Category Archives: The List

The Changing of the ‘Tude…

I’m resurrecting my LIST… when I say I’m going to finish something, come drowned rats and beatle bugs, I’m going to finish something.

Make two lists: one of things you can change and another of things you can’t. 
For the list of things that you can change, write beneath each item what steps you can take to make that change. 
For the list of things you can’t change, acknowledge why you can’t change them and accept why.

I’m starting off with things I can change because the list is much shorter and since I’m smart I always take the easy way out first.

Things I Can Change

1.)  My ATTITUDE

The end…

That pretty much sums it all up… if I change my attitude and the way I approach what I want to accomplish there ain’t nothing I can’t do.  I’ve had to beat this into my head every single day over the last few years and still there are many days or weeks or months I forget this and resort back to my self-pitying corner of despair and low self esteemness… and that’s when I stall.  I believe I should always be moving forward in some aspect of my life… that’s what I done be here for… to gather up knowledge and live life to the fullest.  Contrary to popular belief from Whitney of the Past, my soul purpose on this Earth was to sit on my duffitude and pick at my nostrils whilst downing a whole deep dish pizza.  Ooo… do you want to know what I did back in the old days when I didn’t want any evidence of my pizza downing and needed to hide it from the family?  I’d deconstruct the pizza box… cut it up into tiny, tiny pieces and hide the pieces in a big ole black garbage sack tied up into several knots and then stuffed down into the bottom of the garbage can outside.  There… out of sight… out of mind… According to the 48 Hours Mystery show I watched the other day, that one serial killer dude used to do that too… except not with pizza boxes.

MOVING ON!!!!

So, Whitney… keep reminding yourself that there is nothing you can’t do because there isn’t… although, winning the lottery may be totes out of my hands.  I’m talking about the things within my control here… gosh… work with me, people!

Things I Can’t Change

– My height… unless someone wants to come out here and remove a few vertebrae in the ole’ back… volunteers?
– My Family… unless someone wants to adopt me into theirs?  JOKES, family… geez… get off the ledge!
– My looks… get used to the big head, Whitney… you be in for a long life together… unless Joan Rivers happens to be offering a free plastic head removal.
– The fact that I love Chocolate… sorry… it’s been ingrained in all the vital organs and other miscellaneous crevices of my body.  Who would want to change that?!?!?!?  Are you crazy!?!?

The list of things I can’t change is pretty short… and I’m pretty much at peace with all those things… mmmm… chocolate… All the rest of the stuff, totally doable.  Put that big noggin of yours to work, Whitney… you have some things to accomplish!!

 

Question of the Day:  What are some things you want to change about yourself? 

 

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Dear Whitty Woo Woo of the Bouncy Balls…

The Listage…

Write a letter to yourself of today.

Dearest Whitney of the Bouncy Balls…

I’m torn… torn between the desire to scold and the desire to congratulate.  The Whitney of the past would surely have scolded.  Scolded and then ate the feelings away like a fat kid at the Golden Corrall… but it’s all you can eat leopard lard Tuesdee!!!  Maybe it’s because you’re frustratingly stuck in a rut of not being as conscientious food-wise as you’ve been in the past… and I could scold and scold and scold.  Scold the fact that, particularly over the last 2 weeks, you give in too easily to temptations.  Scold the fact that since March 2010, you’ve only lost a total of 40 pounds.  I could scold the fact that you have a gym membership, yet you haven’t been to the gym since Thanksgiving… opting instead to ride the recumbent bike in the basement… it’s too dagnabbed cold and too long of a drive out there… 20 minutes to get to the gym each way?  Such a waste!  And then, I could also scold you for making up lame butt excuses like the ones in the previous sentence.  I could scold you… but I’m not going to.

