Tag Archives: madre

Root Beer Floats and Playtex…

My mom’s going to kill me after I finish this blog post.  Nice knowing you all.  If you could get me a nice plot near the chocolate factory, I don’t think I could even complain about the maggots.  But it’s such a cute story… it has to go down for posterity sake.  This post is to celebrate your cuteness, Madre!!  Take it and like my girl Beyonce used to say… Girls… we run the world.  That made more sense in my head than on the computer screen.

We had a gathering for the city firework show on Friday night late.  Some of my awesome cuzzins got together and partook in desserty items before we hijacked the neighbor’s backyard to watch the firework extravaganza (not gonna lie… pretty sure at least 3 of them were drunk ON LIFE… the neighbors, not the cuzzins).  So, we were eating our desserty items on the back deck and gabbing about really important things like mosquitoes and ducks… and sunsets… and various other things like boomboxes (yes, the folks still have one).  I was sitting next to cuzzin Kale, so I intermixed my Berger klutz gene with her Berger klutz gene and we managed to drop an entire root beer float into her lap.  THANK YOU… I’m here all week.

Being the nonhelpful being I am, I went inside the house and wet down some paper towels… like that would magically erase the stickiness.  Madre was inside and so I asked her if she had any wet wipes and then went back out with my wettened paper towel glob.

Next thing we know, Madre is back out the house and in front of John Deere tractors and country fried steaks everywhere, she plopped the following down right next to the fruit pizza and vanilla ice cream container:

Now, maybe some of you from the other gender will not know the real purpose of these suckers… and I can guarantee you Madre thought nothing of it… totally an innocent romp through trying to be helpful to the root beer stickiness sufferers, but the whole end of that picnic table burst into laughter.  Every time I think about it I burst into laughter.  Like I’m seriously laughing right now (maybe it’s because I borrowed a little sumthin sumthin that was making the neighbors so dagnabbed happy).   Madre was all like… “I ain’t had a baby since 1980… you think I have wet wipes!?!?!?”  Apparently, my mom talks like the grandma from Beverly Hillbillies in my head space.  Needless to say, cuzzin Kale passed on the wet wipes.  Good call, cuzzin… good call.

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And just so we even up the parental embarrassment unit, here’s something to give you nightmares:

He’s apparently angry about being a clown fashion model… and I’ve had a nightmare every night since.

Happy Belated Fourth of July, dear friends and family.  Thank you to all of those who have served to make this country free for the rest of us!!

LucyFur awaiting further instruction after I made her memorize the Pledge and the entire Constitution.  And you thought your pet was smart.

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You Can’t Make This Crap Up…

You can’t… I’m just telling you right now… you CANNOT!  I’ve been going to the Infusion Center at the hospital every other day for the last 2 weeks… trying to get rid of this taxing anemia I have going on, so I sit in a recliner with all of these other old folk and have Venofer pumped into my veins via an IV for 2 hours every other day… bring on the bills, hospital!  I think they charge per each millisecond you sit there.  Today’s reclining chair neighbors just happened to be 3 ole homeboys from the olden days.  The first one was already asleep and snoring as I took my seat.  Every once in a while, he’d do this horrible snorting noise, like he was trying to gather all of the mucus from his nostril holes up into the very tip top of his brain folds in one swift snorting movement… and then he’d talk to himself in his sleep.  I bring a book every time, but it’s hard to hear the words over snorting chair dude.

The other 2 homeboys were in their 70s, and I kid you not, their names were Butch and Patch.  I kid you the heck not!  Patch, I’m assuming, was named for the eye patch he wore, and I’m guessing Butch was named on account of the fact that he was built like an ox with a big ole bushy mountain man beard and overalls… pretty sure he had the mountain man beard swimming down the birth canal.  Butch and Patch knew each other… because their names nearly rhyme, I’m assuming, and because they were both farmer/rancher types from back in their golden days.  Butch even traveled the pro rodeo circuit for several years as a bull rider.

It’s funny to listen to 2 good ole boys talk to each other… each of them trying to one up the other in their stories of who rode the biggest bull and who had the most John Wayne movies (Patch won that one… he has a whole dagnabbed collection).  Butch says he is a fan of Steven Seagal and would like to meet him one day, and I’d agree with him, except NOPE!

I sat in that room of snorting and exaggerating and patching for 2 hours today and I managed to read 1 page of a book.  Who needs reading material when you have a room full of entertainment.  Happy Trails, Butch and Patch!

Meanwhile, in the 2nd thing I didn’t make up… the town round-about is getting all classy like and stuff.  They’ve erected a statue in the honor of the most prominent store in town and let me tell you what, this thing is CLASS-Y with a capital all of the letters.  It’s like we done be taking on the Museum of Art or some such nonsense.

