Tag Archives: Utah

Lard-abration…

I’ve decided that no matter how hard I try, I will forever have stuck in my head the notion that food is linked with celebrations and fun.  I mean, it’s a national passtime for our whole country really.  What’s the most important thing about a get together/party?  The food.  What do we have to serve to get people to come to a wedding and bring a gift that doesn’t contain a lump of coal?  Uh… cactus?  Negatory… food.  Everything and their mother revolves around what we’re going to eat.  I guess that makes sense on a lot of levels.  I mean, we have to eat to live right?  We eat several times a day… as my grandma used to say at breakfast… What are we eating for dinner dear?  

But, we’ve even taken that to a new level.  Somehow I get into my tightly wound noggin that some occasions should be free for alls.  Throw out every single thing you’ve ever learned about moderation in all things and eat the entire cruise ship whilst on vacation.  I think that was the Titanic’s problem… some person ate a chunk out of the floor boards when they ran out of waffles at the buffet.  It’s like a right for me to order the most unhealthy thing on the menu because I’m on a birthday weekend getaway extravaganza of lard sauce.  Sure it’s okay to indulge here and there.  I think it’s really unhealthy if we don’t do that.  There needs to be a healthy relationship between a person and their food, and I don’t think constantly restricting certain food items is going to do the job long term.

Miss Vague-y Titanic Floor Boards is on her Vaguey rants again.  What does this all mean?  It means I’m sorting out in my brain the best way to deal with such problems in the future.  This past weekend I went to Midway, Utah for my annual birthday trip (apparently I’m celebrating all month since it’s not my birthday yet).  Usually during my annual birthday trip I give myself permission to not count a single calorie and just enjoy myself.  I think that’s reasonable… but then I went and decided I was joining the Lard Sauce Convention and took it to another Lard-abration Level purposely ordering the lardiest item on the menu because I dagnabbed deserved it instead of being reasonable and choosing one of the healthier options.  Oh learning curves… you rarely work with food.

I think it’s safe to say I blame Ronald McDonald for all of these problems.  Him and his flouncy unnaturally red hair and floppy shoes.  Big Mac my rear patookus!

Uhhhh… where do I buy the carb seed and why did I not know these existed?  Also, I’m pretty sure when I start planting carb seeds my black thumb will automatically be turning green!  CARBS!

Totally my spirit animal.  CARBS!!

In case you were wondering… this family exists.  Giganturan and Teeny.

This is what happens to Plumpy the Penguin after a long night of drinking…

At least he thought to take his hat off first.

T

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Carrie Underwear…

Suck it… I’m 12.  I call her Carrie Underwear because then I can giggle like a 12-year-old at a Bieber Fever concert!   She said underwear!!  Tee hee hee… hee hee hee hee hee…  I had almost forgotten that I’d purchased Carrie Underwood tickets many moons and eons ago.  It’s nice having little surprises of your former life of not feeling as cash-strapped (but still cash-strapped… let’s face it).  The concert was this past Wednesday in West Valley City… The Maverik Center!  Woot!  Adventure’s first stop!  

We had 19th row on the floor… which was cool and all, except dances-like-a-freakzoid chic and personal-bubbles-are-not-in-my-vocabulary chic also had a seat on the 19th row.  It wouldn’t have been a problem if Madre had just embraced the backpack in her lap instead of rolling her eyes back into her skull-ium every 5 seconds when personal-bubbles-are-not-in-my-vocabulary chic sat it on her lap!  Seriously, Madre… here’s my briefcase I brought to a concert… would you mind holding it!

The opening act?  Hunter Hayes… the 17-year-old wonder child of talent.  He had more talent in one of his hair follicles than I do in my whole dagnabbed fat flab!  I think he plays every instrument known to man and boy can sing!  Ironically, I saw him on one of the late night talk shows about 10 years ago before he was ever known to anyone.  He was like 5 years old and was singing and playing the accordion like a pro!  Imagine my non-surprise when 10+ years later he popped up as a legitimate country singing superstar!  The girls in the audience (at least those 18 years old and under) were having a swoon par-tay.  I would have joined in, except then I’d been arrested for being a disgusting old woman at a Bieber Fever concert!

