Category Archives: Food

Lard-abration…

I’ve decided that no matter how hard I try, I will forever have stuck in my head the notion that food is linked with celebrations and fun.  I mean, it’s a national passtime for our whole country really.  What’s the most important thing about a get together/party?  The food.  What do we have to serve to get people to come to a wedding and bring a gift that doesn’t contain a lump of coal?  Uh… cactus?  Negatory… food.  Everything and their mother revolves around what we’re going to eat.  I guess that makes sense on a lot of levels.  I mean, we have to eat to live right?  We eat several times a day… as my grandma used to say at breakfast… What are we eating for dinner dear?  

But, we’ve even taken that to a new level.  Somehow I get into my tightly wound noggin that some occasions should be free for alls.  Throw out every single thing you’ve ever learned about moderation in all things and eat the entire cruise ship whilst on vacation.  I think that was the Titanic’s problem… some person ate a chunk out of the floor boards when they ran out of waffles at the buffet.  It’s like a right for me to order the most unhealthy thing on the menu because I’m on a birthday weekend getaway extravaganza of lard sauce.  Sure it’s okay to indulge here and there.  I think it’s really unhealthy if we don’t do that.  There needs to be a healthy relationship between a person and their food, and I don’t think constantly restricting certain food items is going to do the job long term.

Miss Vague-y Titanic Floor Boards is on her Vaguey rants again.  What does this all mean?  It means I’m sorting out in my brain the best way to deal with such problems in the future.  This past weekend I went to Midway, Utah for my annual birthday trip (apparently I’m celebrating all month since it’s not my birthday yet).  Usually during my annual birthday trip I give myself permission to not count a single calorie and just enjoy myself.  I think that’s reasonable… but then I went and decided I was joining the Lard Sauce Convention and took it to another Lard-abration Level purposely ordering the lardiest item on the menu because I dagnabbed deserved it instead of being reasonable and choosing one of the healthier options.  Oh learning curves… you rarely work with food.

I think it’s safe to say I blame Ronald McDonald for all of these problems.  Him and his flouncy unnaturally red hair and floppy shoes.  Big Mac my rear patookus!

Uhhhh… where do I buy the carb seed and why did I not know these existed?  Also, I’m pretty sure when I start planting carb seeds my black thumb will automatically be turning green!  CARBS!

Totally my spirit animal.  CARBS!!

In case you were wondering… this family exists.  Giganturan and Teeny.

This is what happens to Plumpy the Penguin after a long night of drinking…

At least he thought to take his hat off first.

T

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Mac And Cheese, Please…

I have that idiotic Christmas song from Biebster Fever playing on a loop in my noggin space.  I am going to go insane!  You know the one about the mistletoe and shawties hanging out underneath it?  Oh, the humanity!!!!  Not that I’m not already insane.  Why, just last week I went on a walk only to discover that I’d grabbed a pair of fluffy socks out of my drawer instead of the intended gloves… so, I wandered the streets for 45 minutes wearing socks on my hands.  You are welcome, psychiatrists who want my business!

Here are a couple of the dishes I just about died over last week…

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This here is my favorite invention.  You take a can of no-salt-added diced tomatoes and mix it with a can of no-salt-added corn (drained) and no-salt-added pinto beans (drained).  Then, you liberally sprinkle cumin and chili powder, mix it up, throw it on a pita or a flat bread or whatever flips your dress in the air, and warm it up in the micro-oven…. Of course, no dish of mine would be complete without grape tomaters since I have an illness that requires me to eat them daily… shut up… it’s true…  Yummerified!

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This was literally one of the best makeover,  lightened-up Mac & Cheese recipes I’d ever eaten.  It had so much flavor and it was gooey delicified!  I doctored it up because I don’t use Velveeta cheese spread (and instead used Velveeta shreds I found in the shredded cheese section).  Depending on how big the serving, this clocked in at between 350 and 450 calories… and was calorizing well spent!  For some reason, I enjoy eating peas with mac and cheese… most times I just stir them together and call it a smorgasboard… Mac and Peas with Cheese, Please!

Question of the Day:  Do you like macaroni and cheese?  Any favorite recipes? 

