Twelve Miles of Nonsensical Ramblings…

I had this thought that my first (almost) half marathon would be like I was Rocky… all running victoriously across the finish line after looking like a dagnabbed warrior with perfect hair and makeup the whole way through.  That’s exactly what happened… in my head… and no one could tell me otherwise because I only listen to the voices in my head.

What follows is a glimpse inside my head during 12 miles of agony!

Mile 1

Oh what a beautiful morning… oh what a beautiful day… I’ve got a beautiful feeling… everything’s going my way.  

Because there was always a song running through my head… ALWAYS.  I brought my iPOD, but I never used it because I was too weakened to get it out of my pack and turn it on.  Effort… not on my side.  Do you want me to do things with my hands or my feet… one or the other… this is not a package deal!

Mile 2

As you can plainly see, my shoes broke.  The best ones I had too.  😛  Actually, I fought with myself on which shoes I should wear to attempt this thing.  The rocking horse shoes (aka shape-ups) won out because I was concerned about my plantar fasciitis flaring and ain’t no way anyone is happy with that bugger flaring!  I soon found out how dumb an idea it was to wear rocking horse shoes, whose sole purpose is to tone and shape your calve muscles and your rear receptacle muscles… my calves started cramping 8 miles in… they were on fire!!!   Call the fire department… except not really.

Mile 3

#*$*@)(($#*)@#()… insert expletives!!!  The wrist holder I was using to carry my camera with broke and the camera busted… it was all bent out of shape and refused to turn on.  I spent the next 9 miles saying every few feet… Gee… if my camera didn’t break I could have taken a picture of that.  

The last picture before the breakage was not of me, thank all that be holy hallelujah!  I’ve always said that’s the reason I don’t take many pictures… fear of breaking the camera!  Instead, it was this one…

Myth, myth, myth… it ain’t just ugly that breaks your picture takers!   I buried good ole cammy in the backyard… you served me well… on occasion… but only since September, so actually you’re still under warranty, but I’m pretty sure the warranty doesn’t cover some doo hickey dropping it on the ground!  Would they go for, it was spontaneous combustion?

Mile 4

If that horse wasn’t dead, he’s the first horse skilled in the art of deep meditation.   Madonna would be proud.  

Theme song at this juncture… Froggy went a courtin’ and he did ride, uh huh uh huh.  Froggy went a courtin’ and he did ride, uh huh!

Don’t ask me why… insanity knows no bounds!

Mile 5

I’m eating pancakes when I’m done.  Pancakes with syrup served by a lady named Betty Crocker with her good friend Aunt Jemima.  

Mile 6

My ankles were going to fall off… pretty sure it had to do with the fact that my rocking horse shoes were walking on the side of the road, slanting to the side for so long… so we traded sides of the road and then my other ankle started aching.  Can’t win for losing.  It was at this juncture that I also sat my butt on a bench in front of my alma mater (Sky View High)… and had to practically use shockwave therapy to get my butt back up off the bench.

Mile 7

I started hallucinating at this point… mile 7 happened to be up a big ole long hill, like 18 miles long, which would only make sense if I actually walked 18 miles.  Carry on.

My favorite phrase at this point, which Madre quickly grew tired of… I swear to you… if I find out via this HRM that I only burned 10 calories, I’ll go batcrap crazy around town.  Don’t try to reign me in, either!  

Mile 8

Chicken convention… seriously.  Two white tents set up with 8 bajillion chickens and roosters pecking around… knowing my history of bird run ins, I crossed the street…  Pretty sure I could hear the chickens telling that famous joke they’re so fond of…

Why did the idiot human cross the road?  

Mile 9

I keep bleeding keep keep bleeding love… I keep bleeding… keep keep bleeding love… Except I changed the words to:  I keep heaving keep keep heaving up… I keep heaving… and then it was… my ache aching ache ache aching feet… my ache aching ache ache aching feet.  

I ran out of pride by mile 9… plopped myself right down on some person’s cinder block in their front yard… which would have been comfortable, except it was absolutely not… felt more like I was sitting on a piece of cement with 2 holes in it… oh, wait…

I’m sure they were looking out the window all like… where the crap did this hobo come from and is she moving in?  But she sure looks good running!  😛   Texted cuzzin Jen to drive 3 hours from Rexburg to bring me a bottle of Jack Daniels and a case of Percocet.  She declined… the NERVE!!!

Mile 10

THE AGONY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I passed a cemetery and if I’d have had a shovel, I’d have totes took a nap.  They also were setting up for a graveside burial, putting chairs out and such… SO TEMPTING!!  But I restrained myself and hobbled my broken down legs away from it.  Imagine some poor unsuspecting family wondering which side I was from… looked like a rat just come in from the sewer grate.