To hear an excerpt of my favorite Hunter song, Wantedcheck out a recording I made… legitimately creepy old woman sauce!!

After Hunter’s set, they had an intermission while they reset up the stage for Carrie and personal-space-bubble chic took off her shirt and reapplied same shirt like it was a dressing room at Walrus Land.  Thankfully, she was wearing a tank top under… that would have just been awkward!

Carrie is legitimately classy fabulous… plus she had like 4 million costume changes (OFF STAGE PERSONAL BUBBLE SPACE CHIC), each outfit containing more sequins per square inch than Dolly Parton’s closet at Dollywood.  I’ve been to my fair share of country concerts… most of the folk (especially the men) come out dressed in a ratty old T-shirt they probably slept in the night before and holey jeans that were washed last May.  Carrie brought out the prom, yo!

I’ve mentioned this before on this blog.  But there are 3 different kinds of musical artists out there… there’s your dances-better-than he/she-sings artist, there’s your singer, and then there’s your SANGER (aka SANGS the patookus off of everything)!  Carrie is definitely a SANGER!!  And generally, I only sprout out the money to go to concerts for SANGERS!  Not that the other 2 categories don’t have good musicians/entertainment, it’s just that concerts are expensive and I have to pick my SANGING dance card.  I appreciate a great, great voice!   And it amazes me that she has such a powerful voice, having to sing at top form every night for like 2 hours… my voice would be SHOT!  I’d sound like a smoker hacking up a lung for 2 months straight after one night of that level of sanging!

I had to post this picture because of the background.  Carrie is a vegetarian (she may be a vegan), you go girl and your veggie burger sign!  I see it!  Ironically, when this came up there were several chics in the row in front of us eating cow hyde burgers… Carrie was all like… come to my place!

This was one of the cooler parts of the concert.  Carrie and 3 of her band members were on this levitating stage that traveled the length of the hockey arena.  Of course, we are gloom and doomers and Madre was sure the cables would break and we’d have a mass death on our hands!  At one point they threw out giant bouncy beach balls into the audience and then confetti rained from the ceiling… PAR-TAY!  It goes to show you how uptight I am when my first thought was… I’m glad I don’t have to clean up this mess!   I took the following video of the beach balls, the confetti, and Madre looking like she was having a blast of a time… in prison!

Super fun concert, SANGER Carrie!   Nice to meet you personal-bubble-space chic… NOT!!!  Next time we’ll put you in a sound proof booth with a hook for your backpack/brief case!

If you’re interested… here are a few excerpts I videoed from the concert!

Jesus Take the Wheel

I Told You So

And the following, Blown Away… complete with actual tornado action!

Question of the Day:  Are you a Carrie Underwear fan?  Favorite song?  

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Aladdin’s Hairspray…

I mentioned in Tuesdee’s post that I went to St. George, Utah this past weekend…since we live in Northern Utah and St. George is in Southern Utah it’s like a 6-hour drive and boy were Lindsay and Madre complaining a crab in a hailstorm about the drive.  They are so averse to all things driving long distance it’s not even normal.  No one in this joint is normal.  It makes me feel better about my non-normalness.

The purpose of the trip was to go see the musicals playing at the Tuacahn Theater.  A little outdoor theater tucked back amongst the red rocks.  We’d actually purchased the tickets MONTHS ago… way back before I turned into a poor miserly mouse-like creature.    First up… Aladdin:

I gotta say I wasn’t too hyped to see Aladdin.  I wasn’t a huge fan of the Disney cartoon on account of the fact that I didn’t really love the music.  Sue me… I’m a SNOB!!  I promise you I tried my best not to make too much of the fact that the actor who played Aladdin spent the first half of the play with his pants split up the back.  I think they’d tried to fix it with safety pins, but every time he ran or jumped (which was the whole first half), I got a glimpse of white underroos.  That was very distracting… I’m just saying.  Disney was not impressed!