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3.14…

This will be on the quiz, y’all people who are in 2nd grade… PIE!  Madre found a coupon for a Kitchen Kneads cooking class, buy 1 get 1 free… and she soooo wanted to go to the pie making class.  Even though she’s already a famous pie maker… and by famous I mean familially famous.  I decided I would tag along because what says Thanksgiving more than Pie!?!?  Shush, you turkey people!  The chances of me ever having the desire to make a pie are pretty much negative 8 trillion and 45.  It just makes me want to marathon the series “Watching Paint Dry” for the millionth time thinking of all the crust -making steps (side note… there is no official series named “Watching Paint Dry,” but I do it regularly via a place called the wall in my room.)  The freezer section has pies… what’s the point!?

So, we went to the class.  The teacher was a lady who is the head pastry chef up at Deer Valley Resort in Park City, Utah… pretty much this fancy pancy place where rich people congregate and point and stare at the chic who can’t figure out why there are 13 forks next to her place setting.  Needless to say, I do better with plastic silverware at the taco joint.

Letty Flatt is her name and pastry making is her game.  On the menu for this particular class was 3 different items… the first was a Cranberry Pear Torte… SHUT THE FRONT DOOR, REGIS PHILBIN was that thing deliciousfull!

This isn’t the actual torte… I found this online because I was once again too embarrassed to stand up in the middle of the class and start taking pictures.  Let me preface this by saying, I’m not a huge pear fan.  I don’t like the gritty texture of a pear. but the combination of these flavors was dee-vine… oh Holy Night!  All she did was halve the pears, soak them in some briney thing with ginger, and put them in a circular fashion on the crust.  Easy and tastee!

Next up was a Maple Galette with an almond crust.  I can’t find a picture of that one, but it’s one of those baked custardy-type desserts… I call them contained mucusy phlegm.  It was delicious as well… despite my word painting of idiocy!

Last, but not least, a Letty Flatt invention… Orange-Pumpkin-Chocolate Pie.  Sounds disgusting right?  WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I thought it would be gross!  Who puts orange flavor with pumpkin flavor with chocolate!  That there is a sin to the chocolate people!  But it tasted like I was eating warmed up chocolate-covered orange sticks in a crust with pumpkin pie.  Does anyone know those jelly orange sticks covered in chocolate that are pretty much the best thing in the universe!?

Despite the class ending up being almost 3 hours long… (GILLIGAN!?!?!?!), it was worth it to finally get to taste test the things at the end of it all.  There were 2 older ladies sitting in front of us who were not fans of any of the pies and kept muttering about it under their breath, but I think it’s because the pie flavors were too new fangled dangled… where’s the apple pie, lady!!  Good Grief!  Sincerely, The Senior Citizen Brigade.

Question of the Day:  Do you have a favorite flavor of pie?  Do you make your own pies?  

HAPPY TURKEY-GIVING Y’ALL USA-ITES!  Because it is a national holiday tomorrow and national trample-the-weak-folk-in-a-store day on Friday, I will not be blogging Thursday and Friday… but should return on Monday to get week 3’s accountability for Operation:  No More FatMas!  Don’t y’all forget about it.   Enjoy the holiday and I’ll see you on the other side!

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Food….

Here I am about to use that lame-wad word again… FOOD… I already mentioned I hate the sound of that word.  It’s so off-putting to my ear holes.  It’s like the words moist or jujubees.   A few of last week’s delectables:

Pumpkin Banana Muffins!  So, you have pumpkin and then you have bananas and they get married and become a muffin!  Sigh… so romantic!  I actually really enjoyed these muffins!  I think next time I might cut back a bit on the banana and put a bit more pumpkin in there as I could taste the banana more than the pumpkin and I’m totally an equal opportunity taster.

Coleslaw with Apples!  I’m marrying things all over the place last week!  This one married cabbage and apples, oh my!  I invented my own recipe here by adding the tomatoes and the honey-roasted peanuts (for the protein factor).  I also wayyyyyyyy cut back on the sugar in the dressing… it was still tastee.   I like the crisp tartness of the Granny Smith apple with the cabbage.  Winner winner coleslaw dinner!

Another marriage… penne pasta with garlic, broccoli, and lemon… this one was cantankered with via Martha Stewart.  Meaning, she gave a brief outline of something I might like and then I changed it up because I’m cantankerous.  Basically, cook you some whole wheat penne pasta, cut up some broccoli (to cook it throw it into the same pot as the pasta for the last 3 or 4 minutes… voila).  Get you a lemon, some lemon zest, some olive oil, and some garlic!  Throw in some Parmesan cheese… mix and serve!

