Totally stole my title from the classy Urkel… you know… he of the 1990’s TGIF line-up? Geek extraordinaire? In a way (scratch that EVERY WAY) I’m just like Urkel… geeky… fashion unsavvy… did I mention geeky? Oh, and also, I do a lot of stupid stuff. All for the sake of living up to my inner/outer geekitude. Here are a few of the stupids of this week… I said WEEK… not months… not years… WEEK!
I’m picky when it comes to bananas. I love a banana, but only if it’s greenish yellow on the outside. As soon as it hits the stage where it starts to develop brown spotting… no thank you. PASS! Chuck it under the couch, Fredrick (Madre… that never happened… except once when I was 8 and Lindsay made me do it). I also only like going to the grocery store once a week and my grocery store day is ALWAYS on Saturday. So, when I have bananas on my carefully-planned-out weekly menu, my banana pickiness ends up kickin me in the patookus. By Wednesday, the spotted-brown bananas are donated to the banana bread fund because I’m sweet like that. This week, I thought I came up with a GENIUS idea. What if I were to put some bananas in the freezer! STOP THE MADNESS, BILL NYE! Freezing food is supposed to freeze it’s rotting process, right? So, on Sunday night I chucked 3 bananas into the freezer and went to sleep dreaming of all the Nobel Banana prizes I was sure to win come Friday and I still had a greenish-yellowish banana to eat. One tiny detail I did not take into account… if you freeze the banana with the peel on… you ain’t gonna be peeling any bananas until the thing has melted… believe me, I tried sawing, cutting, whapping against the brick outside, etc., etc., etc. By the time the bananas had melted, the skin was completely dark black and the bananas inside were so water logged, I could have stuck a straw in through the skin and sucked it out. BRILLIANCE SHATTERED!!
Next up… I have a hard time saying no to salespeople. That’s why I have to avoid going into stores where they pressure you into buying things… because I’ll buy it. Don’t matter what it is or how much it costs. Consider me that chic walking through the doors with a big ole “ALREADY SOLD TO STOOP-ID” sign taped to my forehead. On Saturday, I was in Sam’s Club making my weekly fresh produce stash and dash purchases when I was stopped by this chic who immediately started slapping face wash onto the inside of my wrist and showing me how much dead skin she could bring up with just a few circular swipes. Welp… bought that set of face wash/lotion… 41 bucks down the tube. As I was leaving with my bag in hand, she was all like… Wait… you didn’t get our free handwashing demo. Whitney and handwashing are like best friends. I almost died after I broke my wrist and couldn’t wash my hands properly for months… DIED, I tell you (overdramatic?… NEVER!!!!). So, of course I turned around and had her wash my hands for me… lotion, nail buffing, and some information about Dead Sea salts later, I also bought the hand set… 60 bucks. In the future, I’m just going to wear a sandwich board any time I venture out. It has to say something like, Pitbull lives inside of me. That oughta buy me some escaping time.
Finally, tonight I had my marathon cooking session for the upcoming week. One of the recipes called for a jalapeno pepper. Y’all dudes… they have jalapeno peppers sitting right out at the Subway sandwich shop… what’s the digdabbed big deal!? I got amnesia or something as well because my mom and dad are fond of telling and retelling the story of the time my mom made salsa without rubber gloves, got the pepper juice in her eyes, so ran to the bathroom screaming and wiped her hands and face on the towel in there. Fast forward to later that night when my dad took a shower and dried off with that same towel, screaming and cursing ensued… stupid peppers anyway.
So, here I am all… amnesified, yanking out the jalapeno seeds and membranes with my bare hands like I’m performing an emergency calf birthing session. Three seconds later my throat feels all tight and scratchy and I can’t quit coughing… then my hands start burning and a rash is forming all over my fingers. The first thing I think to do is wash my hands… that’s the answer to everything… NEGATIVE!! Hot water only made it worse and I was about to crawl into the freezer when my fingers started swelling up… OH THE HUMANITY!!!! I sat with a bag of ice on my hands for a couple of hours… and the swelling went down, but even now as I type, the fingers are still slightly burning and I am not allowed to wash my hands with hot water unless I’m in the mood to punish myself for being so dagcrabbed stupid!
Did I do that? I’m afraid I did… please call the white coat people.
Question of the Day: Are you a fan of jalapenos? How do you like your bananas?