“Leap” Of Faith…

Happy Leap Year Day!  I’d normally hate an extra day in the winter months, but the weather is looking fairly decent with a high of 41 degrees, so I’ll shut up about it this time.  Take note of that Leap Year 4 years from now.

I saw the movie, Race yesterday.  It’s a true story based on the African American track athlete, Jesse Owens, who had to survive being a talented black athlete in 1930s American idiocy and also survive being a black athlete at the 1936 Berlin Olympics with the Hitler regime horror of horrors.  He had obstacles put on him from every angle, and yet he rose to every occasion… shut them all up… put his head down and pushed his way to glory.  What got to me most was his ability to tune out everything… all of the negative hate-filled people who were nothing more than noise and distraction… to get to his ultimate goal of greatness.  It was a great flick.  I’d recommend it.

It got me thinking about my worst enemy of all time… myself.  That enemy seems to be working overtime of late… hacking away at every moment of pride and self-worth I’ve ever tried to let myself feel.  It’s leaps and bounds away from what people like Jesse Owens went through on a daily basis, but it’s my reality and my life, so it’s something I take seriously.

It’s no secret that I’ve not maintained the weight I so diligently worked at for years.  In fact I’ve gained… a lot.  Not original highest weight a lot, I’m still quite a ways from that sphere of gross numbers, but give me a few years at this pace, and I’ll be back there and have surpassed that number for a new record.  I have nothing but disdain for my inability to squash my addiction.  It’s an all-consuming thing, food.  All-consuming!  If I’m not eating it, I’m thinking about it… if I’m not thinking about it, I’m usually stuffing down some emotion with it.  It’s something that I’m ashamed of and something I wish to all things holy, I could get rid of for good.  It takes a lot for me to stay in this “land of numbness” because numbness is so much easier to deal with than actually having to feel things, and it’s both sides of the feelings, the positive and the negative feelings, all intermixed into one big ball of NUMB!

I really have no idea what this post is about other than to say, I need to learn to tune out Whitney’s brain.  It’d be a lot easier if brain transplant surgery was a real thing so that I could borrow some health nut’s brain for a year or two.  I’d promise to return it just in time for swimsuit season.

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This post is depressing, so here’s some Baby BoBo and Brover E time cuteness:

Hi… I wearing my new swimmy suit:

 

Delightful “Die”ting…

NEWSFLASH… inform the church elders… I hate the word “die”t with like 8000 clown passions!  I’ve mentioned this fact several times, but it’s been a couple of years since I’ve ranted and raved over the dastardly word of doom and glumness!  Blugh!!  It’s right up there with the words moist and white chocolate (Soooooo NOT CHOCOLATE… but also not one word… I digress).  “Die”t sounds so restrictive and short-term and fairly imprisoning.  There’s nothing happy about the word.

GET TO THE POINT, rambling Rose.  Yesterday, I went to a class at Kitchen Kneads in town about healthy meal and snack ideas.  This is the 2nd healthy meal class I’ve taken this month because I like to attend things that keep health at the forefront of my mind… focus, focus, focus… and also so I don’t have to cook on Saturday.  The teacher handed out a packet of the recipes she’d be making and emblazened at the top in big block letters she’d typed: DELIGHTFUL DIETING!  I croaked right then and there.  Oh good… let’s see how many recipes we can make out of kale and seaweed spawn.  Blend ’em right up into a smoothie and then immediately run me over with a dump truck carrying a baby germ wheat plant.  I guess she doesn’t have the newest edition of Whitster’s Dictionary… the one where I removed the word “die”t and replaced it with calorizing.

Imagine my delightfulness whilst taster testing the recipes (it’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it) I discovered that all of them were stellarly delicious and would be things that I would actually look forward to eating.  I don’t think food that is healthy needs to be termed “die”t food.  You don’t have to eat weird pollum grubs and calla lily nuggets to lose weight.  You just have to be conscious about how much is going into your mouth.  That there is the rub!   Calorizers Unite!  I’m sharing the recipes below.  You can leave out the bloody finger stub the teacher had whilst cutting onions in the first dish.  She said she removed all the ones with the blood on them… but I still had to do deep cleansing germ-a-phobe OCD breaths to take a bite of it.

This one was my favorite!  Sweet and sour chicken… on the menu next week!