Wait for it…

And there it is… I like to call it… Ye Yonder Wal-Martian Tributary.  By the by, I did many illegal round-about maneuvers to get these pictures.  There was much honking and cussing and one chic showed me how her little bird learned how to fly.  You are welcome.   Looks like the workmanship of Butch and Patch to me.  Good job, boys!

Question of the Day:  Are you a people watcher/listener?  

PS –  Happiest of happy belated birthdays to my favorite Madre who turned 29 for the 33rd year in a row this past Friday!  I was going to buy her a new muumuu, but then I remembered she would wear it and put the kabosh swiftly on that idea.  I’m sure lucky to have such a great momma!  Love you!

 

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Back in 1883…

… after the wedding ceremony of my parents.  Bwahahahahahaha… I slay myself!  Okay, maybe add a few years to that guesstimate.  My folks celebrated their 119th minus approximately 81 wedding anniversary this past Wednesday… and since I’m such a pain in the butt and yet very thoughtful daughter, I thought I’d walk y’all through a few of their engagement/wedding photos.  Get out your sunglasses.  I warned you!

This here would be a really bad quality engagement picture.  Back in them days they didn’t have no fangled dangled cameras.  A line of monkeys sat out in front of them and drew this here picture with crayons.  Do not adjust your screens.  That is an orange dress.  I hear it was this exact dress that was the inspiration for the prison orange jumpsuit.  That’s the truth!  Also, I guess my dad may or may not have been hungry for lamb chops on account of he just decided to grow them on his face.  Dark glasses and ringlets were big in them days too.

You can’t see them in this picture… the angle is bad… but there were EMTs standing in the rafters just in case the men got choked to death by them there ruffled shirt and bow tie combination.  That’s my gramps Bill, grams Ella, grams Adeline, and step-gramps Bill.  You wouldn’t know it to look at them but they were wondering where the nearest feeeeesshhh plates were.

In case you were wondering, I was not invited to the reception!  THE NERVE!!

I only recognize the one bridesmaid… wut up, Aunt D!?  The rest were hired from Craig’s List… which since they didn’t have computers back then was actually just a dude named Craig who lived in a house and had a list.  You’d go ring his doorbell.  Flouncy hats were apparently in fashion as well.  I seem to remember seeing a plant pot that looked like one of those flouncy hats when I was a youngster.  Who’s missing their flouncy hat?

Happy Anniversary, Madre and Padre!  I spent a lot of time wishing I was never born throughout my life… the faux-tragic-teenager years and the depressed hippo 500+-pound years, but I can honestly say that I’m glad to be alive today.  What a difference a few attitude adjustments make!

Question of the Day:  If you’re married, how long have you been married?  What were your wedding colors?  

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Crochety Old Chic…

I recently blogged about the fact that despite having just taken a 6-week beginning knitting course, I forgot how to do half of the necessary knitting techniques… like casting on… and if you can’t cast on, you might as well be a chic holding a ball of yarn and 2 sticks… ain’t gonna be making anything without that.  So, instead of getting all verklempt to death, I just taught myself how to crochet.  Same difference, except now I only have one stick, which means I’ve just halfed the chance of poking both of my eyeballs out in a deadly yarning accident.  It was really because I couldn’t think of ANYTHING to get Madre for her birthday, so I decided that part of my present whilst I was thinking of the other part would be to knit her something.  When I couldn’t figure out how to read the knitting chart on the pattern I’d picked out, I just crocheted it instead… because I’m cool like that!

Here she is in all her glory… my first crotcheting (purposely spelled that wrong, yo) project… what the flim flam polly wolly doodle all the day is it?  Your guess is as good as mine!  😛  JOKES.  It’s a lop-sided owl iPAD cover/protector majigger.

Stick your iPAD in there and then I’m pretty sure you can drop it off a 25-story building and it will still be smooshed to smithereens… but folks will think it’s an owl… and that’s all that counts in this world!

I’m not sure Madre was exactly thrilled with her newly acquired lopsided crotcheting project… but heck if I almost pinned it to the frigeration system.  You bet your sweet bippy!

Question of the Day:  Do you crotchet?  Any fun patterns? 

Happy weekend friends and relations!  

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The Opposite of Patience?

What happens when you lock me in the kitchen and then throw in Lindsay afterwards?  Bad Luckitis!  It wouldn’t have been so bad if we didn’t actually try to prepare anything for Mother’s Day dinner… and instead just sat, drooling on the floor.  That would have gone over rather smoothly until the microwave rotted and infiltrated the house with radon gasses and the fire department came in to scrape us off the hardwood floors.  That may or may not have put a crimp in the day of the volunteer fire department people.