FOOD!  Even if I hate the word, it sure as hades tastes good.  Dagnabit all to heck!

Question of the Day:  What are two foods that you enjoy “marrying” to make an even more delectable super food?

PS – Stay the course, FatMas people… if any people can do it… YOU CAN!  Because I said you could and I’m right 100% of the time according to the part of my brain that holds the ego portion!  DO IT!

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Dump and Fuhgettaboutit!

Totally channeling my inner Italian!  If I had one, but sadly I only have an inner hillbilly/redneck.  I reckon I ain’t never!  Short and sweet today… some favorite recipitas from the past few weeks!

This is my new favorite breakfast invention.  I’m serious right now!  It’s a modified version of a breakfast burrito eaten flat because then it feels like I’m eating more and it makes me convulse with excitement!   The recipe:

– An 80-calorie fiber Maya tortilla
– Half of an Ore Ida hashbrown patty, cut up
– Bean mixture (black beans, red peppers, and salsa) cooked in the same pan as the egg
– An egg (must be cooked hard and crusty… sue me… )
– Cheese (optional)

The key is to cook your bean mixture with the salsa and the red peppers (and you can probably add any other veggie-tables you want) in the same pan with the egg. YUM!!  I might have to have it again next week!  Warning:  May become addicting… Costa Vida agrees!

That ain’t a pretty picture (redneck holla, y’all), but it was so gosh durn easy to make this soup, I just had to let y’all in on the secret.  This is one of those dump ingredients into a crockpot and fuhgettaboutit recipes I so enjoy.  Potato Soup never was easier!

– One 30-ounce bag frozen hashbrowns (I used Ore Ida Country Style)
– Three 14-ounce cans of vegetable broth (reduced sodium) or chicken broth
– 1 can cream of celery soup (or cream of chicken)
– 1/2 cup chopped onion
– 1/4 tsp. black pepper
– 8-ounce package cream cheese (do not use fat free, it won’t melt!)

In a crockpot, combine everything EXCEPT for the cream cheese.  Cook for 6-8 hours on low heat.  About 1 hour before serving, add cream cheese and keep heated until thoroughly melted.  Serve with cheese, sour cream, bacon bits, green onions, or whatever else you think would be good!  My recipe was about 250 calories per serving when I broke it up into 7 good-sized servings.

Next time I make this I’m going to throw in some random vegetables and make it potato-vegetable soup!

TASTEE!  Possibly a good time to log your food whilst punching me in the face for your cardio session?  Why yes… I think I will!  I got in my lunch hour walk yesterday… it was a glorious escape into the fresh air because I then spent the rest of the day/night glued to my computer due to work and homework… 88 hours worth… at least (coughcoughgiveortake70hours).

Question of the Day:  What is your favorite go-to breakfast?   Day 2… what did you do to for points in NO MORE FATMAS yesterday?   

 

PS- News Flash half of the nation that is unhappy today… I just got word from Canada… they don’t want anyone from the US.  Stay put and carry on… respectfully.

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Schmappetizers and Sides, Oh My!

I’m totally pumped that so many people signed up for the Operation:  No More FatMas gig!  Let’s get this thang, motivated people!  Y’all rock it!  One of my pals brought up something in the comments and I thought I’d throw it out there.  She thought it would be cool to sweeten the pot if anyone who was able wanted to throw in 10 bucks to the prize.  I am NOT making this a requirement because I know not everyone is able.  If you have the money and want to throw some in, holler my way.  If not, we will carry on as usual!  No guilt!

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Back when I had extra TV watching time (since school started I’ve scaled it back DRAMASTICALLY) I used to sit for decades on end watching cooking shows on the Food Network/Cooking Channel.  The things fascinate me.  It doesn’t matter what they’re making either.  Some chic was making haggis one time and I was all mesmerized by a sheep intestine!  I think it’s because it’s soothing to me.  Someone talking about food and how to cook it for half an hour in a hypnotic tone of voice?  YES, PLEASE!  But, let’s face it… it’s food… I once weighed 530 pounds… basically put a Twinkie on a string and dangle it in front of me for 8 hours and I’d be in full droolation mode!