Sister Lindsay, Shayne, and nephews Christian and Ethan standing in front of the stage.   It was a fun show… they even had a 3D section where we had to wear 3D glasses to watch part of the play.  The Genie pretty much rocked the kabash of hilariousness… but I was underwhelmed with the rest of it.  Ironically, we took a poll at the end of both plays and this was the nephew’s favorite of the two.  I had a stick up my butt apparently!

Y’all… did y’all know that Jasmine had a GOATEE!!?!?!?!?  For serious she does!

The next night… Hairspray!

Dudes… I loved Hairspray!  LOVED it.  I had seen the movie and loved the movie and knew the music and loved the music, so that helped.  But it’s just a fun, boppy, happy, busy, hilarious production with heart and a life lesson.  The subject matter was right on target with yesterday’s blog post topic as well.  It don’t matter what’s on the outside, be it weight, skin color, etc., everyone deserves a chance.  Don’t be a bully!   The dude who played the mom (for those unfamiliar with the show, the mom is played by a male actor in women’s clothing… it was John Travolta in the movie version) I sooooo recognized.  I was having major deja vous.  Reading the program it turns out he was once a cast member on the sketch comedy show, Mad TV, Paul Vogt.  There it is!  I knew I wasn’t going that cray cray.

On the way back to the hotel, nephew Ethan and Madre got the giggles whilst making up an alternate version to the closing song, You Can’t Stop the Beat.  Pretty sure tiredness and delirium set in because every other lyric was about shooting someone… and then they’d giggle for 20 minutes about it.   Something about,  You can’t shoot your poppa or you’ll pop-a his head.   Now your mother and your brother and your sister are dead and you’re dreaming about a chicken head that tastes good between bread.  

Y’all… get on the horn with Ryan Seacrest, yo… Seacrest out!

Question of the Day:  Have you seen Aladdin or Hairspray (plays or movies)?  Which song(s) are your favorite?  Any Utahites been to Tuacahn?

 

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The Luckiest Unlucky Person in the Universe!!

That would be me!  I made vague mention of achiness in yesterday’s post… to cement my doo hickey durr butter status, here is the story.  We drove to St. George this past weekend in Southern Utah, which would have been cool and all but the stars of doom and clutzitis followed me down that way and made sure they made their presence known.  I ain’t even joking around.  They hid themselves beneath one of my fat flabs and got nice and comfy until they could make their September debut… they come out at least once a month.

All was somewhat well (according to my lowered level of well anyway) until early Sunday morning when a few of us decided to go on a hike.  It was early due to the fact that St. George is a desert and still gets up into the mid to late 90s in the day time.  Who wants to swelter to death in the desert!?  I mean besides a super model.  The hike went okay on the way up.  I skipped trying to scale the slippery flat rock part of the process.  Something about gravity and weight and clutziness and because it was the smart thing to do.  That and every time I tried to walk up it I’d immediately slide back down to the bottom.  PASS!

On the way back down from the hike, not 100 yards from the car, my ankle turned and I went flailing head first like a torpedo at an all-you-can-smoke rock concert.  As I was lying there picking red dirt from my nostril spaces, I was most amazed that nothing felt broken.  My ankle hurt, my side hurt, my pride hurt, but nothing was broken.  I got up and hobbled my way to the car, thanking my lucky nostril hairs.

