You know how when your dental hygienest recommends you to use a certain mouthwash, so you’ve been using it for years and you kind of love the way it makes your mouth feel all sparkly fresh? But then you know how years after you’ve been using this certain mouthwash every single day and then you go to a different dental hygienest who tells you that you shouldn’t be using that mouthwash because it has alcohol in it and alcohol is damaging to your teeth… and blah, blah, blah. You know? No one? coughcoughNOONECAREScoughcough. The new dental hygienest recommended a different kind of mouthwash to use because it’s alcohol-free and the dentist uses it too… and to boot IT’S PURPLE!!!! I’ve been using the new mouthwash now for the last month… and I have to say I HATE it with a passion of 72 cumquats! You know how when you get some rotten mothballs out of the attic, soak them in a pint of water, and then drink the water… THAT there is how this mouthwash tastes… NASTY! But I bought the huge bottle of it and dental hygienests are NEVER wrong (scratch the first one off the list)… so use it I will. In the meantime… DISCLAIMER: I’m a professional mothball eater, do not attempt mothball water at home…
In other equally as non-fascinating news, last week was record-breaking idiot making on my part. I mentioned last week I had 4 proctored tests to take due to my procrastination skillz and general lack of motivation to read anything textbook in the summer. I’m on a strike… it’s called Idiots Striking Common Sense. I’m not only a member, I’m the club president. So I pulled off late study nights and constant nightly reading sessions and by the end of the week I was spent and the teenage students running the proctored testing center all knew me by name. And to think finals week isn’t for 2 more weeks! Get used to it teenagers… Whitney is geezering her way to your center at least 6 more times in the next 3 weeks! Y’all celebrate my geezer teenagedom! Also, physics still sucks but they just discovered gravitational waves this year so I mean we’re living in a totes exciting physics time right now… and by exciting I really mean… SNORRRREEEEEE! Let me know when they discover sugar that isn’t sugar but still tastes like sugar! Momma wants a dagnabbed non-sugar-free sugar cookie with frosting and sprinkles and maybe a brownie with real chocolate frosting. Get on that physicists… make your mark in the world of Whitney’s Excitements! Did I mention it’s day 71 of sugar-freeness? Good. This week’s temptations included the aforementioned sugar cookies and a frigging chocolate sheet cake that I almost buried my entire face into.
PS – Happy Pioneer Day, Utah! I hope your celebrations include sugar and maybe a firework or three!
PPS – Happy 16th birthday to my nephew, Ethan tomorrow! Laws almighty… 16 already!? The roads of Utah welcome you to the driving club!
Baby BoBo knows he’s the coolest dude in school… him and hims glasses and gap teeth! You go, my baby!
Oh look… here’s my goodest pal, Harley! Meanwhile, Harley could not be less enthused!
Floor boy is no more. Insert sadface. However will I make it through the entire Spanish class without such entertainment!? He didn’t go without parting words, though… which the teacher actually typed up and included in her lecture during the next class… apparently he had that much pull. They were something to the effect: Remember: The word “burro” in Spanish means both donkey and ironing board. Don’t be like me and picture ironing on a donkey during the test. Also, don’t be like me and give up. I think those words came too late for most of us burros. We started the class with 20 students total. As of this typing, we have a grand total of 7, including myself! Either I need to take 3 showers a day because they can smell me all over the state of Utah or this class be too much work and studying for the state of Utah. I’d tend to agree… Español es muy dificíl. Tambíen Whitney no es muy inteligente. I took my mid-term this past Monday and wracked my brain so hard for 2-1/2 hours I’m pretty sure all the cranium fluid is gone… never again to be replaced! Whatever happened to open book tests for geezer college students? Scientifically, I’ve been losing brain storage space since I was a baby… what with all the new things crammed in the thing. I have a whole section of brain dedicated to jelly bean flavors, for crying outloud!
As a gift for completing my mid-term on the first day of spring break, the lovely parking police gave me a ticket and a bunch of attitude. Oh no you just didn’t! Spring break usually means no students on campus and a lot fewer teachers who need parking spaces… and the lot I parked in was large and completely empty when I parked in it… with a total of 3 cars when I returned. Of course I wore my stanky, I’m-so-annoyed-at-you face the whole time I was paying for the ticket. See if they ever give me a ticket on spring break again! Note to self: Don’t tempt fates… park at home and walk 3 miles.
In other recommendations… I went to the movie, McFarland, USA this weekend! What a charmingly, inspirational true story. I’m a sucker for a true story. Of course it was the predictable inspirational sports movie… hard-working dudes who no one thought could amount to anything, eventually win… blah, blah, blah… and the peasants rejoice! But, those are the kinds of things that bring out the goose pimples and the rooting for the underdog in a person… or maybe it’s the swelling music that does it for me. Go root for Danny Diaz, the slightly overweight runner who whooped the more fit boys on the hills… or Thomas Valles, the head-strong, overworked runner extraordinaire! Your heart will swell three times larger that day! All the burros in the land agree!