Instead I want to say… good for you!  Forty pounds in 9 months may sound pathetic in that skewed brain of yours, especially considering the 100+ the previous year, but it’s 40 pounds less than you weighed in March.  All of the years prior to 2-1/2 years ago had seen a gain of at least 25 pounds per year… in actuality, you saved yourself 65 pounds of grief.  I want to congratulate you for persisting… even when persisting meant getting up each day with a renewed commitment to start anew.  You’ve always said it doesn’t matter how many dagnabbed times you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matter.  Even if now it seems you’re swimming against the current, it won’t always be that way.  This is a rut on that road of yours… a small, insignificant rut… and one of these days when you least expect it, you’ll climb out the other side.  There will always be a struggle… some times will seem easier than others… but persisting through the bad times is the sign of a winner… and you, Whitney of the Bouncy Balls… are a WINNER!  Charlie Sheen has no idea!

Sincerely,

You Know Who…

Question of the Day:  What do you want to congratulate yourself for today?  Come on… pat yourself on the back! 

 

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The Ghost of Whitney Past…

The Listing it up!

Write a letter to yourself in the past.

Dearest Young Buckaroo…

I ain’t mad.  I ain’t mad that you managed to eat your way into oblivion.  I ain’t mad that you sat your butt on a couch cushion and felt sorry for yourself 85% of the time.  I ain’t mad that you hoarded cookies and cakes and candies in your closet and then lied about ever eating them.  I ain’t mad.

Furthermore…

I forgive you for making bad decisions 95.934% of the time.  I forgive you for wasting your life away for the first 30 years of it.  I forgive you because you dealt the best way you knew how at the time.  You came into this life with no knowledge or past experience.  If you had it to do all over again knowing what you know now, would you have done it differently?  Goodness yes… and then Barney Fife would win the Nobel Peace Prize.  But this life is a learning experience.  You take what was given you and you mold it into a little ball that they call wisdom… and as you go through life that ball gets bigger and bigger and bigger until it’s so big that you can’t possibly contain it in this life anymore… so you move on to the next life… the eternities… where you use that gained knowledge to help others.

So, I ain’t mad.  I’m mostly proud… proud that you are trying to become a better person… and not just saying that, but proving it with your actions and your thoughts… and the inner most desires of your heart.  It’s all there… I can feel that ball a growing.  Take it and run with it… the world is at your feet.

Love and Bouncy Balls,

Whitney of the Present!

Question of the Day:  What do you want to tell your past self?

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Dear Future Whitney…

Back to the good ole List….

Write a letter to yourself in the future.

Dearest Future Whitney,

So, you just got back from Oprah’s house!  How is the ole broad?  Did it hurt much on the way to the state penitentiary wearing them pesky handcuffs?  Such a shame she didn’t allow you inside even after you went to all that trouble of scaling the electric fence with the barbed wire across the top.  There goes that pacemaker!! 

Meanwhile, I hope you enjoyed your vacation to somewhere exotic and fun and that you are enjoying your cozy little house in the country surrounded by your doilies and all the embroidery needles you can handle.  I told you not to paint that room the color of mustard… now every time you pass by you crave pig/beef/chicken scraps molded into the shape of a hot dog. 

Note to self… must pick up more Bath and Body Work product… am down to 99 bottles of antibacterial hand soap, must not get below 100. 

Be happy… you’re in Onederland now and you’ve race-walked a half marathon and become someone important… Oprah who?  The bane of your existence is a thing of the past and you’re a cultured woman who enjoys music and theater and books and foreign films and traveling… and ChOcOlAtE-covered everything!  You have the same awesomely loyal friends and family who love you know matter how much you weigh.  You’re a blessed woman living life to the fullest and enjoying every dagnabbed second of it.  Life is good. 

Much Love and Antibacterial Soapy Products,

Whitney of the Past and Present

***

I sang tonight… a Christmas program for a group of the most adorable ladies on the block, ages 60s to 90-plus.  They were part of a literary club called Ex Libris and were for sure the sweetest ladies in existence.  I wanted to get inducted into the club by the time I left, but I’m not sure I could handle the induction process.  It’s probably something about having knowledge and wisdom and stuff that I could only hope to have absorbed whilst in their presence.  Thank you, ladies for the nice evening and for humoring me with my singing.  I apologize for forgetting all of the words to The Christmas Waltz and butchering Rocking Around the Christmas Tree, but at least y’all can be thankful that I didn’t bust out any dance moves… I’d been practicing you see… locked away in the darkest corner of the basement.  This is the best picture Madre could get of the occasion:

Those would be the stars of the program… Mr. and Mrs. Water Glass and Grampa Bread Basket.  Cuzzins Altoids and Lip Chap are sitting in the foreground next to Auntie Napkin.  Oh… and then in the verrrrryyyyyyy tippy tippy top corner, you see the ensemble chorus… yep… there I am standing next to Santa Claus’s hat!!!!  Thank you, sweet ladies for the nice evening.  Special thoughts and prayers and hugs go out to my friend who invited me to sing, Audrey and her family.  😦  You were missed.  Take care, sweet lady!

