“Leap” Of Faith…

Happy Leap Year Day!  I’d normally hate an extra day in the winter months, but the weather is looking fairly decent with a high of 41 degrees, so I’ll shut up about it this time.  Take note of that Leap Year 4 years from now.

I saw the movie, Race yesterday.  It’s a true story based on the African American track athlete, Jesse Owens, who had to survive being a talented black athlete in 1930s American idiocy and also survive being a black athlete at the 1936 Berlin Olympics with the Hitler regime horror of horrors.  He had obstacles put on him from every angle, and yet he rose to every occasion… shut them all up… put his head down and pushed his way to glory.  What got to me most was his ability to tune out everything… all of the negative hate-filled people who were nothing more than noise and distraction… to get to his ultimate goal of greatness.  It was a great flick.  I’d recommend it.

It got me thinking about my worst enemy of all time… myself.  That enemy seems to be working overtime of late… hacking away at every moment of pride and self-worth I’ve ever tried to let myself feel.  It’s leaps and bounds away from what people like Jesse Owens went through on a daily basis, but it’s my reality and my life, so it’s something I take seriously.

It’s no secret that I’ve not maintained the weight I so diligently worked at for years.  In fact I’ve gained… a lot.  Not original highest weight a lot, I’m still quite a ways from that sphere of gross numbers, but give me a few years at this pace, and I’ll be back there and have surpassed that number for a new record.  I have nothing but disdain for my inability to squash my addiction.  It’s an all-consuming thing, food.  All-consuming!  If I’m not eating it, I’m thinking about it… if I’m not thinking about it, I’m usually stuffing down some emotion with it.  It’s something that I’m ashamed of and something I wish to all things holy, I could get rid of for good.  It takes a lot for me to stay in this “land of numbness” because numbness is so much easier to deal with than actually having to feel things, and it’s both sides of the feelings, the positive and the negative feelings, all intermixed into one big ball of NUMB!

I really have no idea what this post is about other than to say, I need to learn to tune out Whitney’s brain.  It’d be a lot easier if brain transplant surgery was a real thing so that I could borrow some health nut’s brain for a year or two.  I’d promise to return it just in time for swimsuit season.

***

This post is depressing, so here’s some Baby BoBo and Brover E time cuteness:

Hi… I wearing my new swimmy suit:

 

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16 Comments

Filed under Emotional Eating, Uncategorized

16 responses to ““Leap” Of Faith…

  1. Kim

    I’m with you! This food addiction runs my life too! I feel like this always there trying to sabotage any progress I make. 😔

  2. I hear you, Whitney! I am always eating my emotions–have been all of my life. I just bought (and have not read yet) two books about exactly that. I have plenty of external emotions, they just tend to be short-lived and then I start to stuff my face and maintain a calm exterior while mainlining Cheetos. At one point, I had lost 92 pounds and was within spittin’ distance, spittin’ distance I tell ya, of being under 200 for the first time in over 30 years. Yea, then 2 knee replacements, 3 deaths, and a back surgery got me here back to having lost about 15 pounds. I hate it! Can’t we all just not be broken in the head?

  3. KK

    Ooh, a ski lift. Was that fun? 😉

  4. Louisa

    I hear ya, Whitney!
    I was right there with you on MFP when we were losing that weight and feeling so empowered.
    It’s sad to say that I am right right there with you in the gaining department and numbness too.
    My husband and I went through a real rocky patch for all of 2015 and mindless eating and comforting myself with food is how I coped. Should I have been outside working it off – YES.
    Was I ? Nope, I reverted right back to my bad habits.
    I wanted so bad to have off a big chunk of the weight by now. My daughter graduates high school in 6wks and I wanted to look awesome for all the video and pictures. I am disappointed in myself because I will look like a whale instead.
    I love the picture of the ski slope. I remember well that young and skinny me that would tear down one of those on a snowboard in a heartbeat.
    Ahh…those were the days…

    • 😦 I’m sorry to hear you and your husband had such a rough year. I can only imagine how stressful that can be and you turned to what you knew at the time. Hang in, sweet lady. We can do this because we’ve done it before.

  5. Karen Smith

    We need to mix you and me up and come up with a happy medium. When I struggle with self worth I can not eat! I see the Whitney that is so kind and thoughtful with a smile and compliment for everyone. Love you, Whitney, just the way you are.

    • You are sweet, Karen… I needed to hear that. Thank you. A hybrid between our behaviors would be totally ideal! I’ll work on that in my lab! Hang in, sweet lady.

  6. cl2

    This past year has been eat worthy and I made up for it in January with chips and dip endlessly and gained. I haven’t been on my own scales, just doctor’s with clothes, coat, boots, just to hide the reality. Thing is, I got myself much healthier diabetes wise and what did it do? Made me gain weight. Doctor said my body is using sugar correctly now. Oh goody. So I can be depressed and have my blood sugars under control. Sounds like a bad tradeoff to me. I won’t allow myself to go back to what I used to be. Still not where I’d like to be, but no way I’m going back THERE. Something I’ve found for myself is going to get fast food for lunch and not having food around the house helps me, which goes against everything they tell you to do. I finally let my daughter post a picture of me on fb back in December. That’s a shock to everyone who knows me. Winter is pretty much over now! Now I need to concentrate on getting weight off one of my dogs. I’ll probably do better helping him than helping myself.

    • Where the heck do we buy one of those Staples Easy buttons!?!?!? It’s crazy how we can have such good runs and then all of a sudden we’re right back to where we started. Hang in… we can do it!

  7. Alena

    I hear ya, girlfriend! Eating is so much better than feeling! And seriously, all I think about is food, (or sleep). Why is it so hard to form new habits, and so easy to revert to our old bad ones?! I think it would be easier without winter, don’t you? Maybe we should just move to Hawaii… I’m sure we’d be happy with just ice water there. That movie sounds really good–I’ll have to watch it. Thanks for sharing the happy BoBo pictures and blue skies! Last day of February, my friend–it’s March tomorrow–Yippee!!!

    • That is why we are kindreds, friend. I think you are right about Hawaii and all us wanting are ice waters… well, until we pass by one of those shaved ice shacks with the coconut milk in it… or the pastry barn… but really, we should just leave our money at home and eat bark and leaves all month! Let’s root each other on in March… HALLELUJAH it’s finally March!

  8. Dessa

    It’s SO DANG HARD, but you’ve done it before Whitney so I know you have it in you.

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