Carpetbagging It…

I just spent 5 minutes trying to pick up a huge spider!!!!!!  Except every time I’d get my armoured car of Kleenex material down to pick it up, I’d think I’d picked it up but then when I stood up it would still be there staring at me from the carpet, all black and huge-mongous… the size of my head.  I kept picking at it for a good 5 minutes… and then I put my glasses on and realized I was picking at the shadow of a frayed piece of carpet.  Not only do I have horrible eyesight glasses-less, I’m also a hallucinating methamphetamine patient.  Stupid shadows of invisible spiders.  All that girly squealing was unnecessary… sorry neighbors.   Meanwhile… is anybody else experiencing a deluge of nasty black beetles in their house this year?  Just me?  Because I swear I pick up a good 20 beetles PER DAY… and it’s getting to the point where I think I should collect them and drop them in a chocolate fondue pot and then sell them to the nature survivalists as a dessert-y protein crunch.  I’d have my own dagnabbed side buisness.   So gross!!

This afternoon, I decided to drive around and pick a random country road and annoy the neighbors by walking down it.  I do that every so often to get some new scenery.  This one I’d walked down in the past, a couple of years ago, so I knew that it was a very narrow, windy road that eventually turned into a dirt road on the edge of civilization.  I parked Beulah the Bird-Turded Buick in some overgrown weeds on the side of the road next to a dead muskrat who smelled something fierce (Secret… strong enough for a muskrat, pH balanced for a gopher) and then I began walking down the road.  I was wearing my purse because it had my phone in it, just in case I got accosted by the relatives of said dead muskrat.  So, I probably looked really out of place walking down this road and though I thought it would be a relatively quiet, car-less road, there were quite a few cars who drove down the road whilst I was walking it, each would slow down to pass me (the road was very very narrow) and also probably to wonder what the heck I was doing walking down their road!

One car in particular slowed wayyyy down to pass me… it was eery like whomever was in the car was going to arrest me for invasion of alien lands, so I kept my head down and kept on walking.  The car eventually passed me by, and I went on my merry way.  About 5 minutes later, that same car came driving back, this time towards me, and I got all nervous again because it slowed down and the lady in the car was gawking at me like I was a cow-tipping suspect.  But you durn near got you a chocolate milkshake, Merle!  She passed me slowly, brought her car to a complete stop, backed the car up, and rolled her window down.  At this point I’m thinking my dream to be on 48 Hours: Mystery may come true, except as the dead person instead of the talking alive person.   I stopped walking at this point… DUHHHHH… RUN FOR THE HILLS… and walked over to her window as she was motioning for me to come over.

Possible Murder Suspect (PMS):  Is that your Buick about 2 miles back?  
Carpetbagger Whitney (CW):  Yes… I’m sorry… should I not have parked there?
PMS:  Oh no… It just looked like it might have broken down.  
CW:  Oh no… I’m just walking.
PMS:  Do you need a phone?  I live down the road, you can borrow the phone at my house.
CW:  Oh, that’s so sweet of you.  I’m fine.  I’m just walking.  

At this point she was looking at me like I had bull horns sprouting out my head.  Apparently I was the equivalent of a Japanese tourist on that road.  Three-hundred-plus pounds, looking like I ain’t done never walked a day in my life, carrying a purse and a camera.

I’m thankful that she was willing to help… unless she was really trying to drop the hint that I should get the heck off of her road!  But it made me laugh… Carpetbagging Whitney… soon to hit your neighborhood… watch out!

PS –  Thank you to my favorite sweetest Plunger Fairies (hi Audrey and Karen) for the basket full of fun (a beautiful hand-woven basket, a darling owlie, a gift card to my favorite grocery store, Kleenex, and a pad of paper).  You didn’t need to and you shouldn’t have, but I’ll shut up and appreciate what kind women you are!   Hugs sent your way!









Filed under Exercise, Life

3 responses to “Carpetbagging It…

  1. Avster

    You can walk down my neighborhood! I will stalk you to your hearts content. 😀

  2. What a nice lady to offer you help. There are still really good people in the world. I’m glad you weren’t going to end up on 48 hours.

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