This one was second favorite.  An awesome way to get in a lot of veggies in one sitting!

You can serve this with the above veggie recipe!

It sounds extremely odd to add cottage cheese to egg salad sandwiches.  I was sure I’d hate it… but it was really good.  The 2nd recipe on this sheet… um… DELICIOSITY defined!

Lard-abration…

I’ve decided that no matter how hard I try, I will forever have stuck in my head the notion that food is linked with celebrations and fun.  I mean, it’s a national passtime for our whole country really.  What’s the most important thing about a get together/party?  The food.  What do we have to serve to get people to come to a wedding and bring a gift that doesn’t contain a lump of coal?  Uh… cactus?  Negatory… food.  Everything and their mother revolves around what we’re going to eat.  I guess that makes sense on a lot of levels.  I mean, we have to eat to live right?  We eat several times a day… as my grandma used to say at breakfast… What are we eating for dinner dear?  

But, we’ve even taken that to a new level.  Somehow I get into my tightly wound noggin that some occasions should be free for alls.  Throw out every single thing you’ve ever learned about moderation in all things and eat the entire cruise ship whilst on vacation.  I think that was the Titanic’s problem… some person ate a chunk out of the floor boards when they ran out of waffles at the buffet.  It’s like a right for me to order the most unhealthy thing on the menu because I’m on a birthday weekend getaway extravaganza of lard sauce.  Sure it’s okay to indulge here and there.  I think it’s really unhealthy if we don’t do that.  There needs to be a healthy relationship between a person and their food, and I don’t think constantly restricting certain food items is going to do the job long term.

Miss Vague-y Titanic Floor Boards is on her Vaguey rants again.  What does this all mean?  It means I’m sorting out in my brain the best way to deal with such problems in the future.  This past weekend I went to Midway, Utah for my annual birthday trip (apparently I’m celebrating all month since it’s not my birthday yet).  Usually during my annual birthday trip I give myself permission to not count a single calorie and just enjoy myself.  I think that’s reasonable… but then I went and decided I was joining the Lard Sauce Convention and took it to another Lard-abration Level purposely ordering the lardiest item on the menu because I dagnabbed deserved it instead of being reasonable and choosing one of the healthier options.  Oh learning curves… you rarely work with food.

I think it’s safe to say I blame Ronald McDonald for all of these problems.  Him and his flouncy unnaturally red hair and floppy shoes.  Big Mac my rear patookus!

Uhhhh… where do I buy the carb seed and why did I not know these existed?  Also, I’m pretty sure when I start planting carb seeds my black thumb will automatically be turning green!  CARBS!

Totally my spirit animal.  CARBS!!

In case you were wondering… this family exists.  Giganturan and Teeny.

This is what happens to Plumpy the Penguin after a long night of drinking…

At least he thought to take his hat off first.

T

Moderation In All Things… Twinkie…

If anyone needs me I’ve been accepted into the Sea World School of Seal Barking Exhibits.  I think I have a pretty good chance at becoming A+ at their language on account of the fact that I’m on week three of bronchitis/head congestion and have mastered said seal barking to the next level!  Pretty proud day, I must say!  Meanwhile, if anyone knows of anyone who would be able to slice a hole into my head somewhere, tip me upside down, and drain out all the goobers, I’d be there with Tinkerbells on.  One go-round of antibiotics hasn’t touched it and I feel like everyone would thank you for the service of peace and quiet… not just me.

In other news… I had a strange conversation in my Literature class last week.  I usually arrive a bit early and while I was sitting there with another student, also overweight, we began talking about “die”ts.  I didn’t bring it up… I don’t bring that subject up unless someone else does because A.) it can be construed as rude (are you saying I need to go on a diet!?!?) and 2.) It’s none of my dang business.  Also, I hate the word, “die”t as has been established approximately 12,000 times in the last 4 years.  Anyway, we got talking about how she was researching different diets to find which would be the best for her to start.  She asked which one I liked the best, to which I answered… NONE OF THE ABOVE!  Okay, okay… if you have to twist my arm I’d say Weight Watchers, only because it believes what I believe… moderation in all things.  But, WW brings with it bad memories of my 7-year-old self sitting in WW meetings with 3000 adults, so I won’t be using that method any time soon unless my fellow seal barkers take me there against my will.

