Tag Archives: Food Diary

Donuts Are Vegetables Now… Hear Me Out!!!

Dead serious… DEAD!  We fried her up in a vat of VEGETABLE oil, which would totes constitute a vegetable.  Hello… it’s in the dagnabbed name… the oil from a vegetable!!!  Of course, I’m totally joking… just trying to help Congress out after they came out embarrassing themselves whilst swearing up and down that frozen pizza counted as a vegetable due to the tomato paste.  They also consider french fries a vegetable because they’re potatoes.  Heck yes!!!  That just proves all those years of consuming vast amounts of fried frenches and pizza like it was going out of style was the healthiest decision of my frig frammed lifetime!  It’s kind of like saying, you went to the Bahamas and all I got was this T-shirt… except it’s more like, I ate my weight in vegetables and all I got was this prescription for a heart attack.  I’m not saying there’s a thing wrong with eating either of these things… in moderation, but constituting them as a vegetable to kids who don’t know any better!?  PREPOSTEROUS!!   Oh yeah… that was me yelling in all caps… you best believe it’s true.  Let’s call a duck a duck… if it quacks, it’s a duck.  If it doesn’t grow out of the ground… IT AIN’T A VEGETABLE!!!  It’s quite ironic they’re naming it a vegetable because of the tomato paste anyway… especially considering that it’s always been argued whether a tomato is actually a vegetable or a fruit because it has seeds.  I’m crossing my fingers for when they come out that Skittles are actually fruit!  Pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease!!!!!!!!

Back to my list:

Plan your food diary a week in advance and try to stick with it. 

I’ve done this before and I aim to do it again, but NEXT WEEK when I have more control over my food and recipes.  Thanksgiving week is a bad time to try to plan around, but I will guarantee you that I will eat my fruit/vegetables when I eat my round piece of pumpkin pie.  JOKES on the round part… not the actual eating of the pumpkiny pie.  This whole holiday season crapola is a tricky thing to master, and I’m not feeling totally confident that it will be mastered since I’ve yet to get a handle on my regularly scheduled eating like a bird mission ever since I got back from vacation.  Stupid vacation… and I’d also like to blame it some on Daylight Savings Time and the fact that it’s now dark by 5:00…   Let’s see… what else can I blame it on… hormoney hoarding, Halloween, my birthday, zit breakouts, the NBA idiots who want more money, Wheel of Fortune, Pat Sajack, Superman, and just because he needs more scandal… Herman Cain.  Pshaw… y’all can see what I’ve had to deal with over the last month or so.

Have a day to eat what you feel like without feeling guilty.

LOL!!  That’s my main problem of late… I have too many of those days.  I seem to do beautifully Monday through Thursday, and then Friday, Saturday, and Sunday roll along and it’s like numbdumb eating all over the Buffet o’ Congress!  I’m ashamed to say I did not get my pizza vegetable in on any weekend.  Pass that Bill and call it Sally!  While I regain focus and work out a plan to master this elusive holiday eating spree, y’all get up your lists for Black Friday… 4 more days… what are you waiting for?  Don’t call me at 5:00 in the morning… I’ll be dreaming about donuts and pizza…

Question of the Day:  Do you ever have a day where you eat anything you want and not feel bad about it? 

My weekend included a lot of this:

Like, over a foot of that when all was said and done.  I swear there were mountains there in the background at one point… they might be lost until July.  Buckle in folks, we be in for a long winter’s nap!  How do I turn into a bear so I can hibernate?

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Certified Fibber Extraordinaire!

Side Note… um… there was just a drunk dude singing show tunes outside of my window.  Considering I do not live in a busy city, it is 2:00 in the morning, and there is a total of 1 bar in a 30-mile radius, this concerns me.  Maybe I should offer him some pants and a mouth gag.  At least he was more entertaining than all the live rodents and birds I’ve had stuck in my window well previously.  Should have asked if he took requests… I’m really aching to hear his rendition of “I Will Survive”!

I learned really early on in life how to fib… okay fine, fib is an understatement… I lied like a frigging dog!  It saved me from spankings and groundings and other punishments many a time.  I especially used my new found skill when it came to food and eating and sneaking into said food.  I cannot even count how many times when I had snuck into the cookie jar for a handful or 12 handfuls of Oreos… and my mom would ask if I’d been in the cookies, I’d tell her I hadn’t whilst I had black Oreo crumbs pasted to every crevice of my mouth and teeth.  Stupid Oreos anyway!!  I was much more credible with the Twinkies!  DISCLAIMER:  I do not condone lying unless it gets you an extra piece of candy or a lottery win.

I became very good at my lies.  At the age of 16 when I finally got my driver’s license, I’d make up elaborate excuses for why I’d have to leave the house… some friend emergency or work emergency or I had to make an emergent run down to the K-Mart for zit cream… just to be able to get to use the car for a food run.  The problem with lying when it comes to food is I became a closet eater.  In front of people, I ate in sensible portions and even turned down dessert… but behind the scenes when all alone, it became an all-you-can-eat smorgasboard of sugar and lard and anything edible really… because that was the only time I wouldn’t get the stink eye for my food choices.  Some people are scurred of ghosts or boogey men or serial killers… I was scurred of the stink eye!  You know the stink eye… that disapproving look you get when you take too many scoops of ice cream or choose the fried chicken instead of the baked at the restaurant?  THAT look.