Question of the Day:  What’s one thing you want to say to your future self? 

 

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Photography Distractions…

I’ve been slacking on my List answering… I’m still doing it.  It’s just obviously going to take longer than originally planned!  What?  I’m an ADD tangenter!  I’ll pepper them into my bloggages… pepper is the new salt, said my swollen ankles!

Do one thing for yourself that you don’t normally do (manicure, a glass of wine, etc.)

Jack Daniels!?  JOKES!!!!!  I’m not much of a manicurey/pedicurey/massagey person.  Firstly, they require complete strangers to touch you.  Ew.  PASS!  Secondly, feet are like my worst enemy.  I hate feet.  Your feet, my feet, Lady GooGoo’s feet.  If they have toes, they are nasty!  I take fine care of my feet… the toenails get clipped… the feets get washed and lotioned… but I just find feet gross!!  This is a heads up for Madre and Padre… when you need someone to clip your nasty toenails… let’s best hope Lindsay is available, because Whitney ain’t gonna have it!  Instead, I bought myself a Christmas book and a portable hard drive.  I don’t usually do either of those things, so I’d say that’s right up my alley.  It will take me approximately 2 years to get the hard drive out of the package… who invented those kinds of packages anyway!?!?!  And what are people supposed to do who don’t own a hacksaw!?

Make a list of things that have changed in your life since losing weight.

Oh so many things… I was just thinking about little things the other day.  For example, when I bought my Beulah the Buick car, I couldn’t fit the seatbelt around me.  It wouldn’t fit.  I had read that you could order seatbelt extenders for free, but you’d have to pick them up at the Buick dealership.  I was too mortified to do that.  MORTIFIED!  To have to walk into the dealership and ask someone for an extender because you were so gol durn big, you couldn’t wear a normal seatbelt!?!  NO!  So I talked Madre into doing it for me.  I’ve had that seatbelt extender on for years.  I no longer need it.  I can fit the seatbelt and click it into place with no problems.  I won’t bore you with a whole long list, but here are a few more:

– Bending over to tie my shoes and cut my toenails is no longer some monumental task.  I’d sweat storms before and huff and puff and have trouble breathing because my oxygen was cut off.  I also could not reach my feet whilst sitting down.  I had to stand up, heft my foot up to a chair and then reach it that way.  I now have no problem bending over and doing either of those things… and tying my shoes whilst sitting down… GLORIOUS!!!  Add that to the 7th Wonder of the World list!

– Just going grocery shopping was a task in and of itself before.  The walking was not my thing.  I’d have to stand around and lean against a cart to wait for someone to walk across the store to get some of the things I needed.  Sitting down was a must on several occasions.  I’m not even out of breath anymore and I could walk for days on end in that dagnabbed grocery store.  Plus, my face doesn’t get all flushed and red and no more huffing and puffing down the aisles.

– I haven’t purchased clothing out of a catalog for forever!  I don’t need to anymore.  I had to do that before because no store stocks sizes 5X and 6X… they just don’t.  I guess I could have shopped at the fabric store and just pinned a bolt of fabric to my body.  New Project Runway idea… tent fashion!!  I’m shopping at Old Navy and The Gap and Kohls and places I’d only be able to buy socks at before!

–  No more sleep apnea machine running like a train through my bedroom.  No more several times daily insulin shots or diabetes pills.  No more high blood pressure issues.  I still take a gaggle of medications… thank you failed gastric bypass surgery for the added anemia and mineral and vitamin deficiencies… but nothing for a serious illness.