I’m pretty stubborn on the moderation in all things method.  Pretty stubborn because I know it works… I’ve seen the most results of any of the bajillions of diets I’ve ever been on… and most importantly it’s common sense for lifelong success.  Here’s where some folks get confused (and I’ve been confused on many occasion including the last year or so), just because it’s moderation in all things does not mean that one should be able to eat 5 boxes of Twinkies and a keg of root beer everyday as long as one stays within their set amount of calories.  That ain’t moderation fellow seal barkers named Whitney!  It just means that life will happen and food is a part of life no matter how many darts we throw at it… so I can have a Twinkie here and there… and I can eat above my allotted calories here and there… and no food is off the table… no matter it’s fat or calorie content.  90% angel begets 10% devil… take that to the bank.

I do believe that what works for one person does not work for another person, and I respect that… everyone has to find out what works for them.  Moderation in all things is my gig.  And I’ll be stubborn about that until the seals quit barking.  Granted… if I wanted to become Miss Buff Body Builder Barker, I’d have to conform my eating to one of a body builders.  Since I want to be plain ole healthier Whitney with extra skin jiggles and cankles, I’ll go on eating in moderation.  So, girl from my Lit class… if you’re reading this… NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Side note:  I realize I talk about Twinkies like an excessive amount.  It’s like I’m in love with them or something.  I’d just like to clear up the confusion.  I actually do not like Twinkies, but their name is so cute and so I’ve decided to use them as a code word for food that is less nutritious and more indulgent.  Get my drift, Merle!?  Using Twinkies… one sentence at a time!

Mac And Cheese, Please…

I have that idiotic Christmas song from Biebster Fever playing on a loop in my noggin space.  I am going to go insane!  You know the one about the mistletoe and shawties hanging out underneath it?  Oh, the humanity!!!!  Not that I’m not already insane.  Why, just last week I went on a walk only to discover that I’d grabbed a pair of fluffy socks out of my drawer instead of the intended gloves… so, I wandered the streets for 45 minutes wearing socks on my hands.  You are welcome, psychiatrists who want my business!

Here are a couple of the dishes I just about died over last week…

This here is my favorite invention.  You take a can of no-salt-added diced tomatoes and mix it with a can of no-salt-added corn (drained) and no-salt-added pinto beans (drained).  Then, you liberally sprinkle cumin and chili powder, mix it up, throw it on a pita or a flat bread or whatever flips your dress in the air, and warm it up in the micro-oven…. Of course, no dish of mine would be complete without grape tomaters since I have an illness that requires me to eat them daily… shut up… it’s true…  Yummerified!

This was literally one of the best makeover,  lightened-up Mac & Cheese recipes I’d ever eaten.  It had so much flavor and it was gooey delicified!  I doctored it up because I don’t use Velveeta cheese spread (and instead used Velveeta shreds I found in the shredded cheese section).  Depending on how big the serving, this clocked in at between 350 and 450 calories… and was calorizing well spent!  For some reason, I enjoy eating peas with mac and cheese… most times I just stir them together and call it a smorgasboard… Mac and Peas with Cheese, Please!

Question of the Day:  Do you like macaroni and cheese?  Any favorite recipes? 

Turkey-Giving, Family, and Football…

Turkey-Giving is a time to be thankful (more on that in tomorrow’s post… if I’m less crankified), to be with family, and to eat like you won the Chuck-Up-Arama lottery.  This year, we were kindly invited over to my Uncle Phil and Aunt Melanee’s house in Ogden for Thanksgiving dinner.  I was told in advance to be on my best behavior, thus the reason I wore my favorite holey overalls with no shirt and a piece of hay sticking out my unbrushed tooth spaces.  Only the best for the family shindigs!  Yee Haw… where be the venison!?  I brung the roadkill!    

I tell you what… it was a feast of epic proportions!  There were 2 turkeys (a smoked and a baked one), of which I was told were vegetarian turkeys on account of the fact they ate brussel sprouts during their short but productive life… nice try Uncle Phil… say, I have a piece of ocean front property in Arizona I’d like to sell you.  There were potatoes and yams and stuffing and rolls and salads and veggies and corn and what am I missing… oh, pies!  There was food… let’s just put it that way.