In fact, I got so good at my lying, that when I was 5 years old, I conjured up a whole scenario in my noggin and got my sister and little playmates to be the actors in the play with me.  I told my parents that we had been approached by a big truck and a scary-looking guy in this big truck offered us some candy if we’d come and sit in his cab with him.  That’s when we all started screaming and ran into the house.  I have to say that fibbing aside, I gave one helluva Oscar-worthy performance complete with tears and shrieking voice… so much so, that my folks called the Police and had them send an officer out to the house.  The officer came and I lied to him too.  I showed him the tire tracks where this scary-looking, candy-offering dude supposedly pulled onto the lawn.  I made up what the dude looked like (scraggly hair, a beard and a mustache).  Friendly officer wrote all of this down in his little notebook and I was pretty darn proud of myself because I was already good at lying at the age of 5.  DISCLAIMER:  Again, I was 5, so I’m obviously not responsible for my own actions or my transgressions, Adam and Eve.  It was also during the Safety Kids phase, so I blame my parents for buying me those tapes and books.

No, I hadn't been drinking red juice... that red ring around my mouth was from a freak lipstick attack!

Anyhow, point being… lying is bad… especially to police officers.  Why am I blabbering on about this?  I’ve had several people ask me why I don’t have my food diary public on MyFitnessPal…  It’s because I’m still scurred of that dagnabbed stink eye… people judging me for not eating ONLY vegetables.  If I make my diary public, I know I’ll just start lying again.  Lying about what I eat is not something I’m going to go back to… so until I get to that point where I’m comfortable with having people judge my food, my diary will be private.  Just know that I eat like a normal person… I eat all of my allotted calories… and I truly do believe all things in moderation.  If you don’t believe me… call 9-1-1 because they did!

Question of the Day:  Did you fib much as a kid?  How about now as an adult? 

 

 

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My Fitness Pal is Your Fitness Pal…

Take notes today y’all… I’m about to unleash the hidden SECRET to weight loss… watch your backs, skinny gurus… I’m spilling it here!  The secret to weight loss success is………. DRUMROLL……….. the Fat-O-Matic… and after you’ve spent millions on the Fat-O-Matic and still have the same spare tire around your middle (y’all, if you ever get stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire, give me a ring… I’ll jog on out with the one I keep in my gut… you know… just in case!), it’s time to dig out the ole common sense bone and go the FREE and SENSIBLE route. 

It’s pretty much crucial to keep track of my calories whilst calorizing.  I know we all have magical brains that automatically keep a tally of every food we eat and then… NO… no, we don’t… because there’s the numbdumb eating.  You know the eating where you don’t realize you’re eating until you step on the scale a week later and gain 5 pounds?  I call it numbdumb eating because it’s like I black out… a handful of crackers here, a few chips there (or a whole bag… KYLE CHANDLER!), a few spoonfulls of ice cream there and suddenly you’ve eaten 1000 extra calories and can’t remember a dang thing!  A calorie does not count if you don’t have a plate in front of you… if it’s just a fork or a spoon and you are standing up, it’s totally not a calorie!!  Or so I always tried to convince myself when I was numbdumbing around the house. 

When I first started this whole weight losing buisness, I used a pen and a piece of paper to keep track of my calories… hello 1887, how are the pioneers doing?  And then me and ma in her kerchief sat down to spin us some yarn from our freshly sheared sheep.  **sighs** The good ole’ days!  I just happened to be watching the Today Show one morning this past August when they had a lady on who had lost weight using this free site… of course I had to sign myself up for 2 reasons… 1.)  It was FREE… and B.) It was FREE!  Did I mention it was FREE?  No, I’m not a cheap skate… what gave you that idea? 

I signed up… it was super easy, user friendly, wayyyyy faster than my 1887 method… and FREE!!  I didn’t start using the community of people on the site until a couple of months later in November, but I’ve met some great people since then who are in my same shoes and some who wear much smaller shoes, but are just great cheerleaders.  I would HIGHLY, HIGHLY recommend it, family and friends.  There are all kinds of people on the site… those trying to lose 100+ pounds to those just trying to drop the pesky 10 pounds to those trying to gain weight and/or are body builders.  MyFitnessPal (MFP)… It’s kind of like FaceBook for Weight Loss!

So, y’all… drop the Fat-O-Matic, head on over to my FREE lifesaver and sign up today:  http://www.myfitnesspal.com  It is totally worth it… and if I haven’t mentioned it yet… it’s FREE!

Question of the Day:  Any of my MFP friends want to give a testimonial of the MFP awesomeness?  Do it in the comments! 

 

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Filed under Calorizing, Diet, Exercise