************

Moving on… A friend and I (what up, Karrie) signed up for a basic digital photography class, which started about a month ago.  We’ve decided to get us through the winter, we’re taking classes… when this one is over, we’re moving on to the next subject!   We’ve been to 4 classes so far (only about 2 more to go), and so far I’ve learned that I need taller bangs to catch all the stuff that keeps on zooming over my head.  WHAT THE WHAT!?!?!?  The teacher is the nicest dude on the planet and he knows his stuff like it ain’t no thang, but he talks to us like we’re supposed to know things… um hello… can we start with turning on the camera!?!?  Because that’s basically why I signed up right there!  The funny part about it… we ask questions… all of us in the class ask questions… like, what settings would you put your camera on in this instance.  I don’t think he’s EVER answered any of the questions with a straight up actual answer… it usually starts with a well, it depends on and ends with a so, it depends on. 

I guess I do know things that I didn’t before… like the terms ISO and shutter speed and aperture… now, getting all of those things to jive in the right direction to “make” a good pitcher… that’s the thing that needs to be mastered… and I don’t think 2 more classes is gonna do that trick!  I think that’s where Google comes in… I’ll just Google me some charts for camera settings in different situations and voila.  Practice makes perfect!  This past Thanksgiving, Lindsay made me do some practicing on her family for their Christmas card photos.  Lindsay is the pickiest photo taker on the planet and she can only stand to look at “modern” and nonposed-looking pictures, so I was happy that she liked a handful of the 8 bajillion I took of them.  Nephews, Christian and Ethan, on the other hand, would have rather been sticking pins in their eye sockets… ANYTHING but picture time!!

Question of the Day:  What’s the last thing you did for yourself that you don’t normally do?

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Yams!?!?!?!?!?

Make a small motivational poster of pictures and quotes that you like.  It can be as small or big as you like.

I ammended this one and instead made a poster of what I wanted to do during the Christmas holidays… I’ll blog more about it next week, complete with picture of said professionally made collage. I also discovered that I am a wizard with the scissor… aka I managed to cut things that don’t require cutting (aka my shirt), and nothing on my collage has an even edge.  Sue me… I wasn’t good at scissoring in Kindergarten either!

Look up recipes that you might not like and try one anyway.  You might be surprised. 

In honor of Thanksgiving and despite the fact that I’ve tried them every year and hated them each time I tried them, I’m going to give Yams another go.  Maybe I’ll like them better not mashed, but baked.  For some reason that gritty texture makes me gag a maggot.  And then you go in figuring it’s going to taste like an orange potato, but no… it’s all sweet and gritty and you can put marshmallows and brown sugar on the top.  Ain’t nothing wrong with marshmallows and brown sugar, but I save my marshmallows for nose shooting contests… you know the ones where you stick a marshey-mallow up the ole nostril and then see who can shoot it out the furthest!?!?  Okay… forget I ever said that, nor have I ever attempted to do it… I just dry heaved a little bit at that thought.  That is plain nastified!

Take a full body picture of yourself and see the progress you’ve made.

Oh goodie gumdrops in a puddle of Wonka sweat… my least favorite pastime.  I’m counting the fact that I took full length pictures a couple of months ago… no need to have to put me through that twice in the same year.  Though, I am making progress as I find my side view easier to notice differences… the front view… not so much!!

*****

You all remember the kitty I was trying to hawk on this blog earlier this summer?  The little bitty kitty silver tabby kitten with the high-pitched mew and the love of climbing up tall trees and not being able to get down?  The one that hung out at the house in the garage for 2 months?  We finally did find a home for her in approximately mid August of this year… and that was that or so I thought.

Two months later in October, I got word that the new owners were going to have to give it back because it did not get along with their existing cat.  Oh lawsy.  We had worked so hard to find a home for it and it kept coming back to me.  Lindsay jumped on that opportunity to keep reminding me that it must be meant to be… only a few weeks after my sweet 22-year-old cat passes away and another one is falling into my lap yet again.  How many times are you going to ignore that, Lindsay kept saying.  Personally, I was still working on getting Lindsay to take it home to add to her collection of cats.