Uncle Phil and one of his turkeys… that’s Aunt Mel in the background.  I’m very conscientious about taking pictures of people for my blog because I would hate to have my picture plastered around on anyone’s blog, so I tend to take pictures of things rather than peeps… that, and whenever I bring my camera out, there is a mass exit towards the door.

My task was a taxing one, bring the vegetable tray… cutting up those veggies took the skill of a samurai    Veggie trays are great for me, the vegetarian… but when you have so much decadent food to choose from, who is going to eat from the veggie tray?  For serious!  Needless to say, I brought home many vegetables.  Also, I hate referring to myself as a vegetarian in public places… because you know people are looking at you all gourded up like… yeah right… vegetarian my rear patookus!  More like an eat-everything-in-site-atarian!  To those people I say… SHOVE IT… don’t you dare touch my pie.

I was going for the turkey look (Pinterest idea), except it more turned out like a rainbow on account of the fact that I had none of the veggies the turkey tray required.

After dinner, someone came up with the idea that we should all head across the street to a field to play touch football…. bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha… ha… ha… ha!!   Sorry… random outbursts of insanity.  I’m also trying to remember the last time I played football… wait for it… NEVER!  Needless to say, as the most skilled football player, I was put on a team with Madre and Lindsay… the other 2 most skilled football players.  The other members of our team, cuzzin Micah, BIL Shayne, and Padre are great players… but we were like the 3 amigos of complete and utter chipped-my-nail-polish disasters!  The other team, on the other hand, was stacked with brilliant players… players whose pinkies could run circles around my entire body… fat blobules and all!  Y’all should have seen me… running, the wind flapping the bane of my existence in the breeze of nasty.  It was like poetry in motion, if poetry was written by Pee Wee Herman on a StairMaster.  All joking aside and despite the fact that every time Lindsay got the ball, she panicked and then immediately threw it to the other team, it was a fun time.  I’m glad they drug me out there, clutzy issues and all.  

Thank you, Uncle Phil and Aunt Mel for the hospitality and delicious food!  I’ll be sure to repay you in veggie trays… they’re my specialty!

Question of the Day:  How was your Thanksgiving?  Who did you spend it with?  Favorite Thanksgiving food?  

Madre’s job was to make the pies… a pumpkin, pumpkin pecan, and pear/cranberry torte we learned in our pie-making class!

RIP Twinkie…

Lettuce (bwahahahahaha… I always want to do that) take a moment of silence for my childhood pal, Hostess Cupcakes.

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Okay, that’s enough.

It’s been years since I’ve had any sort of Hostess sweet treat, but I remember eating them regularly as a kid.  They were definitely a factorer into my gaining of 530 pounds of blobules.  I remember when I was 14 and 15 years old riding my bike to the Aggie Station just to buy a stash of them without my mom knowing.  She followed me in her car one time without me knowing because she knew I never voluntarily went for the exercise thing at that age, and I was grounded for days after that one.  I can still see her standing there as I walked out of the gas station, stash in hand, her teeth about to draw blood on her bottom lip.  That was her mad face… and boy was it scurry to me.

So, I guess it’s a good thing for me to put that part of my past away.  Goodbye ole Hostess Bakeries.  I’m sorry for the loss of jobs to those who had them and I hope they can all find work elsewhere.

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I may or may not have had a blueberry theme for breakfast last week.  Frozen blueberries are always in season and for some strange reason they are also like double the cost of the frozen other fruit.  They must be an endangered species.  Or like the GOLD of the fruit world.

The muffins are a healthy version of a blueberry muffin… healthy because they are made with wheat flour and applesauce.  They were good.  I froze the suckers and took one out at a time each morning… and now I have enough left to eat for breakfast this week.   The link takes you to the recipe, which is only a single serving version.  I timesed everything by 12 and made 12 because that’s how many muffin tin holes I had available.  Also, Cuties… welcome back to my life.  This was a particularly delicious batch of the suckers… you can’t beat a good Cutie tangeriney thinger.

I’m sure I’ve blogged about Hawaiian Haystacks before?  Beuhler?  It’s amazing what things you can plop together into a bowl and it taste so dang good!  Fruit/vegetables… throw ’em in!  This particular haystack included tomatoes (duh), carrots, celery cheese, almond slivers, raisins, chow mein noodles, pineapple, rice, and cream of celery soup… Um… DELICIOUS!