So, when I have opportunity to go to a live cooking class with taste testing, I’d be a crazy jackalope to say no!  Last week, Madre and I headed to Kitchen Kneads to attend their Holiday Appetizers and Sides class!  I was unable to secure an edge seat, so I was claustrophobic the whole class, but I still enjoyed myself.  Even when I was monitoring how many times the 3 ladies teaching the class did NOT wash their hands after manhandling the food.  Of course, I’m not your best handwashing judge since I happen to wash my hands with soap after pretty much anything I touch.  It’s tedious and gives my hands that pleasant roughened, flaking leather feel, but that’s how I have to roll up here in the Psychos For Germs ward.  For the record, these chics never used soap once… not that I was counting or anything!

I didn’t get to taste test all of the recipes they made because some of them contained meat… bitter that she made a beautiful-looking salad with strawberries and craisins and sweet and spicy almonds and all sorts of yumminess and then she poured 2 pounds of bacon on top of it.  THE NERVE!!  I even, for the first time in my entire lifetime, actually enjoyed a yam… maybe because it was mixed with apples and covered in a sugary butter sauce… but STILL!  That there is progress… 7-year-old taste buds… at LEAST!

There was a delectable-looking cheese ball and a yummeriferous fruit salsa with homemade baked cinnamon/sugar tortilla chips.  There was a surprisingly yummy crustini with pears and stinky cheese and pine nuts on the top.  One of the ladies also gave a great tip on how to make your cheese ball look like a frigging turkey for the festiveness factor.  Take a slice of red pepper (for the head), secure a slice of yellow pepper for the gobbler, and then make eyes out of raisins.  The feathers are various-shaped crackers poked into the back of the rounded cheese ball.  I’d have gotten pictures, but I was too embarrassed… let me get a picture of you for my wall of creepy, lady!  

I’m thinking I’m going to up and make some of the above-mentioned recipes for meal plans throughout the holee-day season.

Question of the Day:  Do you enjoy cooking demonstrations?  Any favorites on the Food Network?  How did you do on Day 1 of the Operation?

PS- Y’all… I don’t even care who wins the election tonight… by this time tomorrow, please no one tell me they’re thinking about moving to Canada… for serious… that joke went out back when Abe Lincoln got elected!  😛  Also, I am going to be so dagnabbed happy when I never in my lifetime have to see another political backstabbing ad… PUH-LEASE… what are we… kindergartners?  Someone done peed in your sandbox?  I hate all this contention… I need someone to hold hands with me and sing Kumbaya!

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Don’t Eat the Foliage…

First things first.  Thank you all for the sweet birthday wishes!  They made me smile!  🙂  Secondly… BEST. BIRTHDAY. PRESENT. EVER!!!!

Take the above sentence and insert every single last piece of sarcasm you can possibly fit into those four words.  Starting the snow season on my birthday… not cool Nature… it was only yesterday I was frolicking through the horse manure pasture!  😛  The above picture was taken at 7:00 a.m., whilst I was in the midst of rocking back and forth screaming, WOE IS ME!!!  

Winter is coming faster than a salad shooter on turbo!  You best believe it.

Speaking of salad shooters… (that segueway was ingenious, Whit-Knit!)

So, it turns out mushrooms just up and grow in the grass.  All this time I could’ve been eating free mushrooms and here I sit purchasing mine at the penny pincher convention.

Note to self:  poison control numbers should be programmed into your cell phone.  Moving on… so, free mushrooms!  I’m actually not a huge fan of the flavor or texture of a mushroom.  But, I still force myself to eat them on occasion.  For example, the stir fry I made this week is full of the suckers.  I just clog my nose up real tight when I’m chewing… that’s what the 5-year-old next door taught me.  But only if the temper tantrum under the kitchen table didn’t quite work out.

I had vegetable soup last week… in a bread bowl.  Y’all… whomever invented the wonder that is a bread bowl should just get translated to heaven tomorrow.  Carby goodness filled with soup!?  Believe you me… a bread bowl is a lot more pleasant to eat than that glass one I tried last Tuesdee!

It really hit the spot… the spot where my carbivore bone lives.  Also, whomever invented Soup Supreme in the freezer section… THANK YOU!  140 calories is a steal for a cup of soup… just don’t look at the sodium section for very long until your eye transplant has been successful.

And who doesn’t love English muffin pizzas?   Don’t answer that… we still need to be friends!   My breakfast?

Quiche using Egg Beaters egg whites…

Note to self:  those poisonous mushrooms you found earlier would have been “kill”er in this here recipe!  I’m telling you right now!

Question of the Day:  What is your favorite kind of soup?  Do you ever do bread bowls? 

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