Meet, my new kitty, Lucy…

She does a lot of this… and she wreaks havoc on the Christmas tree Madre is putting up.  She also found out how to be my personal heater/back rest on those frigid days:

She also STILL climbs up tall things and then can’t get down:

Such is the life of a spoiled brat kitty.  Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!!

Question of the Day:  What is your favorite way to eat a yam/sweet potater?  Any toppings besides brown sugar and marshmallows?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING tomorrow, y’all Americans!  I hope you all have a fabulous time hanging with your families and waiting in line for the Black Fridee sales so you can play tug of war with a slightly psychotic woman/man over the last Cabbage Patch doll.  As a heads up, I won’t be blogging Thursday or Friday, but I’ll be back at it come Mondee, so hope to see you all then.

 

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Donuts Are Vegetables Now… Hear Me Out!!!

Dead serious… DEAD!  We fried her up in a vat of VEGETABLE oil, which would totes constitute a vegetable.  Hello… it’s in the dagnabbed name… the oil from a vegetable!!!  Of course, I’m totally joking… just trying to help Congress out after they came out embarrassing themselves whilst swearing up and down that frozen pizza counted as a vegetable due to the tomato paste.  They also consider french fries a vegetable because they’re potatoes.  Heck yes!!!  That just proves all those years of consuming vast amounts of fried frenches and pizza like it was going out of style was the healthiest decision of my frig frammed lifetime!  It’s kind of like saying, you went to the Bahamas and all I got was this T-shirt… except it’s more like, I ate my weight in vegetables and all I got was this prescription for a heart attack.  I’m not saying there’s a thing wrong with eating either of these things… in moderation, but constituting them as a vegetable to kids who don’t know any better!?  PREPOSTEROUS!!   Oh yeah… that was me yelling in all caps… you best believe it’s true.  Let’s call a duck a duck… if it quacks, it’s a duck.  If it doesn’t grow out of the ground… IT AIN’T A VEGETABLE!!!  It’s quite ironic they’re naming it a vegetable because of the tomato paste anyway… especially considering that it’s always been argued whether a tomato is actually a vegetable or a fruit because it has seeds.  I’m crossing my fingers for when they come out that Skittles are actually fruit!  Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!!!!!!!!

Back to my list:

Plan your food diary a week in advance and try to stick with it. 

I’ve done this before and I aim to do it again, but NEXT WEEK when I have more control over my food and recipes.  Thanksgiving week is a bad time to try to plan around, but I will guarantee you that I will eat my fruit/vegetables when I eat my round piece of pumpkin pie.  JOKES on the round part… not the actual eating of the pumpkiny pie.  This whole holiday season crapola is a tricky thing to master, and I’m not feeling totally confident that it will be mastered since I’ve yet to get a handle on my regularly scheduled eating like a bird mission ever since I got back from vacation.  Stupid vacation… and I’d also like to blame it some on Daylight Savings Time and the fact that it’s now dark by 5:00…   Let’s see… what else can I blame it on… hormoney hoarding, Halloween, my birthday, zit breakouts, the NBA idiots who want more money, Wheel of Fortune, Pat Sajack, Superman, and just because he needs more scandal… Herman Cain.  Pshaw… y’all can see what I’ve had to deal with over the last month or so.

Have a day to eat what you feel like without feeling guilty.

LOL!!  That’s my main problem of late… I have too many of those days.  I seem to do beautifully Monday through Thursday, and then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday roll along and it’s like numbdumb eating all over the Buffet o’ Congress!  I’m ashamed to say I did not get my pizza vegetable in on any weekend.  Pass that Bill and call it Sally!  While I regain focus and work out a plan to master this elusive holiday eating spree, y’all get up your lists for Black Friday… 4 more days… what are you waiting for?  Don’t call me at 5:00 in the morning… I’ll be dreaming about donuts and pizza…

Question of the Day:  Do you ever have a day where you eat anything you want and not feel bad about it? 

My weekend included a lot of this:

Like, over a foot of that when all was said and done.  I swear there were mountains there in the background at one point… they might be lost until July.  Buckle in folks, we be in for a long winter’s nap!  How do I turn into a bear so I can hibernate?

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