Question of the Day:  What was your favorite Hostess/Wonder product?  Are you going to miss them? 

Christmas in November…

Saturday (a week ago tomorrow) was supposed to be Snowmaggedon 2012… THE HORROR!  The weather dudes were going on and on and on and on about how we should get prepared (by like taking karate lessons or something?) for the horridible snow totals we were going to get.  They estimated approximately 1-1/2 feet in the valley.  I was not happy since I pretty much despise anything cold and snow-like… unless it’s covered in cherry daquiris (as we’ve already established in previous posts).  It especially put a crimp in my plan to head to Salt Lake to attend this huge Christmas gift show they put on every year, advertise like crazy, and then I never end up going to because Snowmaggedon is always the same weekend!  Turns out, only the evil cities like Centerville and Bountiful, et al, got the big snow fall (tee hee hee hee… it was a joke… get off your ledge, people of Centerville).  We got like 3 inches… and a way-t00-cold-coldness that made me need to put an extra blanket on the bed.  I also had to pry my winter coat from hibernating in the smellerific coat closet and wash the sucker.

Instead, Madre and I stayed around the valley and attended much smaller gift shows… like the one at the grocery store, Smith’s for example.  They’d advertised the Christmas Open House, but when we got there they had a free sip of orange juice (no exaggeration on the sip) and a hardened piece of a cupcake…  ho, ho, ho… all in the name of Christmas!

That was a wash, so we headed to the Great and Spacious Building (I’m plagiarizing the name) to attend a Christmas Gift Show.  Turns out I immediately needed everything at the show… and I’d have bought pretty much everything if I’d have been able to steal Simon Cowell’s wallet.  A LOT of the show was nifty inventions… inventions that I suddenly couldn’t live without!  For example, there was this white powdery stuff (looked like cocaine, so of course I was right on it) that as soon as you poured water into magically turned into snow.  Not quite the consistency of snow but pretty cool feeling and cold!  I bought that because I do have a need to make snow for the backyard… said the idiot with the “can’t-say-no complex.”

Everywhere I turned someone else had something that obviously would make my life much better… in prison (that’s where I bought my Happy Feet).  For example:

Who doesn’t need a flower-like ornament made out of a Diet Dr. Pepper can… coughcoughDESSAcoughcough!?  The V8 one in the back was calling my name, except for the fact that I hate V8.  Then there were these butterflies:

Talk about trash to treasure!  I guess you could make more money making these than you could recycling the suckers!  Bring it!  There were other inventions that I bought, which I’m not going to spout about because there is a high possibility it will become someone’s Christmas present in the next few weeks… I’m just saying.  The only thing I didn’t pick up?

Don’t you just wanna eat his bejeweled little head!!  FOR CA-UTE!!!!

Question of the Day:  When do you start Christmas shopping?  Do you usually stay within your budget?  

PS- FatMas friends it be the weekend.  Stay strong, finish up all your points, and get ready to be accountable come Mondee!  Most importantly, though, have a fabulous weekend!

 

Food….

Here I am about to use that lame-wad word again… FOOD… I already mentioned I hate the sound of that word.  It’s so off-putting to my ear holes.  It’s like the words moist or jujubees.   A few of last week’s delectables:

Pumpkin Banana Muffins!  So, you have pumpkin and then you have bananas and they get married and become a muffin!  Sigh… so romantic!  I actually really enjoyed these muffins!  I think next time I might cut back a bit on the banana and put a bit more pumpkin in there as I could taste the banana more than the pumpkin and I’m totally an equal opportunity taster.

Coleslaw with Apples!  I’m marrying things all over the place last week!  This one married cabbage and apples, oh my!  I invented my own recipe here by adding the tomatoes and the honey-roasted peanuts (for the protein factor).  I also wayyyyyyyy cut back on the sugar in the dressing… it was still tastee.   I like the crisp tartness of the Granny Smith apple with the cabbage.  Winner winner coleslaw dinner!