Instead, we had to make an emergency trip to the store to pick up brown sugar (even if I had written out detailed lists the day before when I did my shopping).  On the way to the store, I was following behind an older woman driving 5 mph in a red boatmobile.  When she came to the unnecessary round-about, she acted like she’d never visited the planet Earth before and made a left, into the opposite lane of traffic instead of just following the round about to make her left.  Needless to say the poor woman ran right into an oncoming car.  Not at a high rate of impact since the car she ran into was basically stopped and she had slowed down to 0.13233243 mph, but impact nonetheless.  Not even me laying on my horn when she was attempting to make the left turn into the oncoming lane of traffic helped.  Poor woman…

On the way in to buy the brown sugar, I helped a guy push his car out of the parking space because for some reason he couldn’t get it to turn on when he had it in reverse.  I immediately offered him a bag of brown sugar to take this sweet car off of his hands.  I’m a wheeler dealer.  If you act now, I’ll throw in a half eaten road cake and a ride in my new red boatmobile around the round-about!

Got the brown sugar home in just enough time to get the chicken ALMOST done by the time the guests would arrive, so we had to stick to the schedule.  Which would have been great, except for the fact that Lindsay got the timer turn off button and the oven turn off button mixed up and so instead of turning off the timer, turned off the entire oven and we didn’t realize our oven was not on, nor was our chicken cooking until 45 minutes later.  BUST!!!  HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY, MOM!!!  You’re totally welcome for the raw hide chicken!

The rest went fairly smoothly, except for the glued-together pasta and the fact that despite me saying she should sit down every 10 minutes, Madre insisted on “helping”… PER USUAL!

 

This is the dessert I made and no way in helium balloons was it calorizing worthy, so sit down and stop it.  There’s nothing that Madre likes more than cheesecake, lemon, and blueberry… and this sucker had all 3 combined for your eating pleasure.  Don’t you forget about it.

This momma was having a fabulous Mom’s day with her new little ducklings… adorbs would be the word I would use but some of the relations were wondering how long before they could be a tastee, Duck A’La Orange.

Dad had his chef over at the assisted living center make these suckers for Madre.  Who doesn’t like chocolate and strawberries?  Don’t answer that chocolate haters!

Tonight, I had the following conversation with 6-year-old cuzzin, Makayla:

Knit Whit:  What did you get your mom for Mother’s Day?  Did you draw her a picture or something?
Makayla:  No… I got her patience.
KW:  Oh… that’s a great gift!   How long is this gift of patience going to last?
M:  Just today.
KW:  Just today, huh… so, when tomorrow comes what are you going to be?
M:  Mad and angry.

Little peeved that she totally stole my next birthday gift idea!  The gift of mad and angry… now, that I can do and it’s totes free of charge for the first hour… then I charge $19.99 plus shipping and handling for every minute thereafter.

Thanks, Momma… for practicing patience today and every day.  It ain’t easy to be my mother… I’ll tell you what!

 

Question of the Day:  What did y’all do for Mom’s Day?  Any great gifts from the kidlets?  

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Whitney’s Weird-Y-Isms…

DISCLAIMER:  I am in no way, shape, or form associated with any of the content displayed in the following guest blog… For what it’s worth, I probably only agree with 0.0984231% of the total post… making it nearly impossible to be accurate… or true!  😛  Thank you, Lindz and Madre… with suggestions from Dad, BIL Shayne, and Cuzzin Angie. 

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Whitney’s Wierd-y-isms:
 
Can we say that?  Well we did!  You are currently reading the writings of Whitney’s Famous sister Lindsay and famous mother Dessa.  We decided to gang up together and pollute you all with this lil game we call “guess what whitney’s wierd-y-isms” are:

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Did you have time?  Here are Whit’s Top Ten Wierd-Y-Isms in honor of Whitney’s birthday yesterday:
 
#10  if you lightly tap the back of her head her head bobbles back and forth like a bobble head!  It’s hysterical she is so dramatic!

#9 She has to have her food covered even if you are planning on eating it in a few minutes . . . hence the picture of the cupcake pan with frosting all over it (she decided to cover her birthday cake that had super wet frosting with a cupcake pan WHAT THE WHAT?)


#8  She has to travel with her own sheets so that she doesn’t sleep on anybody else’s sheets

#7  She constantly asks everyone that walks into the kitchen . . . “have you washed your hands yet?” It gets super duper annoying!

#6  She has to sit in a certain spot on the couch and if you are in her spot she won’t sit on the couch (that’s weird!)