Not 2 or 3 hours later on a set of cement stairs, taking pictures of sister Lindsay’s family, I stood up from sitting on a stair, got all discombobulated, forgot I was on stairs, missed a stair and went head first flailing and skidding my way down 3 or 4 stairs.  I sat there with my nose pressed against the pavement for longer this time… because I was shocked at my idiocy level… TWICE in the space of 3 or 4 hours?  REALLY!?!?  When I finally came to, I swore… helled and damned all over the place (the nephews were tres impressed)… now instead of hobbling on my left ankle, my right knee was jacked up and I felt like a Mack truck had drug me behind it along the freeway for 12 hours.

And today… well, today on the day after, I feel 99 years old.  Bending, walking, putting a dagnabbed shirt and deodorant on… PUTTING PANTS AND SOCKS ON… all not possible due to my creakitis.  I also take 18 hours to walk up a flight of stairs on account of the fact that I have to do one at a time whilst leaning against the wall.  Is this what it feels like to get old and decrepit?  Whiplash is a real thing, yo!  Meanwhile, if anyone needs me I’ve reserved a room in the nursing home/psychotic ward.  If they let me take my strait jacket off once a day, I’ll be sure to answer the phone.  And that’s the story of how I garnered the title of Luckiest Unlucky Person in the Universe!  How many nearly 300-pound folk can go flailing around face first several times in a day and still be unbroken?  I rest my case!

Question of the Day:  Have you ever face planted?  Broken any bones?

 

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Filed under Exercise, Family

Happy Fridee!

Yeah FRIDEE!!  My favorite day of the week unless I work weekends… then my favorite day of the week is sugar cookie day at the Grist Mill!  😛  KIDDING… but not really kidding… you gotta taste their sugar cookies!  Meanwhile, back on the sane train, you will all be happy to know that I took my rumpitis to the Wally World tonight and I bought me some crash test dummy head gear.  I even tested it out by bashing my head against the door frame a few times.  Skull didn’t crack… helmet is still intact.  Purchase worth it!  I had to choose between a pink one and a red/white/blue one, so of course I chose the former… only to get my reciept and find that it was a MEN’S helmet!  No matter… I ain’t driving around in no pink brain bucket.  Nope… leave that one for Jem and the Holograms (she’s truly outrageous… truly, truly, truly outrageous!)  I look even more attractive wearing a bucket whilst pedaling… the fat girl on the small bike with the looks-too-small-for-her bucket on top of her head.  Phone the press… they’ll need a picture of this one!  But they’ll have to catch me first… I’m totes zooming 0.25 mph up them hills on a good day.  I’m figuring the camera dude could just stand still for 10 minutes while I’m pedaling up the hills and then still be able to reach out his arm and touch me.

In other news… Mission:  Uncage the Singing Bird  has pretty much been sitting where I left her last week… She is totally in need of a good cage cleaning and some flying practice, but we’ll make that a priority for next week!  PROGRESS will be had!  How are the rest of you doing on your goals?  Are you killing it?  I hope so.  Teach me a thing or two… then bring your ball bat over and you can take turns hitting me in the head with my new fangled bucket on!!!  Testing it out… one ball bat at a time!

The following You might be from Utah if… has been flying around my email a lot lately… and Facebook too!  So, I’m fixing to see how many of them apply to me.  Crossing my fingers that it says I’m actually from Rhode Island!!  😛  I’ll bold the ones that I think apply to me and then make snarktastic comments at the right of them in italics!