Another marriage… penne pasta with garlic, broccoli, and lemon… this one was cantankered with via Martha Stewart.  Meaning, she gave a brief outline of something I might like and then I changed it up because I’m cantankerous.  Basically, cook you some whole wheat penne pasta, cut up some broccoli (to cook it throw it into the same pot as the pasta for the last 3 or 4 minutes… voila).  Get you a lemon, some lemon zest, some olive oil, and some garlic!  Throw in some Parmesan cheese… mix and serve!

FOOD!  Even if I hate the word, it sure as hades tastes good.  Dagnabit all to heck!

Question of the Day:  What are two foods that you enjoy “marrying” to make an even more delectable super food?

PS – Stay the course, FatMas people… if any people can do it… YOU CAN!  Because I said you could and I’m right 100% of the time according to the part of my brain that holds the ego portion!  DO IT!

Schmappetizers and Sides, Oh My!

I’m totally pumped that so many people signed up for the Operation:  No More FatMas gig!  Let’s get this thang, motivated people!  Y’all rock it!  One of my pals brought up something in the comments and I thought I’d throw it out there.  She thought it would be cool to sweeten the pot if anyone who was able wanted to throw in 10 bucks to the prize.  I am NOT making this a requirement because I know not everyone is able.  If you have the money and want to throw some in, holler my way.  If not, we will carry on as usual!  No guilt!

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Back when I had extra TV watching time (since school started I’ve scaled it back DRAMASTICALLY) I used to sit for decades on end watching cooking shows on the Food Network/Cooking Channel.  The things fascinate me.  It doesn’t matter what they’re making either.  Some chic was making haggis one time and I was all mesmerized by a sheep intestine!  I think it’s because it’s soothing to me.  Someone talking about food and how to cook it for half an hour in a hypnotic tone of voice?  YES, PLEASE!  But, let’s face it… it’s food… I once weighed 530 pounds… basically put a Twinkie on a string and dangle it in front of me for 8 hours and I’d be in full droolation mode!

So, when I have opportunity to go to a live cooking class with taste testing, I’d be a crazy jackalope to say no!  Last week, Madre and I headed to Kitchen Kneads to attend their Holiday Appetizers and Sides class!  I was unable to secure an edge seat, so I was claustrophobic the whole class, but I still enjoyed myself.  Even when I was monitoring how many times the 3 ladies teaching the class did NOT wash their hands after manhandling the food.  Of course, I’m not your best handwashing judge since I happen to wash my hands with soap after pretty much anything I touch.  It’s tedious and gives my hands that pleasant roughened, flaking leather feel, but that’s how I have to roll up here in the Psychos For Germs ward.  For the record, these chics never used soap once… not that I was counting or anything!

I didn’t get to taste test all of the recipes they made because some of them contained meat… bitter that she made a beautiful-looking salad with strawberries and craisins and sweet and spicy almonds and all sorts of yumminess and then she poured 2 pounds of bacon on top of it.  THE NERVE!!  I even, for the first time in my entire lifetime, actually enjoyed a yam… maybe because it was mixed with apples and covered in a sugary butter sauce… but STILL!  That there is progress… 7-year-old taste buds… at LEAST!

There was a delectable-looking cheese ball and a yummeriferous fruit salsa with homemade baked cinnamon/sugar tortilla chips.  There was a surprisingly yummy crustini with pears and stinky cheese and pine nuts on the top.  One of the ladies also gave a great tip on how to make your cheese ball look like a frigging turkey for the festiveness factor.  Take a slice of red pepper (for the head), secure a slice of yellow pepper for the gobbler, and then make eyes out of raisins.  The feathers are various-shaped crackers poked into the back of the rounded cheese ball.  I’d have gotten pictures, but I was too embarrassed… let me get a picture of you for my wall of creepy, lady!  

I’m thinking I’m going to up and make some of the above-mentioned recipes for meal plans throughout the holee-day season.

Question of the Day:  Do you enjoy cooking demonstrations?  Any favorites on the Food Network?  How did you do on Day 1 of the Operation?

PS- Y’all… I don’t even care who wins the election tonight… by this time tomorrow, please no one tell me they’re thinking about moving to Canada… for serious… that joke went out back when Abe Lincoln got elected!  😛  Also, I am going to be so dagnabbed happy when I never in my lifetime have to see another political backstabbing ad… PUH-LEASE… what are we… kindergartners?  Someone done peed in your sandbox?  I hate all this contention… I need someone to hold hands with me and sing Kumbaya!