#5  She has to know the plans way ahead of time or else she throws herself into a super panic attack.  She needs to plan ahead if her famous sister (Lindsay) is coming up on the weekends so she can “mentally” plan on it . . . I didn’t realize I was that hard to deal with!  You might recognize panic attacks in her upcoming blog posts as this coming Saturday I am planning a surprise birthday party in Salt Lake City for her and she is FREAKIN!

#4 She has an obsession with sticking anything really sharp IN HER EARS!  Including but certainly not limited to twigs, paper clips, dried spaghetti, toothpicks, cross stich needles, Q-tips but goes in just far enough to hit her eardrums numerous times!

#3  Have you ever heard a cow MOO? Then come on over and hear Whitney clear/scratch her ears.  We assume from her sharp objects in her ears she has to clear out her ears by mooing obnoxiously loud and it sounds just like a cow!

#2  DO NOT . . . I REPEAT DO NOT . . . use her computer!  My step boys will often times sneak onto her computer to “game” as we call it and she cannot use it without first taking time out in her room to regroup then she comes out armed with Clorox wipes and a face mask.  Thanks to her cuz Jen, she has been equipped her with sterilizing supplies to cope with moments like these.

#1  Wierdest of all is brought  you by her favorite and only brother-in-law Shayne. . . .She goes ballistic when Shayne uses her toothbrush!  (Now that’s selfish!)
 
We hope that you have enjoyed getting to know the weirder side of Whit!
 
We hope you all know Whitney has a great sense of humor and she enjoys our bantering so this was not meant to be rude.  Whit can be quite the entertainment and we love her!  We also love that she has just had her 33rd birthday!  SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHITNEY!  We have loved enjoying her “new self” and we look forward to many more enjoyable years to come!  What an added bonus!  LOVE YOU WHIT!
 
Lindsay & Dessa

Whitney’s Note:  BLASPHEMY, family… BLASPHEMY!!!  😛 

I prefer not to celebrate birthdays, but thanks for coming to dinner, Lindz, Shayne, Angie, Ryan, Corbin, Makayla, mom, and dad! 

Corbin and Lindsay creeping into the ice cream picture...

Candles are the best!

Cake? What cake? I didn't eat your cake!

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Who Chot Juanito Bandito!?

No, I didn’t spell chot wrong… if you’ve been to Pickleville Playhouse in Bear Lake and seen the melodrama/musical, Who Chot Juanito Bandito!? you totes know what I’m talking about.  Seriously, chotting all over the place up in that there melodrama.  Saturdee, we headed back to Bear Lake to partake in the play I hadn’t seen.  Loyal readers will remember I saw Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at Pickleville earlier in the summer, so of course I had to go back to see the 2nd prodcution since I could finally fit my receptacle into the seats and all.  It did not disappoint!  HILARITY reigns… that’s my review in the professional reviewer journal called Whitney’s Brain!  It had rapping, hip hop dancing, gun slinging, idiot cowboy marshall dudes, English reporters, Scottish blokes, and Juanito, the bank robber extraordinaire!  Plus it had Justin Bieber Fever jokes (Juanito is a Belieber) and mentions of Britney Spears.  Even though I was a big ole crank with a capital CA-RANK (more about my ca-rank status tomorrow), I still did my fair share of laughing.  So, to sum it up… would TOTES recommend seeing the production.  Pretty sure they have it going on every summer down Bear Lake way, so grab you a ticket and dramamine (for the curvy drive through the canyon) and get you some laughter burning in!

Lindsay and Shayne hanging at the Pickle factory… with Madre and Padre glaring in the background… what part of the word smile, did they not understand!?

That would be Juanito’s backside at the end of the show.  Them ladies were hogging him up, so I could only manage to get a “chot” of his rear receptacle.  I went to school with the actor (TJ Davis) back in the olden days.  He was Mr. Popular, class president, basketball star, drama star, etc., etc., etc., you know… the usual mega talented folk from my possey!  😛

After the show, we headed to the Grease Factory… erm… I mean La Beau’s where we partook in some lard and sugar… just another notch on my all-you-can-eat weekend smorgasbord!  That there by Shayne’s arm would be bird doo… it was free of charge.

While waiting for dinner, I did some shopping on the clearance tables next door.  Since I’m a huge geek… erm… I mean Anne of Green Gables fan since the age of 5, I saw this little doll for only $2.99, and knew I had to add it to my hoarding collection.  Watch for me on a future episode of that there show, Hoarders… I’ll be the blimp with the surplus of things a 32-year-old girl should not own!  What up, Avonlea-ites!

Question of the Day:  What was the last play/production you saw?  Are you a musical geek?

 

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