocolate but more taste like a piece of tar with cocoa powder sprinkled in it) then I could get my range of motion back. The whole weekend I played with my thera-putty (aka silly putty for old crippled people) and practiced trying to force my wrist to bend further than it wanted (which at this point is negative 1 degree). Today, my arm yelled at me and grounded me for a good year! PATIENCE!!!! Physical therapy begins tomorrow morning and I plan on asking them if they have a nice rubber foot I could purchase to match my hand… Because this just done be weird and stuff!
My new joint… which comes off for showering… THANK ALL THAT BE HOLY said every last garbage bag/duct tape maker! I asked if they had it in the color putrid orange like the 70s because I do like to stand out even further than I already do, but unfortunately I forgot my time travel machine and disco died years ago!
Hoarfrost is pretty… but it would be prettier if it would appear in 70-something-degree weather! Get on that!
QUESTION OF THE DAY: If you could choose your ideal outdoor temperature, what would it be?
PS – Thank you all for the great insurance fighting advice. I think I’ve finally finagled Progressive to pay their share of $3000… now to hope that BCBS behaves and ponies up for their portion so I can have the rest of my debt to pay. I’m itching to give away this money I don’t have… BRING IT!