Mile 11 

Insert every body part into the following sentence… Oh, my aching ___________ !!!!!

At this point I was also cursing the fact that I never perfected walking on my hands.  Think of how “hand”y that would have been… bwahahahahahaha… get it?  After having been asked by Madre for the last 5 miles if I was ready to call in the backup transportation and having said no every time… I finally consented to taking the shortcut… this is where my 13 miles became 12.

Mile 12

Pretty sure at this point I was just rambling just to make sure I was still alive.  Quoted most of the lines from Anne of Green Gables, including something about being Kindred Spirits with the magpies.  Also, wondered aloud if Madre had brought a wagon in her back pocket that I could ride the rest of the way in.  Literally had never been so happy in my entire lifetime to see my house… and to know that there was ibuprofen and a couch on the other side of the door… and a shower!  But mostly ibuprofen.

Question of the Day:  What brand of shoes are your favorite?

I Am Insane… You Already Knew That… But Now It’s Official!

Black Friday… aptly named because it’s like a funeral… you wear black to a funeral to mourn the dead… I wore black to Black Fridee to mourn my sanity!!!!!!  I ain’t lying.  The sanity flew into one of those psycho women’s carts and left with her in the night… and no… I wasn’t the chiquita with the pepper spray in a CA Wally World.  Not me… good try, though!

For some dagblasted reason, I attended Black Friday sales.  I should know better.  I worked at K-Mart just out of high school for 5 years… and worked every Black Friday of those 5 years.  I witnessed people shoving people out of the way to get in through the doors at 5:00 a.m., fist fights that needed to be broke up, some woman ramming a dude with her cart because she wanted the last toaster oven.  I was always so embarrassed for those so called “adults.”  So, when I no longer had that retail store job, I vowed I’d never attend another Black Friday again for as long as I lived.

I lied… what’s new? (This lying thing has become a recurrent blog topic.)

Sister Lindsay and BIL Shayne just so happened to need a new camera.  They saw a dandy one for a good price in the Wal-Mart ads.  Madre and I decided to tag along.  We get there at 11:30 p.m. (most sales started at midnight) to 8 bajillion and 20 people already hovering around various pallets that were saran wrapped until some unlucky Wal-Mart worker had to go into the lion’s den at midnight and tear the suckers off.  Sucks to be you, Wal-Mart worker… hope you have good medical insurance when the pack of wildabeasts attack and trample.   Wading through all of those people was like a fat chic trying to make her home in a can of sardines… I tell you what.  Claustraphobia was on high alert!

It’s so funny how these things work.  I had no idea what any of the crap people were standing around was… none of us did.  All we knew is that we were there to get a camera.  Yet, when the clock struck midnight and that saran wrap was torn off, I turned into some psycho shopper person, shoving my way through the crowd just to say I got one of the items they were standing around.  When I surfaced from the crowd, I had an armful of stuff I’d never have needed if these psycho people hadn’t told me I needed it…blu-ray players (2 of them because I could), hard drives, speakers for iPods, movies I would have never watched in my lifetime… an ugly red sweater with a reindeer eating a bowl of fruit cake knitted on the front.   You know… stuff Hoarders buy!

When we finally got home at around 1:30 in the morning, I had thankfully ditched the blu-ray players and most of the movies… but I still walked out with a portable hard drive for picture and music storage!  Now, to figure out how to get it out of the box!  😛

An hour of sleep later and we were up again… Lindsay needed to buy 30 poinsettas for a church party she was throwing… I did not exaggerate… I said THIRTY!  THey were 99 cents each and the limit was 10 per person, so Madre and I had to pretend we didn’t know Lindsay and buy 10 each.  That was totes worth getting up at 4:30 in the morning for… TOTES!!

That’s a dagnabbed gaggle of poinsettas… a GAGGLE!  We drove those suckers home to make room in the trunk and then headed back out into the land of losers to buy half price socks and board games.  Then, to top it all off, I got talked into purchasing me a pressure cooker by a couple of MFP buddies (what up, Nammyl and Samerah!)  Quick, nutritious meals in minutes… why yes, I think I will.  Kitchen Kneads was having a sale on a Cuisinart model, and they didn’t open until 7:00 a.m.  Apparently, some weirdos were waiting in line since 2:30 to buy them one… so I missed out on the sleepover par-tay!  Now, I have me an electric pressure cooker, but I’m intimidated to high heaven to use it.  I’m not sure if anyone has ever done it, but I’m pretty sure that I can find a way to blow up the world via pressure cooker… it’s not in the instruction manual, but if there’s a way… Whitney will find it.

Question of the Day:  Do you Black Friday shop?  Any great deals? 

Ho ho ho… Merry Black Friday, Insane Whitney!