You might be from Utah if…
 
You keep your clothes in “Chester Drawers.”  – What!?!?!  They are seriously not called that?  My chester drawers totes need to be cleaned out!
You don’t pronounce T’s in the middle of words. (Moun’n, Lay’n)
You think a “G” at the end of a word is silent. (You comin’ in fer dinner?) – Yah, I talk like a hick… you got a problem with that?
You know what Fry Sauce is made of.   You totally aren’t a good Utahn if you don’t know mayonnaise and ketchup mixed is fry sauce!
You go to the duck pond to feed the Seagulls.
Green Jell-o with cabbage mixed in doesn’t seem strange. – Are you kidding me?  My grams used to put her whole vegetable crisper in the Green Jell-o mold!
You can pronounce Tooele.  – I’ll give you a hint… it does NOT rhyme with Cruelly!
The U is not just a letter – Neither is the Y. – Rivalary!  What about the A…
You have actually eaten funeral potatoes. – Side note… you don’t have to be at a funeral to eat these gloriously heavenly potatoes… but you’re funeral might happen soon after if you eat them too often!
You’ve gotten both heat and frost burns off your car’s door handle in the same month! – Bwahahahahaha… That’s still happening in June!
You are not surprised to hear words like “Darn, Fetch, Flip”, “Oh, My Heck” and “Shoot” – My sister and I used to have a contest to see how long it would take before we’d get grounded for using the word “Dam”… We’d be like… can we go to 3rd Dam and sit by the dam trees and the dam rocks and the dam grass and eat a dam hot dog.  Oh, we thought we were a flipping HOOT, durnit all to fetch! 
Your tulips get snowed on three times after they come up and twice more after they bloom. – I only have one tulip, but she’s a sturdy little bugger!
The largest liquor store is the state government.
You can go skiing and play golf on the same day.
30% humidity is muggy and almost unbearable.
You know the difference between a ‘Steak House’ and a ‘Stake House’.
You’ve broken down on the highway and somebody stops to help you.
You can see the stars at night. – My tradition every 4th of July after the fireworks… set up the camp chair, sit in it and stare up at the stars… GLORIOUS!
You were an aunt or uncle before you were three.
You have more children than you can find biblical names for.
Your family considers a trip to McDonald’s a night out.
You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national holiday.
You drink Coke from a brown paper bag.
At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.
There is a similarity between a ward basketball game and the L.A. riots.
You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
You negotiate prices at a garage sale.
You can make Jell-O salad without the recipe.
You’ve heard about BYU football in a testimony meeting.
You have two gallons of ice cream in your freezer at all times.
Your father-in-law thinks Ronald Reagan was a liberal.
A member of your family wrote in Lavell Edwards for president in the last election.
Sandals are the best-selling shoes.
You buy your wardrobe at the local grocery superstore.
Schools stay open, even if two feet of snow falls overnight, but closes for the opening of hunting season. – Bwahahahaha… I used to get MAD that we’d never get snow days at school.  I think the whole 13 years I went to school, we had one snow day and that was because our bus got stuck trying to go up a hill. 
People wear shorts and T-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees.
People wear socks with their sandals. – Oh, my dad is the poster child for this look… specifically argyle socks pulled up mid thigh and sandals with bright orange velcro. 
The most popular public transportation system is a ski lift.
In-state college football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl.
You don’t have to breathe cigarette smoke until you walk outside the building.
Every driveway has a minivan and a pickup truck.
When you buy a new vehicle, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but ski racks are standard.
Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood, the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher.
Your paycheck has an additional 10 percent deduction.
More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood.
You make a toast with red punch at your wedding reception.
You have more raw wheat stored than some Third World countries.
Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of Pepsi and a PG-13 movie.
You and all your friends come to your mother for a haircut in her kitchen. – Awww… the good ole Madre haircut days!  Sorry, Madre but too many bowl cuts and granny doos, and I had to fire you!
You measure Kool-Aid by parts per million.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Utah.

Not too bad… looks like I actually do hail from Rhode Island!  😛  I’ll get my tax forms from there next time! 

Hope everyone has a splendid weekend.  Do something for yourselves, stop to smell the roses, and eat chocolate!  Those are the only requirements!  Now, off with ya’!   Thank you for reading… see you back in town on Mondee… same place, different topic!

I've always coveted this house... quaint, old-fashioned, and on a beautiful spread of land. Next time the owner gives it away for free, I'm totally handing in my application!

Question of the Day:  What state are you from?  Using the above examples, how do you know you’re from there? 

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