Tag Archives: pants

I’ll Take The Biggest One You Have…

The saga of the pants continues.  If this keeps up, I’m going to have a whole dagnabbed pants soap opera to pitch to the networks.  As The Pantyhose Turn… Days of Our Pants… General Pants-pital… all destined to be major hits, don’t talk back to me!  Since I haven’t liked really any of the pants I’ve tried on in stores around town (they all fit… it’s just I am super self-conscious about the bane of my existence… no need to focus more attention on that sucker), I decided to go the online route.  Old Navy was my first stop and I got this huge-mongous box full of pants in the mail last week.

I have a history with clothing and sizes.  For several years I’d just have to order the largest size they had (in the extended sizes… which is one up from the plus sizes which is one up from the misses sizes which is one up from the people who wear sizes 0 through 3 which is one up from the invisible people section).  I just ordered the biggest size they had without thinking and without measuring and then crossed my fingers that it would fit.  Sometimes it would… a lot of times it wouldn’t, which is a horrible feeling when you can’t fit into the biggest size the catalog offers in the extended sizes!!  Not that many stores even offer extended sizes anyway, so I always had to purchase from specialty stores who specialized in making tents on the side.

Shopping Old Navy online a few weeks ago, I went right back to my tried and true, buy the biggest size they have in the pants section… truly not optimistic that I’d even be able to pull them up past my knees.

That just goes to show me how skewed my perception of myself is… and how I’m still stuck in the land of 530-poundville.  The pants, all of them, were too big… all of them were the regular jeans/nonstretchy pants that I’d never ever  been able to wear in the past, but I still couldn’t fathom that I’d be able to wear them… even 230+ pounds later.

I don’t know if a change in the way I see myself will gradually come as I get smaller… and I hope that it does… but at this juncture I still can’t see the changes in my body when I look in the mirror.  I think I’m a special case in that I had so much to lose that a lot of my bulk is hanging skin (TMI ALERT… oops warned you too late, didn’t I?) and so there is no real way to see any body shape under all that hanging flabness… which is frustrating on one hand… but on the other hand, I just need focus on the fact that I am lighter than I used to be.  I finally went and did my measurements for the first time in a year… there were inch to inches lost in pretty much every area… most notably the 5 inches off of both my waist and the bane of my existence… it’s shrinking… slower than a turtle at a Tar Convention… but shrinking nonetheless.  Sit down, shut up, and be patient…  Meanwhile, guess I have to return these pants and think about ordering smaller.  Brain space… work with me here!

Question of the Day:  What is your dream pants size?  The size you’d be happy at?  

Happy weekend, friends!  Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do… in prison!  😛

Advertisements

10 Comments

Filed under Nonscale Victories

I Was Going To…

So, I was going to write a post about how I went on a walk/jog last Friday evening.  I was going to, but I’m too tired.

I was also going to tell you about how while on my walk/jog I found a penny… and it made me smile but I left it on the ground for the next person to smile about.  I was going to, but I’m exhausted.

And then, I was going to tell you about how when I was walking/jogging I passed a group of kids with butterfly nets, fishing moss out of the pond.  I was going to, but I don’t really feel like it.

But then I was going to tell you about how when I was jogging, my too-big-for-my-britches pants fell down and my feet got tangled in the pant fabric and I tripped and went nearly flailing face first onto the sidewalk, but instead I caught myself and pretended it was on purpose… my jiggling move of the hour.  I was going to tell you that, but eh…

I would have told you about how when I was on my walk/jog after I nearly killed myself with the fabric of my pants, in the momentum of the near fall my shoe strap broke and my shoe went flailing across the sidewalk with nothing to hold it in place.  I was going to tell you about that, but…

I was also going to tell you about how when I was on my walk/jog after nearly killing myself with my pants’ fabric and flailing my shoe across the sidewalk, I had to limp all the way back home because I had on one rocking horse shoe with a super thick sole and one sock with a not-so-super-thick-sole… and people driving by most likely thought I was some one-shoed transient wearing a diaper.  I was going to tell you all that, but you know the drill.

Basically, the moral to all of this non-story non telling:  smile at pennies and butterfly moss and for goodness sakes… whatever you do…  don’t wear pants and don’t wear shoes… they only cause grief, pain, and transientness.  I think I made that pretty clear.

I was going to tell you all happy weekend… so… HAPPY WEEKEND!!  And thanks for being my transient pals.

11 Comments

Filed under Exercise

Jean-Tastic…

It turns out I’m still wearing the exact same pants I did nearly 240 pounds ago… EXACT same.  No joking around.  I have about 8 bajillion pairs of the same exact black, stretchy, elastic waist pants.  Dead serious.  They’re the same size I wore when I weighed 530 pounds.  Part of it has to do with the fact that they come with built-in elastic… there’s a LOT of give in elastic… you can wear them at pretty much any size and save moola in the process.  The other part of it is I have this really annoying bane of my existence apron extension that seems to require mucho camoflaugization… and if I wear a tighter pair of pants, I might as well just tape a fluorescent pink sign on my bane that says… LOOK AT ME… I”M GROTESQUE AND ANNOYING… and I GET JIGGY WIT IT WHEN SHE MOVES.  That was totally a disgusting description, but it’s the truth… and now I’m going to have 8 bajillion blog readers discretely trying to check out my stretchy pants/bane next time they see me in public.  Look away from the apron… I ain’t afraid to call the bane police!

Now it’s just getting ridonculous.  I have a hard time keeping the suckers up even with the built-in elastic and I usually end up pulling them up to my neck region just to give them enough time to inch their way down throughout the day.  Thankfully, they’ve never inched all the way down to my ankles in public.  I usually have a good grasp on how to pull the suckers up when they hit mid bane.  I’ve even resorted to safety pins and wearing tight undershirts just to give them something to hold themselves up with.  I think it’s time I find me a new pair of elastic-waisted black pant uniforms.  Durrrr… you think?

Last week I tried on a bunch of pants at the store… my least, least, LEAST favorite thing in this entire universe to do… LEAST… 2nd would be kidney stones… and 3rd would be getting beat up by Bieber Fever.  Of course, all the ones I tried were elastic waist and stretchy… but just for kicks and giggles, I also threw in a pair of jeans just to see how far up my thighs I could get the suckers.

I’m trying to remember the last time I wore jeans.  Jeans with an elastic band waist do NOT count… I’m talking jeans with no elastic whatsoever in any form on any orifice.  Just plain jeans.  I’m still thinking on how long it’s been… wait for it… I couldn’t tell you it’s been that long.  It had to have at least been 14 or 15?  Maybe?  I sat in the dressing room with a big ole silly grin on my face after I pulled on those nonelastic waist pants, buttoned, and zipped with no problem at all.  Of course, there was no way in Richard Simmons’ fanny pack I would have ever worn them in public… we’re talking about jumbo muffin top AND flashing neon arrows pointing to my bane.  Just the fact that they fit me was good enough for me.  Last year I tried on a pair just for fun and I couldn’t even get them on… even if weight isn’t being lost as fast… inches are coming off in some places… and that lights a fire under the rear for me to want to keep on moving forward… as if I had a choice anyway!

Question of the Day:  Do you have a favorite pair of jeans?  What brand is your favorite? 

17 Comments

Filed under Nonscale Victories