The Magpie Massacre… aka My Life Has Gone To the Birds…

Birds… birds, birds, birds, birds… and more dagnabbed birds.  BIRDS!  My car out in the driveway always looks like several Magpies painted it with turd hoppers… the other half looks like a cross between a deer hunting camo and the last prize winner at the Demolition Derby.  Before I wax even more poetical about things no one cares about, allow me to get to the point.  It just so happens to be the time of the year where the young flocklings nest in Whitney’s window well, cause a ruckus and keep me awake for 12 years, and then eventually end up dead somewhere due to some predatory animal or George of the Feral Jungle Cat.  I refuse to think Lucy-Fur could ever be so cruel… Lucy-Fur!  Stop it!  The other night (aka really early morning), whilst I was trying to do some homework, I heard a thud against my window and then very near-by chirping noises.  I didn’t even have to turn the light on… I knew what it was.  This happens on a yearly basis just as the robin eggs hatch and the newly-winged robinettes (or owlettes or magpie-lettes, etc., etc.) learn to fly.  Kentucky and Fried showed up as if on cue…

Oh, Kentucky and Fried… I barely knew ye.  I learned from friend Audrey that friend Karen was a fan of the bird friends, so we texted Karen to see if she had any ideas on how to keep these precious suckers alive for more than 12 seconds.   You ought to know that Karen would pull off her right arm if you needed one, so of course she shows up on the doorstep at around 6:00 with the North Logan animal control officer.  They were like the magical team of bird refuge savers… except with less bird doo on their persons.  Nice Mr. Animal Control dude gently removed the little fellers from the window with a long net and set them near the tree that their parent birds were dive-bombing.

The National Society of Bird Refugeers From Random Window Wells of People Named Knit-Whit.  They certainly saved my future night’s of sleep and gave me a bit of peace of mind that the little fellers would still go on living.  Magpie DooDoo Central be durned!   Peace of mind, that is, until that very night/early morning when I once again heard that ever-familiar thud followed by incessant chirping noises…

This time only Fried returned… and what do you know, he still couldn’t manage to fly himself out of my window well.  Night 2 of sleeplessness.  This time I made my dad fish him out with a fishing net (who do I look like… someone who would risk getting the bird flu by getting them out myself!?!?!?  As if!)  And wouldn’t you know, he’d returned to the same danged window well the next evening.  I’m thinking Fried is some sort of Urkel of the bird population… except without suspenders and a snorting chirp.  THE HUMANITY!?!?!?  The charade went on until it was discovered on Saturday that there was a non-alive version of Fried sitting out on the lawn.  Let us all take a moment of silence to mourn for dear Kentucky and Fried.  When they say “Feed the Birds, tuppence a bag,” I really think they were talking about lunch for The Society of the Magpie Massacre-ists. Until next year, robinettes… in the meantime… I’m getting out of the bird business.  Anyone have a BB Gun I could borrow?  I have a Magpie Society Meeting to attend manana.


Because friends, Karen and Audrey are basically the sweetest, they also dropped off a gift for me…

I was verklempt… but in the best way possible.  What a thoughtful gift that I will look at with fondness for years to come.  Thank you, sweet ladies!  I sure am lucky to have such great people in my life!


Filed under Life, Mary Poppins

13 responses to “The Magpie Massacre… aka My Life Has Gone To the Birds…

  1. Avster

    I think it’s time to invest in a window well cover, Whit. Simple solution for a sleep-filled night. 😉

  2. What a great friend Karen is! Beautiful gift from Audrey and Karen. Lucky to have such awesome people in the neighborhood!

  3. Alena

    Eek! Gives me the heeby-jeebies having baby birds thumping against the window. Did you try sprinkling yourself with bread crumbs and singing them out of the window well? Good practice for the play 🙂

  4. cl2

    I have so many bird stories. I have a magpie next in my large tree out front and a magpie nest in one of the large trees out back. They squawk all day and all night. They are right now. When I was weeding the other day, one sat on the fence and taunted me. I kept throwing weeds at it. A large robin flew into my sliders a few months ago. It lay there on the patio staring at me. I was freaking out, trying to work. My ex said to hit it with a shovel. No way I was doing that. My daughter called a neighbor and he came over. Just as he walked into the backyard, The bird got up and flew off (about 20 minutes later). The neighbor said he must have heard us talking about hitting it with a shovel. Also, I have these little marshmallow looking stones in my backyard. I keep them because I didn’t know if they were something someone lost. Seems the neighbors put these in their window wells and the magpies get in their window wells and steal them. Anyway, we put netting across our window wells because the neighbors’ cats like to use them for a littler box. It keeps the birds out, too. It is wire netting, stiff and not something they can break.Sorry so long. Oh, the magpies used to like to land on our roof, but we put on a metal roof and they slide off. I get a big kick out of that.

  5. Dessa

    If it weren’t for our birds we would have a very boring life:) Beautiful picture from two beautiful ladies.

  6. I agree with Dessa. You always have an exciting story to tell. I guess that’s better than being bored.

  7. I agree with avster too

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